The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic!
by sassyblackfish
Summary: A new reality TV series following our Arotastic friend with hidden cameras to truly discover the secrets of the Amazing Aro. Rated T for mention of grown-up stuff and whimsicality. Insanity is rational in an insane world. Permanent Hiatus.
1. Welcome to the Show!

**Disclaimer- **I owned Twilight in a past life, but Stephenie Meyer totally stole it!

Stephenie: Did not!

Me: Did too!

Stephenie: Did not! I SO owned it first!

Me: Oh yeah, that was The Pellinor Series and Alison Croggon.

Alison: I never stole it from you!

Me: Yes you did!

(argument continues for a very, very long time)

So basically, I never owned Twilight. In this life or any other.

* * *

**Chapter One: Welcome to the Show!**

**Random Announcer Guy: **4-3-2-1. Hello, and welcome to The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic!

**Other Announcer Guy: **Is Arotastic even a word?

**Random Announcer Guy: **Of course it is. I just made it up.

**Other Announcer Guy: **Whatever.

**Camera Guy: **Can we get on with the show already?!

**Random Announcer Guy: **Yes, yes, of course. Now, where was I?

**Other Announcer Guy: **You were just going to tell them about the show.

**Random Announcer Guy: **Ah, yes, the show! I…what was the point of this again?

**Other Announcer Guy:** Who knows?

**Random Announcer Guy: **Anyway, basically we're following Aro around with hidden cameras so we can laugh at random things he does when we're supposedly not looking.

**Other Announcer Guy:** Yeah, dido.

**Random Announcer Guy:** So…let's get on with the show!

random theme music plays involving the words Aro the Arotastic

(Scene cuts to the Volturi sitting around a very large, ugly old table)

**Marcus:** So…whadda you wanna do?

**Caius:** I dunno, whadda you wanna do?

**Jane:** SHUT UP! You've been doing that for the past 3-and-a-half weeks!

**Marcus:** Has it really been that long?

**Caius:** Wow, we really need a life.

**Alec:** That you do.

**Felix:** Hey, does anyone know where Aro went?

**Jane:** He's over in the corner there, sulking.

**Alec:** Did you just use Aro and sulking in the same sentence?

**Jane:** Yes. Yes I did.

(Felix walks over to a sulking Aro, who is seen sitting in a ball, rocking back and forth and singing "The Wizard of Oz" in Chinese…..backwards.)

**Felix: **Aro….what are you doing?

**Aro:** Sulking.

**Felix:** Why?

**Aro:** I miss the penguins.

**Felix:** I thought I explained this to you Aro. We can go back to the zoo any time you want.

**Aro:** Really?

**Felix:** Yes.

**Aro:** Let's go now!

(They all follow a suddenly happy Aro up into the streets as they make their way to the zoo.)

**Jane:** Ummm…Aro?

**Aro:** Yes, my dear?

**Jane:** Are you telling me you were sulking the whole 3-and-a-half weeks I was listening to Marcus and Caius's boredom because you wanted to see _penguins_?

**Aro:** Of course! Why else would I be sulking?

**Marcus:** At least we're doing something now.

**Caius:** True.

(They finally arrive at the zoo and head straight for the penguins.)

**Aro: **Hello little penguin! What's your name? (waits for response) Oh well, it doesn't matter! I'll name you myself! Your name is….uh……Penguin! Yes, Penguin the penguin. I like it! I'm Aro! Aro the Arotastic! Jazz Hands!

**Penguin:** Squawk!

**Aro:** Aw, isn't he cute?!

**Jane:** Yeah, yeah, very cute. Can we go now? He's making me hungry.

**Aro:** You lay one hand on Penguin and I will put you in a box and ship you to Easter Island!

**Jane:** Woah, dude. Chillax.

(They leave the zoo and head back home, where they are greeted by a very hyper-looking pink rhinoceros.)

**Aro:** Yay! Pink Rhino!

**Felix:** God, he smells like….is that baloney?

**Aro:** No silly! It's a she!

**Felix: **So it _is_ boloney!

**Aro:** Hello Mr. Rhino sir! How are _you_ today?

**Pink Rhino:** (growls)

**Jane:** (leaps onto Pink Rhino and eats him)

**Aro:** Nooooo!!

**Jane:** Eww! Tastes like boloney!

**Felix:** Ha! See?!

**Aro:** Well, I'm off to bed.

**Alec:** You don't sleep.

**Aro:** Who are you - my father? I'll sleep whenever I feel like it!

(Several futile attempts to sleep later, Aro resides to painting his nails a funny green colour.)

**Dimitri:** (walks in on Aro and his nail-painting)

**Aro:** (stares Dimirtri down)

**Dimitri: **I'll pretend I didn't see that.

**Aro:** You better.

(Dimitri leaves the room but is heard laughing hysterically in the hallway about 6 seconds after he leaves)

**Aro: **(Shrugs and continues painting his nails, singing "Killa" the entire time.)

(Scene cuts back to the Random Announcers in that one room we can't really decipher)

**Random Announcer Guy: **Well that was interesting.

**Other Announcer Guy:** You said it.

**Random Announcer Guy:** Join us next time, when elephants get pedicures and Smurfs invade Volterra!

**Camera Guy:** You're not supposed to know what happens next time!

**Random Announcer Guy:** Who cares? Arrivederci (that's Italian for Ciao)!


	2. Snowfish

**So, what did you all think of the first chapter? Even if you don't like it, I'm writing it anyway! So HA! Um, anyway…hope you all like this one.**

**Disclaimer - **As we discussed in the last chapter, I don't own Twilight. But I will soon…..as long as I beat Mikayla at DDR…

**Chapter Two: Exposing the Truth**

**Random Announcer Guy: **Welcome back to The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic!

**Other Announcer Guy: **For this episode, we decided to tell you our names, so that anyone who had the decency to show up for episode two can feel closer to us.

(A/N: Do you know how irritating it gets to write Random Announcer Guy and Other Announcer Guy over and over again?! And I've only done one chapter! So, I decided to name them. Hope you don't object.)

**Random Announcer Guy:** My name's Jeff.

**Other Announcer Guy:** And I'm Mr. Kittywhale.

**Jeff:** Woah. Seriously?!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Yeah seriously.

**Jeff:** Whatever. Anyway, let's go see what our good pal Aro is up to!

(Scene cuts to someplace very snowy, where Aro is seen making a snowman - er, snow fish.)

**Aro: **So you see, back three thousand years ago we never made snowmen! We made snow fish instead!

**Seal:** And who gave you this knowledge?

**Aro:** The fruitcake.

**Seal:** I see….

**Aro:** Yep. (sits there for about three minutes, admiring his snow fish) Well, I gotta go. I'm late for my pedicure.

**Seal: **Goodbye, young grasshopper.

**Aro:** It's _vampire_!

**Seal:** Yes, yes, vampire. I forgot.

(Aro somehow magically poofs outside a salon, and we watch as he enters and takes a seat in the first chair.)

**Salon Manager:** Hello Aro, how are you today?

**Aro: **Good, good. Just got back from making a snow fish.

**Salon Manager:** Sounds like fun! Here, I'll be back in a minute. I just have to finish up with another customer.

(Salon Manager is seen walking to the back and buffing up an elephants toenails. About seven hours later, Aro is finished with his pedicure and returns to his home with high spirits)

**Aro:** Hello everyone!

**Jane:** Oh God, he's back.

**Aro:** Nice to see you too.

**Felix:** Aro?

**Aro: **…Yes?

**Felix:** I'm sorry, but I'm leaving the Volturi.

**Aro:** Why?!

**Felix:** I want to join the Cullens.

**Aro: **Oh? And why is this?

**Felix:** They have an army of rabid squirrels. It's awesome!

**Aro:** Okay, have fun!

**Felix:** Kay bye.

(Felix leaves and the rest of the Volturi stare at Aro in disbelief.)

**Alec: **You let him go? Just like that?

**Aro:** Yes. Why wouldn't I?

**Jane:** But now we need someone to replace him!

**Aro:** No problem! Follow me! To Australia!

(Aro poofs them all to Australia.)

**Vampire Ninja Waffle: **Hey guys, what's up?

**Aro:** Join the Volturi!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Okay! Alexa?

(A/N: Long story short, me and Vampire Ninja waffle live in my evil lair in Australia. I promise I won't add myself to the story anymore, I just needed to give him permission. He's so polite, asking if he can join a group of human-eating vampires before he leaves. And by the way, Jill is one of my friends. Just for future reference.)

**Alexa:** Yeah?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** I'm joining the Volturi.

**Alexa:** Knock yourself out. Literally. You're boring me with your Jill favouritism anyway.

**Vampire Ninja Waffle: **Okay bye.

(Aro and Vampire Ninja Waffle poof everyone back to their lair, where anyone who was left behind is currently running around in circles, babbling in Smurfish.)

**Aro:** What's going on here?!

**Dimitri:** Smurfs are attacking Volterra!

**Aro:** You don't say?

**Jane:** Um…Aro? You think maybe we should, oh, I dunno….save the city or something?

**Aro:** No, why would we do that?

**Jane:** Because we'll give you credit, then Marcus won't be the only one with a day named after him.

**Aro:** Alright! Let's go then!

(They surface back to Volterra, where people run and scream as they are chased by small, blue, human-like creatures)

**Aro:** Hey you! Smurfs!

**Smurf 1: **Yeah?

**Aro:** Stop! In the name of love!

(The Smurfs all stop)

**Aro: **That's better. Now, who wants a marshmallow?

**Smurfs:** (in unison) Oh! Me! Me!

**Aro:** Well too bad! Avada Candelabra!

(Smurfs all turn into jellybeans and roll into the gutters.)

**Alec:** Wow Aro, where'd you learn that from?

**Aro:** Watching Harry Potter forty-six times over.

(Scene cuts back to the place where the hosts are.)

**Jeff:** So, how did you like episode two?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I hope it was random enough for you.

**Jeff:** Tune in next time, as -

**Camera Guy Whose Real Name Is Gustaff: **Don't tell them what's going to happen this time!

**Jeff:** Fine! Roll credits!

(credits play)

**Random Voice:** This show was brought to you by I.O.U. A Million Dollars Inc., where our rubber ducks explode!

* * *

**I know this chapter wasn't as good as the last one. At least, I didn't like it as much. But I hope you enjoyed, it all the same. Oh, and in case you didn't get that, the truth was that, way back when, they made snowfish instead of snowmen.**


	3. Purple Flamingo Relocation

**Hey guys! Three chapters in one day! Wow, I'm efficient. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the third chapter.**

**Disclaimer- **You know what? No, I don't own Twilight. But I _do_ own Vampire Ninja Waffle, who totally pwns Twilight! So BURN!

* * *

**Chapter Three: Purple Flamingo Relocation**

**Jeff:** So you actually decided to show up for episode three? Wow, you guys must really love us!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah, I mean, if I had a choice there would be no way I would ever-

**Jeff:** (glares at Mr. Kittywhale)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I mean, uh….Welcome back to The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic!

**Jeff:** Instead of boring you with mindless drabble like we usually do, we're just going to get right to it! Enjoy the show!

(Cuts to Aro and Vampire Ninja Waffle playing Texas Hold 'Em)

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Oh yeah! A royal flush! I believe you owe me one trillion million dollars!

**Aro:** Impossible! Look, I have this fat guy here! And the weirdo lady! And the A's! That's got to count for something!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Unfortunately, my un-poker-educated friend, that counts for nothing.

**Aro:** Nothing?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Zip. Nada. None.

**Aro:** Wow. I suck at this.

**Marcus:** (runs in the room suddenly) Hey guys! Wanna play capture the flag with me, Caius, Jane, Alec and Dimitri?!

**Aro: **Yeah!

(They run off to their capture the flag lair in a secluded area in Thailand.)

**Jane:** Before we start, we need codenames!

**Aro:** Ooh! Ooh! I have one!

**Jane: **(rolls eyes) Yes, Aro?

**Aro: **I can be Purple Flamingo!

**Jane: **Whatever.

(A series of codenames and one temper tantrum later)

**Caius: **I refuse to be called Grumpy-Pants!

**Jane:** Too bad! Commence operation steal flag!

(They play for about six days, neither team winning. Suddenly, Aro has a brilliant idea!)

**Aro:** I have a brilliant idea!

**Dimitri:** Ooh! What?!

**Aro:** I'll grab our flag and poof somewhere random where they won't find us!

**Dimitri: **Great plan!

(Aro steals the flag and, in a gathering of green clouds, poofs to a random place he cant decipher. A group of rabid squirrels spots him and, all at the exact time, pounces on him.)

**Aro: **Ahh! Stupid squirrels!

**Mystery Voice:** (laughs wildly) Yeah! Get him!

(Cuts to Jeff and Mr. Kittywhale.)

**Jeff:** Woah! Cliffie!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** See if you can guess who that was!

**Jeff:** Easy! It was -

**Gustaff:** You don't tell someone to guess and then tell them the answer you dipstick!

**Jeff: **Ha! Dipstick is a funny word!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Tune in next time to find out who the mystery voice was and get a glimpse of Caiuss leotard!

**Jeff:** Bye bye!

* * *

**So, who do you think the mystery voice is? Tell me in a review and the first person to guess gets a cyber hug! I hope to see you all next episode!**


	4. Pizza Waffle Confederation

**Okay, I know that last one was kinda short, but I was running out of ideas. I'm hoping today's chapter will be extra long to make up for it.**

**Disclaimer - **You don't need a fruitcake to tell you I own nothing. Zip. Nada. Not even the blood red nail polish on my fingernails. It's my mom's.

* * *

**Chapter 4: Pizza Waffle Confederation**

**Jeff: **Welcome back to the show! Waiting that whole week to find out who said the last line must have been torture!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Fortunately for you, a week is only seven days! And a day is only 24 hours!

**Jeff:** Thank you, Mr. Textbook-Man. Now, can we get on with it so they can find out who it was? I can't wait to see their faces!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Well….(clears throat)… Enjoy the show!

(Scene cuts to Aro, where he is still being plagued with rabid squirrels.)

**Aro:** No, stop, STOP! No biting! And I thought squirrels were cute!

**Jasper:** They _used_ to be.

(A/N: Didn't see that one coming, did you?! Except a select few…anyway!)

**Aro:** You!

**Jasper:** Yes?

**Aro:** Hi!

**Jasper:** Umm…..hi?

**Aro:** (squirrels still attacking him) So….how's life?

**Jasper:** Good, I guess. It's a bit hectic around here.

**Aro:** Oh?

**Jasper:** Yeah, what with the rabid squirrels, talking cats, Felix joining us and Bella being a newborn and all.

**Aro:** Blonde guy say what?

**Jasper:** Oh yeah. Eddie-

**Edward:** (Far away) DO NOT CALL ME EDDIE!

**Jasper: **Anyway, he couldn't stand the blood lust anymore and just bit her. Also, the fans were getting really impatient. There were mobs involved.

**Aro:** Fans?

**Jasper:** Yeah, we have fans. You didn't know?

**Aro: **WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?!

**Jasper:** They figured you'd overreact.

**Aro:** I WOULD NOT!

**Jasper: **Technically, you are now. So HA!

**Aro:** What-eva.

**Jasper:** Oh no you di-in't!

**Aro:** Oh yes. I did.

**Jasper:** You are SO going down!

**Aro:** Bring it on, Jazzy-Boy!

(They begin vampire combat, which is much more interesting than you would think. Every once in a while, Aro will grab Jasper's hand and shout "Ha! You watch Barney when no one's home!" and Jasper will simply shout "You paint your nails!" and then Aro will but on his best taken aback face and say "I do not!" and then whisper "Who told you?!" and Jasper will reply "The fruitcake." and Aro will shout "That darn pastry!" and they'll continue fighting.)

**Esme: **You people need to get out of my way. I'm _trying_ to clean the trees here!

(The two men stop fighting to stare at Esme, dumbfounded. After about eighteen minutes of staring, they shrug their shoulders and continue their brawl.)

**Edward:** So you see Felix, _that's_ what you get when you mess with the Cullens. What!

**Felix:** So you're telling me you have pictures of Caius in his _leotard?!_

**Emmett: **Shhh. It's low profile.

**Felix:** Right.

**Edward:** Hey Aro! Sup?

**Aro:** I just pushed your brother into a well about seven miles away. You know, the usual.

**Edward:** Yeah…

**Aro:** So… I heard about your blood lust.

**Edward:** Yeah. Bella's totally a vampire now. It's pretty sick.

**Felix and Emmett at the exact same time: **Who says "sick" anymore?

**Edward:** I do! So BURN!

**Felix:** He's a lot different than he was when we met in Volterra.

**Emmett:** Yeah well Bella introduced him to MTV.

**Felix:** That explains so much!

**Aro:** If you've finished your discussion, can someone tell me what Bella's power is?

**Edward:** Oh that's easy. She can make instant waffles, wherever we go!

**Aro:** …That's it?

**Edward:** Yep. Pretty sweet, huh?

**Aro:** That. Is. AWESOME!

**Bella:** I like toast!

**Aro:** Bella! Make me waffles!

**Bella:** Okay! (begins mumbling in Germish and suddenly summons a whole army of Pizza Waffles.)

**Aro:** I only asked for one!

**Bella:** Oopsy-daisies!

**Pizza Waffle 1:** Why have you summoned us, the Confederation of Pizza Waffles?

**Aro:** You have a Confederation?!

**Pizza Waffle 2:** Of course silly! Who doesn't?

**Rabid Squirrels:** We don't…

**Pizza Waffle 1: **Who cares about your needs? Let's par-tay!

(The Confederation, the Cullens, the rabid squirrels and Aro all have a huge party, lasting 8 weeks, six days and twelve hours.)

**Aro:** Well, I have a therapy appointment scheduled, so….bye!

(Aro poofs to therapy room and is greeted by an old lady in a pink robe and bunny slippers.)

**Aro: **Oh. Em. Gee! I love your slippers. Where'd you get them?!

**Pink Robe Lady:** JC Penny's.

**Aro:** They really have everything, don't they?

**Pink Robe Lady:** Yep.

**Person With Clipboard: **Aro, Mr. Blue will see you now.

**Aro:** What if I won't see him?

**Person With Clipboard: **Just shut up and come in.

(Aro enters the room and is greeted by a very jumpy Mr. Blue.)

**Mr. Blue:** Gah! You! I thought I put out a restraining order?

**Aro:** Silly Mr. Pink -

**Mr. Blue: **It's Blue.

**Aro:** Restraining orders don't work against mythical creatures. Didn't they teach you to read the fine print on things _before_ you sign?

**Mr. Blue:** Who is "they"?

**Aro:** Oh, you know.

**Mr. Blue:** No, I don't.

**Aro: **Of course you do.

**Mr. Blue: **PANCAKES!

**Aro: **Well that was random.

**Mr. Blue:** You said it.

**Aro:** So…

**Mr. Blue: **Do you like popsicles?

**Aro:** Huh?

**Mr. Blue:** I blame the walruses!

**Aro:** Roof shingles!

**Mr. Blue: **Tortoise! No really! (points out the window at large, brown, wrinkly tortoise sitting on the sidewalk.)

**Aro:** Yumm! (jumps out the window and eats tortoise.)

**Mr. Blue:** Hurray for eating tortoises!

(Scene cuts to the room we now know as White Room)

**Jeff: **See? I told you the look would be priceless. You now owe me a pickle sandwich.

**Vampire Ninja Waffle: **(appears out of nowhere) Eww! Pickles are yuckalicious!

**Jeff:** Whatever.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Woah, where'd he come from?!

**Gustaff:** I guess I'll have to do it. Join us next time on The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic, probably the stupidest show on reality television, to find out who will win capture the flag!

**Jeff:** Bye now!

* * *

**So how'd you like it? Longer chapter, like I hoped for. Who do you think will win capture the flag? Or did you think I forgot about that? Well, I almost did. I hope that certain readers -stares at you pointedly- will remember to review. I only have one so far, and that makes me kinda sad. I'm no fun when I'm sad. So MAKE ME HAPPY!**

**Oh, and by the way, bibliocrazed got the cyber hug. Miranda's supposed to get the real hug (since she guessed it on her first try) but I forgot.**


	5. Instant Waffle Machine

**I'd just like to say thanks to anyone who cares enough about me to review -gives those people hugs and stares others down pointedly- Anyway, enjoy the chapter!**

**Disclaimer - **All I own is a purple monkey and the lovely VampNinjWa (name courtesy of Jill)

* * *

**Ch. 5: The Return of Bella The Instant Waffle Machine**

**Jeff: **Welcome back to The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic! More commonly known to elder viewers as "That Aro Nonsense!"

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Oh yes. We know you mock our show.

**Jeff:** This episode was made to sponsor those poor drowning kittens.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Tell them about the kittens, Jeff.

**Jeff:** What kittens?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** The ones you just sponsored the show to!

**Jeff:** Oh, _those_ kittens. Well Mr. Kittywhale, I actually know nothing about the kittens.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Then why'd you say it?

**Jeff:** It was on the paper.

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Anyway, have you ever been in the elevator and heard elevator music that sounded like drowning kittens? Well, guess what? It really _is_ drowning kittens! So watch our show and help save kittens today!

**Jeff:** God, do you always have to overdo it Mr. Kittywhale? Anyway, enjoy the show!

(Scene cuts to Aro, who just happened to poof right into the middle of the capture the flag game, licking his lips and smiling contentedly.)

**Aro: **So, who's winning?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle (who shall now be known as VampNinjWa):** SHOOM! (uses telekinesis on Aro and steals the flag) YAY! We win!!

**Aro:** That's no fair!

**VampNinjWa:** Oh, it SO is. You now owe me one trillion million dollars and a pickle.

**Aro:** But pickles are yuckalicious!

**Pickle:** That's not very nice…

**Aro:** Shut up stupid pickle!

**VampNinjWa:** I know they're gross. I just wanna throw one at Jeff.

**Aro:** Oh. Who's Jeff?

**VampNinjWa:** No one… (looks around suspiciously)

**Aro:** Whatever. Let's just go back to Volterra.

(They all poof back to Volterra to see that their secret lair has been entirely redecorated with pink fuzzy stuff.)

**Aro:** What the fuzzle is going on in here?!

**Pimp Your Lair Guy:** The Volturi has been randomly chosen as the winning contestants of Pimp Your Lair!

**Aro:** Sick!

**Pimp Your Lair Guy:** I know, right?

**Jane:** WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! IT'S HIDEOUS!

**Aro:** What are you talking about, dear? It's lovely!

**Jane:** Of course _you_ would respond that way! You're like, King of the Fruit Loops!

**Aro:** Le gasp! How did you know?!

**Jane:** You are so dull, you know that?

**Aro:** No I'm not! I'm as sharp as a knife on a ninety-degree day!

**Jane:** What does the temperature have to do with the sharpness of - you know what? Never mind. Forget I even asked.

**Aro:** Okay then…

**Pimp Your Lair Guy:** Well, bye!

(Pimp Your Lair Guy runs away, all the while screaming thoughts in his head about rabid pandas and the very bloodthirsty vampires only twenty feet away from him.)

**Aro:** Conference!

(They gather around the table, which is now neither ugly nor old, but new, pink and fuzzy.)

**Aro:** I think we should - ooh, look! Buttons! (stares at large button panel right in front of him.)

**Alec:** (sighs) You were saying?

**Aro:** What? Oh, I forget. But I have a new plan now!

**Alec:** And that is…?

**Aro:** Spend the next half-hour finding out what these buttons do! Okay, so (points to blue one) what do you think this one does?

**Marcus:** Push it and you'll find out.

**Caius:** Push it, push it, to the limit, limit!

**Everyone Else:** (stares at Caius)

**Caius:** What?

**Aro:** You totally just ruined the moment.

**Marcus: **Hey, has anyone else noticed how suggestive that song is?

**Everyone But VampNinjWa:** …Eww!

**VampNinjWa: **Yes, Marcus. I've noticed. Hey, you remind me a lot of someone I know…

**Marcus:** Hey! Are you calling me crazy?

**VampNinjWa:** Yes. Yes I am.

**Marcus:** You did not just go there!

**VampNinjWa:** I went there, came back and brought you a commemorative t-shirt!

**Marcus:** Bring it on, Waffle!

(At this point Aro was getting agitated and decided it was the right time to push the blue button. As his finger pressed down on it, a hole opened up in the ceiling and a very gloomy-looking Bella fell out.)

**Aro:** Oh My Carlisle! It's the Instant Waffle Machine!

**Bella:** Hmm….Instant Waffle Machine….I like it.

**Aro:** Make us waffles!

(Bella manages to make a small amount of non-living waffles this time.)

**Aro:** So, how are the squirrels?

**Bella:** Pretty good. They formed a Cabinet.

**Aro:** Good, good. Anyway, time to press the green one! (pushes green button and a large TV in the back turns on to a Swifter Mop commercial.)

**Caius:** Well that's irrelevant.

**Aro:** Ooh! This button's purple! (presses button and a large purple monkey jumps up from a hole that appeared in the floor)

**Purple Monkey:** I'M ORANGE! (throws pie at Aro's face and poofs away)

**Aro:** Okay then…

**Rubber Ducky:** (sniffles)

**Aro:** Aww, what's wrong Mr. Ducky?

**Rubber Ducky: **My sock died.

**Aro:** You got it from Wal-Mart, didn't you?

**Rubber Ducky:** Maybe….(explodes)

**VampNinjWa:** Well, I'll be back later. I have to aid my Pizza Waffle cousins in the war against the Pirate Pancakes!

**Aro:** Those darn Pirate Pancakes! Okay bye!

**VampNinjWa:** (poofs)

**Marcus:** So, what do we do now?

**Aro:** (gasps) I HAVE AN IDEA!

(Cuts back to White Room)

**Jeff:** Haha! We left you hanging again! Suckers!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Do not gloat to the viewers!

**Jeff:** Sorry viewers.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Anyway, tune in next time to find out Aro's idea!

**Gustaff:** (holds up sign in front of camera that says "HELP ME")

**Jeff:** Bye for now! And remember, help those kittens!

* * *

**Again, a longer chapter. I'm getting better about this! I know it's really mean and all, leaving cliffies like that (and a bit hypocritical, considering I HATE cliffies with every fibre of my being) but in all truth I'm using it as an excuse to decide what the idea even is. If anyone has any good suggestions, all you have to do is click the little arrow at the bottom of the page next to "Send A Review"!!(And you obviously need to __****write ****said review). ** Also, the person Marcus reminded VampNinjWa of was me. It's from a story I wrote exclusively for my friends and I, and I pointed that out after _someone_ (being Miranda) started randomly singing it. **Bye for now, and don't forget about the kittens!**

**P.S. - Credit to Alex (Smexii Brusie) for the Pirate Pancakes. She's not one of my besties for nothing!**


	6. We're Making WHAT?

**Sorry I'm only getting in one chapter a day, the person who calls herself my "mother" decided that I spend way too much time on the computer. I'm now allowed only an hour a day (as apposed to the seven I'm used to) for writing a new chapter, reading new chapters of all the fics I have saved on my computer, get pictures, download music, check emails and so on and so forth. I'll try to get as much in as I can in my limited amount of time. Hope you all enjoy the new chapter!**

**Disclaimer **- I really hate these. Twilight is Stephenie Meyer's. Not mine. If it was mine, I'd be a rich bimbo, and rich bimbos don't need to waste their time writing fanfics.

* * *

**Chapter 6 : We're Making WHAT?!**

**Jeff:** Welcome back!! I missed you!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I didn't…

**Jeff:** So, ready to find out Aro's not-so-genius plan?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Roll episode!

(Cuts to Aro in the kitchen, looking very smug indeed.)

**Marcus: **So this is your master plan?

**Aro:** Shhh! Let me explain! We can do a cooking show! Cooking With the Volturi! Starring Aro the Arotastic!

**Caius:** That's a stupid plan.

**Aro:** Like you could come up with anything better, Mr. Carebear!

**Caius:** Okay, who told you?!

**Aro:** I have my sources.

**Jane:** And why do _you _get to star?

**Aro:** Are any of you Arotastic? (waits for reply) Didn't think so.

**Marcus:** It should star me!

**Caius:** No me!

**Alec:** I really don't think the Stupid Brothers are very healthy for our national viewers.

**Aro:** Sorry we're not good enough for you, Mr. Hoity-Toity.

**Alec:** Woah, chill dude.

**Aro:** I have a temperature of fifty-six point seven degrees! I'm colder than cold! I'm like _ice._

**Marcus:** Nice.

**Caius: **Dice!

**Jane:** Idiots.

**Aro:** Aw, Janey, dear, you ruined the word game!

**Jane:** I am this close to-

(Before Jane could finish her sentence, the cameras started rolling and everyone was immediately all smiles.)

**Aro:** Welcome to Cooking With the Volturi! Today we will be making a very special recipe that I won't tell you about until _after_ you eat it!

**Marcus:** What's the point of that?

**Aro:** Shut up! Let's get cooking!

(Several ingredients and six hours in the oven later…)

**Aro:** You have now officially made Pig's Head à la Blood Soup!

**Alec: **You had them make what now?!

**Jane:** Mmm….this is good!

**White Rabbit:** (randomly appears) That's not rabbit…is it?

**Jane:** No, but it will be in a few seconds if you don't leave (vicious grin)

**White Rabbit: **Umm….I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! (hops away extremely fast)

**Aro:** Join us next week for-

**Camera Guy 2: **There is no next week.

**Aro: **And why is this?

**Camera Guy 2:** You've been cancelled.

**Aro:** Cancelled?

**Camera Guy 2:** Yes, cancelled. God, what don't you understand about that? (leaves)

**Marcus:** Well, that was a complete waste of time. Aro's never allowed to come up with our ideas again. Ever.

**Jane:** We got something good out of it.

**Alec: **_What?_

**Jane: **Lunch.

**Caius:** The girl has a point.

**Aro:** Come quick! You must see this!

(They all hurry and follow Aro into the Big Room, where they found Mr. Blue and about sixty tortoises sitting on the floor playing spoons.)

**Mr. Blue:** Ha! I win!

**Tortoise 42: **But there's still thirteen spoons left!

**Mr. Blue:** And how does that make you feel?

**Aro:** Agitated.

**Mr. Blue: **Ah! Aro, my good man! How on earth did you get here?

**Aro: **This is my lair.

**Mr. Blue:** So _that's_ why everything's all pink and fuzzy!

**Aro:** Exactly!

**Mr. Blue:** You know, Aro, I wear an aquamarine tuxedo on the outside because aquamarine tuxedo is how I feel on the inside.

**Aro, Marcus and Caius at the exact same time: **It all makes sense now! The answer is fourteen to the power of seven!

**Jane:** Huh?

**Alec:** Tuxedo…?

**VampNinjWa:** (out of nowhere) I like soup!

**Mr. Blue:** Me too!

**VampNinjWa:** Now, if you'll all excuse me again, I have a pickle to throw at someone! (poofs)

**Aro: **You know, before I had Mr. Blue, I had this therapist named Frenchie who wouldn't let me talk about Tootles' oodles of poodles, so I told him I would disown him, and he was like "you're having fruitcake troubles again, aren't you?" and I was like "GAH! Mind reader! Witch! Burn you at the stake!" and he was like "STAKE CHEESE!" and we did the Macarena.

**Caius:** Why did you ditch him?

**Aro:** He saw an episode of The Hills one day while I was in his office and spontaneously combusted.

**Mr. Blue:** And then he met me!

**Aro:** Dance time!

(They all dance for several hours, doing everything from the chicken dance to the cha cha slide…all three parts.)

**Aro:** Well, I'm going to visit Russia. (poofs to Russia.)

**Mr. Cleany Guy: **I'm sorry sir, you can't wear shoes in this town.

**Aro:** But I _want_ to wear shoes!

**Random GPU Officer: **It's a Tuesday! You can't wine on Tuesdays!

**Aro:** Ah! (poofs back to Volterra)

**Alec:** Wassup my home skillet biscuit Hitler?

**Aro: **First: what? And second: The GPU are after me, so if men in Eskimo suits come to the door tell them _I'm not here._

**Alec:** Gotcha.

(Goes back to his room to find Jane pop, lock and dropping it.)

**Aro:** (stares at Jane for a while) You know what? I really don't want to know. (Walks out and goes to play hopscotch)

(Scene cuts to White Room and Jeff rubbing his head in confusion.)

**Jeff:** I'm pretty sure something just threw a pickle. And it snickered like a waffle.

**Mr. Kittywhale: **A pickle was probably just thrown at your head.

**Gustaff:** Waffles have their own signature snicker?

**Jeff and Mr. Kittywhale: **(stare at Gustaff blankly)

**Jeff:** Whatever. Thanks for watching! Hey, look! I just saw something mo-

(Screen blacks out)

* * *

**I have a few things to explain. First, the tuxedo thing. I have Animal Crossing Wild World, and this therapist guy on it named Dr. Shrunk randomly says "I wear yellow on the outside because yellow is how I feel on the inside." the first time I read that I was like "yellow…?" but then I thought "that is awesomely confusing!" so I had to parody it. Also, the thing about Frenchie was probably confusing too. I was talking to my friend on MSN and she said something about Steve, apparently he's my mental consultant. I was just randomly like "well, Steve wouldn't let me talk about the properties of spinach, so he can't be in my story" (one I'm writing exclusively for me and my friends) and my friend said "well maybe because your hour was up and we had a 'date'" and I was like "it was about sixteen seconds into the session. He said 'Alexa, that's irrelevant' and I said 'shove it, Steve!' and he's like 'You miss Jacob and VampNinjWa's being a meany and insulting your intelligence' and I was like '****WITCH! BURN YOU AT THE STAKE!' and he was like 'STAKE CHEESE!' and we danced." Then she told me she was calling people to come take me away and I just said that I have a purple monkey who is actually orange and he will protect me. She was silent for a while after that. Oh, and just to let you know, the GPU are the secret police of Russia. I actually said that line to my brother because I had been lunch helping and some kid said that if you whine on any day but Wednesday you get arrested. I said Eskimo suits because my friend Mikayla was trying to draw a GPU officer (it was for lit circle, we read a book about the Russian Revolution) and she drew an Eskimo. So anyway, sorry for the worlds longest author's note. I just explain things in a very thorough way that usually takes a long time. I spent an hour and a half explaining three fifths of a book to my friend. She got annoyed. Oh, and in case you didn't know, I really like Alice in Wonderland and there will probably be more characters from it in later chapters. Sorry again, and hope you like the new chapter! **

**I also have to give Alex (Smexii Brusie) credit for the cooking show idea. Thank you for being as crazy as I am.**


	7. Motivation

**Sorry I didn't get a chapter out yesterday, I had no motivation. Ha, motivation! That's a funny word. It's officially my word of the day. I now have inspiration! HURRAY FOR INSPIRATION! Now that I'm done my inspiration rant, enjoy the chapter.**

**Disclaimer - **Me: Do I really have to make a disclaimer?

Person: Yes, you do.

Me: What's my motivation?

Person: Umm….you don't have one.

Me: So what is the point of this?

Person: Who knows?

Me: Let's dance! (pulls out dance mat and we start randomly dancing to Captain Jack on DDR)

* * *

**Chapter 7: Motivation**

**Mother Cockroach: **So you see, the world was a holy and peaceful place. A pleasant place. At least until _they_ came.

**Child Cockroach:** So, what you're saying is, we bother the humans as revenge?

**Mother Cockroach: **You may not understand now, but you will soon enough.

(Jeff suddenly walks by and steps on both Mother and Child Cockroach.)

**Jeff:** Welcome back to a slightly anticipated show called The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic! Just in case you forgot the name.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yes, because most people forget the name of the show right after the theme song plays and shouts the name really loud.

**Jeff:** I do…

**Mr. Kittywhale: **_Anyway_…Welcome to a new episode. Let the randomness…begin!

(Scene cuts to a very hyper little boy running circles around our favourite reality TV star.)

**Aro: **He's making me dizzy!

**Caius: **Vampires can't get dizzy, you ninny!

**Aro:** Someone once said you would never wear leotards…but that myth was busted too!

**Marcus:** And besides, who says "ninny" anymore? That's, like, from the sixteen hundreds.

**Caius:** _We lived in the sixteen hundreds!_

**Marcus:** And your point is…?

**Little Boy: **I like turtles!

**Marcus: **I like llamas!

**Aro: **YAY! Let's sing the llama song!

(They sing the llama song for approx. 23 hours, while the little boy, whose name is Miska, continues to run circles around Aro.)

**Aro:** Okay, seriously kid, you're freaking me out.

**Caius: **Vampires don't get -

**Aro: **I DO!

**Marcus: **Look Aro, if you want him gone then why don't you get rid of him yourself?

**Aro: **But that would mean work!

**Marcus:** Just get over it and catch the stupid kid.

**Aro: **What's my motivation?

**Jane: **(distantly) He can be dinner later!

**Aro: **(grabs little boy viciously and straps him to a random chair in the middle of the room) You stay here. I'm going to get Jane! (runs off)

**Marcus: **Well, that was easy.

**Caius: **Gotta love Jane and her eating habits. I swear, that girl would eat the moon, as long as you told her it was made of ribs.

**Jane:** What'd you say about ribs?

**Caius:** Oh, nothing.

(The scene blacks out momentarily as the vampires eat the little boy. I mean, honestly, what kind of people would we be if we made you watch that? Answer: not the nice kind.)

**Aro:** And now, we dance!

(They dance until a very sodden Mr. Blue walks in, accompanied by the ever famous VampNinjWa.)

**Mr. Blue:** I have terrible news!

**Everyone:** (gasps) What?!

**Mr. Blue: **We have just discovered that….The Great Wall of China has been turned into a poolside bar!

**Aro:** What's so bad about that?

**VampNinjWa: **No more teriyaki Tuesdays!!

**Aro: **NOOOOOOOOO!!

**Alec: **Aro, you can't even eat teriyaki.

**Aro: **I can do whatever I want! You know why?

**Alec:** I don't care, really -

**Aro:** I HAVE THE POWER OF MOTIVATION!!

**Mr. Blue: **Ooh, sounds like a superhero! Motivation Man!

**Aro:** I like it! Come, VampNinjWa! With you as my sidekick, we shall join forces with the Instant Waffle Machine and save the day!

(They randomly poof to Forks and find Bella chewing on a flower.)

**Bella: **Eww, this tastes like jerky!

**Aro:** Bella, will you join forces with us and help protect the city from the rampaging walruses?

**Bella:** Sure. Whatever.

(They join hands and skip to the city at vampire speed, which is very, very fast indeed. Woah, that rhymed. Dr. Seuss moment.)

**Aro:** Have at, ye walrus!

(They spend the day fighting the walruses Peter Pan style.)

**Aro: **And now, dear city, we must leave. To the AROMOBLIE!

(They jump in a random shopping cart they find, but as soon as they are about to push off they are met by a gang of people in fish suits.)

**Fish Girl:** You can't do that, it's copyright! This is _our_ Catmobile, _we_ are superheroes and _we_ get to ride away in the cart. Disobey these rules and I'll set fire to your Christmas lights and snip random wires until they explode.

**Cat Man:** You've done this before, haven't you?

**Fish Girl: **Possibly. Now, Catmobile…AWAY!!

(Cat Man pushes the cart and jumps on the back, while Llama Kid sits down and mopes and Fish Girl stands up and screams "Hurray for skunks!" and the cart falls over.

**Fish Girl: **We're okay!

**Aro:** Well that was a waste of a perfectly good Saturday afternoon.

**Bella:** You said it.

**VampNinjWa:** Hey, let's play Janga!

(They play Janga and the screen cuts to the White Room.)

**Jeff: **Good, huh?

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Not really, but the writers went on strike.

**Gustaff: **This is REALITY TV. There are no writers.

**Jeff:** So are you saying it's _our _fault?

**Mr. Kittywhale: **I think he is!

**Jeff:** Rude!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Anyway, tune in next time, when Aro shuts up about the whole "motivation" thing and the writers get more ideas!

**Jeff:** Buhbye!

* * *

**So, what'd you guys think? I really did need more motivation, and apparently the word "motivation" was my motivation! Weird, huh? Anyway - I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! The whole "you will understand soon enough" thing, then when the cockroaches got stepped on! HA! Irony without even realizing it! My subconscious is playing tricks on me again. I like it. As I was saying, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Oh, and just a heads up, I'll be really busy this weekend doing a week's worth of math homework, a history ISU, studying for science, a booklet for music appreciation, watching my baby cousins, watching my BFF Jill's dance recital, going to the mall with my friendsies and secretly reading the first chapter of Breaking Dawn, which comes out with the special addition of Eclipse, which is released tomorrow (for those of you that aren't enough of a book-stalker me and my friend's thing to know). So basically, I probably won't have a new chapter till Monday or Tuesday. Hope you all like the chapter! REVIEW!!**

**Love,**

**The Wonderful and Most Excellent Miss Alexa (aka An.Aria.Of.Moonlight) The Amazingly Fantastic**


	8. The Wonderful Wizard of Volterra

**I AM SO SORRY!! I tried. I really did. You wouldn't believe how crazy these past few days have been! Okay…maybe you would. But anyway, I just finished my History ISU and now have no homework left but Boldprint and my math ISU (which I have conveniently left at school….:P ), so I decided it was about time I update my fic. I'll probably be busy the next few days too, what with my school dance that my friends have worked on for three months, the Strawberry Fest and Jilly's birthday party. So, it may be a few days again, though I PROMISE I won't wait a whole weekend and a half a week to post. Anyway, I have absolutely no inspiration for this chapter, so I think I'm gonna wing it. Hmm…this should be interesting. Anyway, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer - **I don't own Twilight. I don't even own a copy of Twilight (I borrowed it from Alex to read). So LEAVE ME ALONE! (Sorry, PMS)

* * *

**Chapter 8: The Wonderful Wizard of Volterra**

**Jeff:** I know the show was a bit delayed, but we've been doing stuff.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** What stuff?

**Jeff:** Oh, you know….that stuff.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** No, I really don't. Please…_enlighten_ me.

**Jeff:** That thing with the tasers and the hot air balloons….

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Oh. THAT stuff.

**Gustaff: **Don't wanna know.

**Jeff:** Anyway, enjoy the show!

(Scene cuts to Aro and VampNinjWa)

**VampNinjWa: **(chillin with Aro and munching on Cheetos) Hey, Aro?

**Aro:** (muffled) Mmmff?

**VampNinjWa: **Do you think it may be possible….I don't mean to be rude but…..could I maybe possibly show you Limbo?

**Aro: **LIMBO?!

**VampNinjWa:** Yes….

**Aro:** Why did you keep this from me?! Yes, let us go to Limbo!!

**VampNinjWa:** (poofs them to Limbo)

**Aro:** Wow, it's really black in here.

**VampNinjWa:** When my patron comes here, it turns purple.

**Aro:** What patron?

**VampNinjWa:** Alexa.

**Aro:** You know, I really need to meet this "Alexa". She seems logical.

(The blackness suddenly turns purple and Alexa randomly lands on her bum on the invisible floor.)

(A/N: I know I said I wouldn't put myself in the story but….I lied. Besides, I'm about to seriously rip off my other story and I at least deserve to be put in here. It all makes more sense when I'm there. You'll see.)

**Alexa:** Oh. Em. Gee! VAMPIRE NINJA WAFFLE!! I missed you sooo much!

**VampNinjWa:** But I'm a figment of your own imagination….

**Alexa:** Yeah, but you still weren't there. It's not the same to conjure a second one. You would only speak German, so I could only understand fragments of what you were saying. Jillybean, on the other hand, understood everything you said. (pouts and bears face of extreme annoyance)

**Aro:** OMC It's WALDO!!

**Alexa: **Hey Waldo. Wassup??

**Waldo:** Just chillin with my buddy Mr. Plesio (holds up plastic bone-style dinosaur)**Alexa:** No! MINE! (Steals Mr. Plesio and hugs tiny dinosaur affectionately)

**Aro:** Who _are_ you anyway?

**Alexa:** I am - drum roll please - Alexa the Amazing, Master of Destruction, Ruler of the Radioactive Ducks, otherwise known as Radioactive Smurf, and future ruler of the world.

**Aro:** Yes, but do you have _fans_?

**Alexa:** Actually, I do. They're those three dipsticks in the corner there who won't give me a moment's peace.

**Fans:** (waves)

**Aro:** But are you AROTASTIC?!

**Alexa: **That, I am not. But I am radioactive! And hold the current record for most clinically insane person in existence! (cackles evilly)

**Aro:** I think I like you.

**Alexa:** I think I like toast!

**Tinkywinky:** Yay for toast! TUBBY TOAST!

**Alexa:** Oh yeah! It's Tubbilicious!

**Miranda:** Duh nuh nuh nuh, de duh nuh nuh nuh!

**Poe:** Eww! Tubby toast is yuck!

**Alexa:** Aww, Poe! You're just jealous because your tubby toast doesn't taste as good as Tinkwinky's!

**Tinkywinky: **YESSSS! (poofs away, followed by a sobbing Poe)

**Alexa:** So…

**Aro:** Yeah…

**VampNinjWa: **BOO!

**Alexa and Aro:** GAH!

**VampNinjWa:** Sorry, felt neglected.

**Alexa:** We have to go.

**VampNinjWa:** Why?

**Alexa: **We have to get away before the interior designers get here!

**VampNinjWa:** LE GASP! NOT THE INTERIOR DESIGNERS!

**Aro:** What's wrong with them?

**Alexa:** When they come in a room it looks one way, but when they leave it's _completely different._

**Aro:** Woah. Freaky.

**Alexa:** I know, scandalous, right? Anyway, let's randomly poof to somewhere non-existent that we really can't predict because my poofing aim is off the charts!

**Aro:** OKAY!

(They poof to what appears at first to be a yellow brick road, and is in fact, at second glance, a yellow brick road.)

**Aro:** Oh noes! You've gotten us stranded! How ever shall we find our way home?

**Alexa:** Follow the yellow brick road!

(They follow the road until they find themselves at a weird green castle-thing.)

**VampNinjWa:** Ooh! Let's go ask the wizard for something!

**Aro:** Sorry. Can't.

**Alexa:** And why is this?

**Aro:** Because…I AM THE WIZARD!!

**Alexa:** Le gasp! Scandalous!

**Aro:** I know, right? Anywho, let us eat cake!

**Alexa:** Isn't it "let _them_ eat cake"?

**Aro:** It was…but I want cake.

**Alexa:** Oh, okay!

(One cake and several arguments over the last piece later…)

**Aro:** So, now what?

**Alexa:** I say we dance!

(They dance.)

**Aro:** Ooh! We could turn you, and you could be one of us!

**Alexa:** Sorry, love to, but my husband wouldn't approve.

**Aro:** Ah. You're the werewolf type.

**Alexa:** How did you know? Who are you?! Mind reader! WITCH! BURN YOU AT THE STAKE!

**Steve: **STEAK CHEESE!!

**Alexa:** SHOVE IT, STEVE, OR I'LL BURY YOU IN THE SANDBOX AGAIN!

**Steve:** It only took me eight months to get out….(poofs)

**Alexa:** Anyway, back to more important matters. I'M CALLING MR. BLUE!!

**Aro:** NOT IF I DO FIRST!

**Mr. Blue:** WHY ARE WE YELLING?!**Alexa:** I WANT A CORN-DOG!!

**Mr. Blue:** Here's a corn-dog.

**Alexa:** I DON'T LIKE CORN-DOGS!**Mr. Blue: **What do you like?

**Alexa:** I LIKE AQUAMARINE TUXEDOS!!**Mr. Blue:** Oh my gosh! ME TOO!

**Aro:** HOLY-

**Alexa:** CENSOR!

**Aro:** Cucumbers on rice.

**Alexa:** That's better. Well, I'm going back to the NFL. See you after Superbowl! (poofs)

**Aro:** No! Stay with me, my love, until the stars have blinked their last…

**Mr. Blue:** Are you quoting _Fire Star_? Because that is so not cool. It has Scottish monks and all….and they're like….Scottish.

**Aro:** RASCISM!! I FIRE YOU! (fires Mr. Blue)

**Mr. Blue:** (poofs)

**Aro: **I'M SO ALONE! I FEEL EMO! OH! I KNOW! I CAN GO EMO, AND THEN MY NAME CAN BE EMRO!! I LIKE IT!! (goes all purple and black and scarred-ish.)

**Jane:** Woah. That is SO not hot. Oh, on the bright side, you can listen to screamo without being labelled!

**Aro:** HURRAY FOR NON-LABELS!!

**Heather:** WHY ARE WE YELLING?!

**Alex:** BECAUSE THE MOON IS MADE OF POTATOES!

**Jillybean:** I WANNA BE TURNED!!

**Aro:** Hmm…tempting…

**Jillybean:** PLEASE!!

(Scene cuts to Room That Is Not White Room)

**Jeff:** Oooh! Cliffie!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Oh, and in case you're wondering, our…_stuff_ we were doing earlier went a little haywire and now we're staying in the Red Room.

**Jeff:** Red is an angry colour.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You're an angry colour! Suck on that!

**Jeff:** Wahh….?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I like toast! TUBBY TOAST!!

**Jeff:** YAY FOR TUBBY TOAST!!

(They dance until the credits play)

* * *

**So, how did you like it? I'm up to four pages now! YAY! And as for the me-and-my-friends-made-random-appearances thing, I really am sorry. But some things can only be explained by insanity, and where insanity goes, we follow. More Volturi in the next chapter, I swear! And possibly a new member -evil grins- Also, for the Teletubbies and Tubbilicious thing, the story is as follows: Me and Miranda were talking, a long time ago (probably a year ago) and Jill and Taylor were dancing around singing Teletubbies. Me and Miranda started talking about tubby toast, and I was like "Poe's just jealous because his tubby toast doesn't taste as good as Tinkwinky's" and Miranda was laughing her head off and said "I LOVE tubby toast!" and I was like "YEAH! It's Tubbilicious!" and later we made a song about it. So yeah. I'm random. But anyway, I apologize again for the delay. I'm really, really sorry. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get a brownie.**

**P.S. - All referrals to the word "Tubbilicious" are property of AITBPITWBSIAABAAASATARAA Inc. (Alexa Is The Best Person In The World Because She Is Amazing And Brilliant And Awesome And Smart And Tubbilicious And Random And Alexa Incorporated)**


	9. Chaos Theory

**I am an evil person. A terrible, horrible, demented, spiteful, sadistic, WICKED girl. I know it's been over a week. Just **_**attempting**_** to count the days brings an ailment over my head. My mind is practically screaming "YOUR FAULT! ALL YOUR FAULT! HORRIBLE, WRETCHED, INCOMPETENT GIRL!" I must say, I agree. Since I am the kind of person that finds any means necessary to make people believe the fault is not mine, I will list my excuses. One, Alex should never be allowed to buy good books again. Ever. She bought **_**A Great And Terrible Beauty**_** and lent it to me, and it was amazingly good. I LOVED it. It was so distracting that I couldn't write. Then she bought **_**Rebel Angels**_** and lent that to me too, and I just finished it last night. IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD! In case you were wondering, I'm now having a brief panic attack. Literally. My heart's beating so fast I think it may explode from my chest, I'm hyperventilating, and I'm trying as hard as I can to keep the Pop tart I just ate **_**inside**_** my stomach. And now Alex has decided to be evil and read **_**Maximum Ride**_** (the first one, and possibly the second, just to annoy me) and **_**The Crimson Thread**_** (which came out early) before she gives me **_**The Sweet Far Thing**_**. I might push her off a bridge. Anyway, please forgive me, and here's the newest chapter of everyone's favourite reality TV show, **_**The Amazing Adventures Of Aro The Arotastic**_**.**

**Disclaimer - **I am too lowly to own something so holy as the Twilight Series.

* * *

**Chapter 9: Chaos Theory**

**Jeff:** Welcome back! We've missed you! Or, at least, I have.  
**Mr. Kittywhale:** We apologize for any inconveniences, but the filming producers went on a temporary leave while they searched for the Golden Fleece.  
**Jeff:** Yeah, isn't it weird how our producer's name just _happens_ to be Jason?  
**Mr. Kittywhale:** Weirder than you can imagine. Anyway, we have a new producer for the time being! His name is Pierce, but I like to call him Pee-wee.  
**Jeff:** I won't even ask.

(Scene cuts to a now red-coloured Jillybean, bouncing around furtively and constantly glancing back to glare at a very black-and-purple Emro.)

**VampJillybean: **When you said "initiation", I didn't quite have this in mind.  
**Emro:** You're the one who wanted me to turn you. We have to test your endurance, patience, physical ability and temper. Especially temper.  
**VampJillybean:** If you don't let me go hunting soon I'll tear those black eyes right from your head!  
**Emro:** Patience, young Ground-Hopper (A/N: Anyone who's seen _Thumb Wars_ will understand the pun intended.). As soon as you get to ten, we'll leave.(VampJillybean is seen jumping from hopscotch square eight to nine, and from nine to ten.)  
**VampJillybean: **All done. TAKE ME NOW!!  
(Just then, a very panicky Jane runs into the room, flanked by VampNinjWa and the lead singer from Le Tigre)  
**Jane:** We're being attacked!  
**VampJillybean:** Wow, you leave no time for explanations, do you?  
**Jane:** Shut it, or I'll take away your glitter collection!  
**VampJillybean:** NO! NOT FIRETRUCK!  
**Jane:** Oh yes. Fire Truck shall be mine!  
**Emro:** You were saying, Jane?  
**Jane: **What? Oh, yes, right. I was saying, WE ARE CURRENTLY UNDER ATTACK BY THE FIGMENTS OF YOUR OWN IMAGINATION!  
**Emro:** You mean like the Lord of the Nutcracker Men?  
**Jane:** THE SAME!  
**Emro: **NOT LORD OF THE NUTCRACKER MEN! AND RUMPLESTILTSHOES!  
**Jane: **Rumplestiltshoes?  
**Emro:** Do. Not. Ask.  
(They hurry out to the Big Room, where a man in a very sparkly pink leotard, and bunch of nutcracker men, and an extremely short man on extremely tall stilts waits to confront them.)  
**L****ord Of The Nutcracker Men: **Nutcracker Men! ATTACK!(Jane leaps forward to meet the Nutcracker Men, but Emro stops her.)  
**Emro:** You must not hurt The Lord of the Nutcracker Men!  
**Jane:** WHY?!  
**Emro:** You'll dirty his leotard!  
**Jane:** And we need to worry about that WHY?!  
**Emro:** Entertainment purposes.  
**Jane:** I won't ask.  
**VampNinjWa: **I have an idea!(He grabs the Lead Singer Of Le Tigre and shoves her in front of him. The Nutcracker Men, Their Lord, and Rumplstiltshoes are all so afraid of her that they flee immediately.)  
**Emro: **Now my dreams have left me! (bites himself in an attempt to be emo)  
**Random Emo Guy:** So, biting's the new cutting? (does hair flip)  
**Emro:** Oh yeah, it's all the rage. (imitates hair flip)  
**Random Emo Guy:** Awesome! I'll go tell my emo buddies! (does one final hair flip and leaves room)  
**Emro:** Yeah. You do that. (flips hair)  
**Jane:** It just occurred to me that we don't know what Jillybean's power is.  
**Jillybean: **I can play the violin while singing "Build God, Then We'll Talk" by Panic! At the Disco and dancing with purple iguanas!  
**Jane:** Interesting…..  
**VampNinjWa:** Awesome!  
**Jillybean:** I know, right?  
**Bella:** Mine's better! (makes waffle) Blast! It's inanimate!  
**Emro:** Haha!  
**Bella:** Shut up, you emo turd!  
**Emro:** That hurt, Bella. That really hurt. You cut me deep.  
**Bella:** Ah, screw you. What do I care?  
**Emro:** (cries)  
**Bella:** Oh, I'm sorry. (makes him plate of waffles)  
**Emro:** Yay! I'm so happy, I'm suddenly un-emo!  
**Bella:** Yay! Can I go now?  
**Aro:** Yeah, sure, go for it.  
**Bella:** Thank Lord. (skips away)  
(A huge, mutated butterfly swoops onto Aro's shoulders and flaps wings once)  
**Aro:** Aww, look! It's a cyclone in Africa!  
**Everyone Else:** (blank looks)  
**Aro:** You know, chaos theory? A butterfly flapping it's wings in the U.S. causes a tornado in Afghanistan? Everything you do affects something else? Action and reaction? Choice and consequence? Cause and effect? Does _no one_ read anymore?  
**VampNinjWa:** I'm a waffle. I can't read.  
**Jane:** Reading's for pussies!  
**VampJillybean:** Alexa never gave me Jinx on the Divide (A/N: They tell you all about the chaos theory and a zillion other things you really don't need to know about in that book, and I've been waiting for Jill to read it for the last two years).  
**Aro:** Whatever. Basically, If you hit this butterfly with a baseball bat, there would be MAJOR wind storms in Antarctica!  
**Alec: **(randomly walks in) Awesome!! Let's do it!  
(They spend the next…..extremely long time catching butterflies and hitting them with baseball bats)  
**Newscaster:** This just in! Antarctica is suffering from wind storms so extreme, the penguins are finally getting their chance to fly! The walruses are too!  
**Aro:** Wow. We're genius.  
**Newscaster:** And in sports news, it is reported that since the return of the greatest quarterback ever to grace the earth, Number 21, Boismier, the -insert Alexa's football team here-s are having their best season yet! They haven't lost a single game!  
**VampJillybean:** Is it just me, or does that name sound familiar?  
**Aro:** Who knows? Ooh! I want cake!  
**Jane:** Wow, I love our new refrigerator!  
**Aro:** I know, right? Look! When you open it, it randomly quotes Marie Antoinette!  
**Marie Antoinette Voice:** Let them eat cake! (fridge shoots came out)  
**Jane:** Lovely!  
(They eat their cakes happily, and as soon as they finish the Italian police burst through the door)  
**Police Chief:** Volturi, you're under arrest!  
**Aro:** Why?  
**P.C.: **Because….we feel like it!  
**Aro:** Come, my slightly deranged cohorts! We must hide!  
(They run all over town)  
**Jane:** Where can we possibly hide that they wouldn't find us?!  
**VampJillybean:** Bed, Bath and Beyond!  
(They run into Bed, Bath and Beyond, police sirens following their every step, as the camera fades to the White Room)

**Jeff:** Yay! Another cliffie!  
**Mr. Kittywhale:** We torture you so.  
**Jeff:** Who cares? Annoying people is fun!  
**Mr. Kittywhale:** Until next time…..  
**Jeff: **Tootles!

* * *

**So, what do you think? It's been a while, and my writing isn't as up to date and natural as it usually is. This chapter was kinda forced. And took me a long time to write. This wasn't the best chapter, but gimme a break. I'm really jumpy and panicky and obsessive. I'm going through withdrawal. It's like **_**Twilight, New Moon **_**and **_**Eclipse**_** all over again! The exact same symptoms, but slightly elevated because Alex **_**knows**_** I want **_**The Sweet Far Thing**_** but is **_**purposely**_** reading **_**The Angel Experiment **_**(**_**Maximum Ride 1**_**) before she finishes it. Yep, definitely pushing her off a bridge. Or possibly Jill's boat. Yes, that will work perfectly! We'll be in a secluded area in the river where no one will know it was me that pushed her! Lovely! If you'd like to help me, feel free to bring anvils. Don't ask, just bring them. Anyway, I hope you'll all find means to forgive me, and I'll try my hardest to get chapters out faster!  
Love you all lots!!  
Alexa xx  
P.S. - Just to let you know, the Le Tigre thing was just because their lead singer scares me.  
P.P.S. - The formatting may be weird on this one, only because when I uploaded it something didn't work and it got screwed up. I'll try to figure out what I did wrong for next time.  
P.P.P.S. - I HAVE NO SOCKS ON! AND GYPSIES ARE ATTACKING MUSHROOM VALLEY! And surprisingly, though my strange rantings may say otherwise, I am depressed. And it only has a little to do with the fact that I don't have my book.**


	10. Colonel McStuffington the Magnificent

**Disclaimer** - Twilight is too serious for me to own. I'm happy just owning The Button Story/Bob, Joe and the Ducky/The Tiny Sailboat Story/that one other story/The Amazing Adventures of Alexa the Amazing/The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic (wow, I have written a LOT of stuff). They're much more fun. I also do not own Bed, Bath and Beyond, Toys R Us, Mexican Jumping Beans or Charlie the Unicorn 2.

* * *

**Chapter 10: Colonel McStuffington the Magnificent**

**Jeff: **Welcome back to the show!! We missed you! Didn't we, Mr. Kittywhale?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Sure…..whatever.

**Jeff:** Anyway, our new producer has also gone on strike, so we probably won't be shooting any time soon. We have the footage being shown today because we shot it right after the last episode and saved it for this week, but who knows what will happen in our possible absence?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Who _cares_ what will happen?

**Jeff:** I do!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Well, that makes one of us.

**Jeff:** Did someone eat a bowl of grouch cereal for breakfast?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** SHOVE IT!!

**Gustaff:** Um, cut to scene 1!

(Scene cuts to Aro, VampJillybean, Jane, Alec, and VampNinjWa standing next to a clerk and looking very puzzled indeed)

**Aro:** So, we saw the Bed, we saw the Bath, but there really is no Beyond?

**Clerk:** That is correct.

**Aro:** So you mean _Click_ LIED TO ME?!

**Clerk:** Please sir, no yelling in the store.

**Aro:** SHOVE IT PEE-WEE!! (eats Clerk)

**Shoppers:** (stare)

**Aro:** (glares back)

**Shoppers:** (walk away quickly)

**Jane:** Aro…..what are you doing?

**Aro:** Frightening fellow shoppers.

**Jane:** Ooh, fun!

**Aro:** Come on, we're leaving.

**VampJillybean:** But I need to check out!

**VampNinjWa:** What did you buy, anyway?

**VampJillybean:** Bath stuff.

**Alec:** Vampire jellybeans can bathe?

**Jillybean:** I don't know, but it'll be awesome to find out!

**VampNinjWa:** You know, I love you more and more every day.

**VampJillybean:** Yeah, yeah. Come on, I need to check out.

(They go to checkout)

**Cashier:** Vampire jellybeans can bathe?

**Alec:** That's what I said.

(They finish checking out)

**Jane:** So, where do we go now??

**Aro:** Ooh!! Toys R Us!!

**Jane:** Why do I even ask?

(Aro skips off to Toys R Us and everyone else struggles to keep up)

**Aro:** Oh Em Gee, I LOVE this teddy bear!! Can I get him Jane? Pleeeeeeeeeease??

**Jane:** Fine.

**Aro:** YAY!! I shall name him Colonel McStuffington the Magnificent, and his sworn enemy is the accursed Lieutenant Governor Fluffytail!!

**Alec:** Isn't that the stuffed cat Marcus bought last week?

**Aro:** Why, of course. Come, Colonel McStuffington, we have diabolical plans to come up with!!

(Quickly pays for teddy bear then poofs back home, leaving the others behind)

(A HUGE amount of time passes, resulting in several crumpled papers lining the room and several crayons reduced to stubs. Several stuffed animals are seen lined up in the hallway and Aro is sitting on the bed with Col. McStuffington.)

**Aro:** Alright Colonel, remember the plan: we're going to sneak into Marcus's room and steal his Ninja Turtles, forcing him and Governor Fluffytail to leave the room, where they will meet our extremely large and unnecessary army that has been assembled!

(McStuffington does not respond and Aro drags him into Marcus's room)

**Aro:** (steals Ninja Turtles)

(Some-odd hours later)

**Marcus:** Le GASP! NOT MY NINJA TURTLES!!

**Aro:** (cackles maniacally)

**Alexa:** (appears out of nowhere) ONLY I MAY CACKLE!!

**Aro:** WOAH, where did you come from?

**Alexa:** Ask the fruitcake. (poofs)

**Aro:** Well that was interesting.

**Marcus:** Aro, I know it was you who stole my Ninja Turtles, so instead of asking politely or sneaking in and stealing them back later I have spilled grape juice on your unnecessary army and stolen all of your pudding cups! THEY HAVE ALL BEEN SHIPPED TO NEBRASKA!!

**Aro:** OMC YOU HEARTLESS FIEND! How ever shall I exact revenge?

**Bella:** 'Tis I, BELLA THE INSTANT WAFFLE MACHINE, and I have returned because my Bestest friend in the whole wide world told me you were in need of revenge!

**Aro:** Bella! How perfectly convenient and not suspicious at all that I might find you here!

**Bella:** I know! I will sick my vicious army of Pizza Waffles on Marcus! PIZZA WAFFLES, I CHOOSE YOU!! (bad Pokemon rip-off)

**Pizza Waffles:** DIE! (eats Marcus)

**Aro:** Hurrah! Now my devious demon-brother has been consumed by random fast-food! How can I ever repay you, Bella?

**Bella:** OOOHH! I want a pony!

**Aro:** Oooo-kay then….(poofs random pony for Bella)

**Bella:** Huzzah! I shall call you Piddlesworth! (poofs away avec un pony)

**Aro:** Well, now that my pudding is in Nebraska, there is no meaning to life! So I'll just go see what Jane, Alec and VampNinjWa are up to!

(walks into Big Room)

**Aro:** Hello my friends who I have not seen in quite some time due to resentful plotting and careless abandon! What ever are you doing?

**VampNinjWa:** We are just waiting for the box containing my wife which has just conveniently arrived the second you entered the room!

**Jane:** Why are you two talking like that?

**Aro:** I have absolutely no idea, and though I am perfectly capable of altering my own speech I seem to have been rendered insensible and am now too dimwitted to talk in any other fashion!

**VampNinjWa:** Ditto!

**Jane:** Wow. The only way this could get worse would be if Caius and Alec started talking like Valley Girls.

**Alec:** Like, OMG! We should, like, totally open the box to like, totally check if VampJillybean's, like, in there!

**Jane:** Okay, this is officially worse than a Dairy Queen commercial.

**VampJillybean:** Since I seem to have been magically forgotten by everyone but Alec, who is currently in a Valley Girl state, I will now randomly jump out of this box! (jumps out of box) Happy Birthday Aro, from Korea!

**Aro:** Le gasp! How ever did they know it was my birthday!

**VampJillybean:** I told them because they are a friendly people who really didn't care anyway and it is fun to tell people things they don't care about because after a while they get extremely annoyed!

**All:** Touché!

**VampJillybean:** Anywho, because it is your birthday and I have coincidentally discovered what you want for your birthday, I have bought you enough musical instruments to make your own band!

**Aro:** FINALLY! MY OWN BAND!

**Jane:** Well, when your band makes a CD you can put it in my present…(hands him CD case)

**Aro:** How wonderfully genius of you, even though you had absolutely no idea what VampJillybean was getting me and this was obviously an attempt at being cheap! I will now start my own band! Auditions will be held in sixteen minutes!

(Sixteen minutes go by)

**Aro:** So, name please?

**Colonel McStuffington:** (stares blankly like only a devious teddy bear can)

**Aro:** I like you already! You get bass!

**Colonel McStuffington:** (continues to stare)

**Aro:** Yeah…Anyway, NEXT!

**Alec:** Hi, my name's, like, Alec, and I'm, like, uber awesome, so I, like, totally want to be in your band, like.

**Aro:** Haha no.

**Alec:** Like, please?

**Aro: **No. You're scaring me.

**Alec:** Like, whatever. You're totally not cool. (struts out)

**Aro:** Uh-huh. NEXT!

**Jasper:** I AM JAZZY-PANTS!!

**Aro:** OMC You have such an awesome name I am making you play the tuba.

**Jazzy-Pants:** Tuba?

**Aro:** DO NOT CONTRADICT ME!

**Jazzy-Pants:** Hurray for tubas! Joy of Joys!

**Aro:** YAY now get out of my face. NEXT!

**Caius:** Aro, do you, like, love me more than, like, Marcus?

**Aro:** Of course I love you more, because you did not steal my pudding cups and then become blatantly obvious about where you decided to hide them!

**Caius:** Like, joyness! Can I, like, be in your band now?

**Aro:** Of course my dearest brother! You can play keyboard!

**Caius:** Like, yay!

**Aro:** NEXT!

**Jane:** VampNinjWa dared me to.

**Aro:** Okay, you're in!

**Jane:** Why?

**Aro:** Because I need people to fill in empty positions. I still have one left to fill, and that is lead guitarist.

**Victoria:** 'Tis I, Victoria, and I have returned even though it was stated quite clearly that I was decapitated by a love struck vampire and therefore undoubtedly dead, and I have come to join your band!

**All:** Oh how simply splendid and not weird in the slightest!

**Aro:** Because I do not find certain situations throughout my life strange in any way, and this situation being one of those, I will appoint you as lead guitarist! We now have a band and can now brutally butcher songs written by experienced professionals and make our fans' ears bleed!

**Band:** OH JOY OF JOYS!

**Caius:** But what, like, is our band, like, called?

**Aro:** ARO AND THE TASTICS!

**VampJillybean:** WAIT!! YOU HAVE A LAST MINUTE ADDITION!

**Aro:** But the only possible position left would be xylophone player.

**Random Seal/Santa/Frog Thing From Charlie the Unicorn 2:** PUT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!

**Aro:** Wow, that was so utterly amazing and not strange at all that I am going to give you the position of lead singer and I will take the drums, which I only just remembered!

**Band and VampJillybean (who is the manager): **HUZZAH!!

(Scene fades to White Room)

**Jeff:** Well, normally we'd comment on the chapter or make rude comments towards the fans but we'll just say goodbye now instead! Bye!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Ditto.

* * *

**I deleted the A/N at the beginning of the chapter because I wrote it about a week ago and now it's pretty inaccurate. It's true, I've been writing this chapter for almost a week and a half. I was really busy with a lot of things, and now that school's over I may have more time to write - but don't get your hopes up. Alex will be giving me tSFT soon -does happy dance- and probably another six books so I'll have a lot to preoccupy myself with. I'll admit, I've also been working on my other fanfics more than this one because the other one is more fun to write, and plus I made a fanfic for aGaTB, but I can't post my other Twilight fanfic until I have a title. I'm REALLY bad a titles. Oh, and for those of you who were confused (because I forgot to mention it in the chapter) VampJillybean was mistaken for a Mexican Jumping Bean at Toys R Us and was shipped off to Korea. Unfortunately, people who are too lazy to read the A/N won't know that, but too bad for them. Anywho, I have to get to bed now because SOMEONE will most likely call at an ungodly hour (such as 11 o'clock - LE GASP!) and wake me up, so I hope you all enjoy the chapter and I'll try to be less evil and update more often.**

**Love forever!!**

**Alexa!! Xoxo**

**P.S. - Look!! It's A Fish! (I have a play list on my I Pod called that…really.)**


	11. What Happens After Vegas

**Well, it's Saturday right now, but God knows when the chapter will actually be posted. Our DSL at my house isn't working (the stupid Bell guy did it….CURSE YOU BELL CANADA!!) and they won't be able to come in and fix it until Monday, so I have to go internetless for that long -sobs- I haven't been on the internet since Thursday. My mom thinks it's funny that I have to wait so long, but I assure you it is not humorous in the slightest.Anyway, I went against my word and wrote chapter 7 of The Wicked Truth before this. I'll probably end up writing chapter 8 too. I'm sorry, I'm just so fond of that story -has vague recollection of what it was like to write first seven chapters- Anywho, I'll write as much as my mind can handle tonight, and try to get more done tomorrow.**

**Disclaimer - **Hmmm….I might own Twilight…..let me check.-calls Alex-

-Alex answers- What do you want? I was sleeping!

Me: Umm…Alex? It's 8:20, and we're both in the same time zone.

Alex: So! Doesn't mean I'm not having a nap!

Me: Whatever. Hey, I was wondering…

Alex: Not this again.

Me: Do I own Twilight?

Alex: No.

Me: You sure about that?

Alex: Absolutely sure. You don't own Twilight, New Moon or Eclipse. _Or_ the Pellinor series.

Me: Crap. Hey, do I own Microsoft?

Alex: No, that would be Bill Gates.

Me: Pepsi?

Alex: N- Sure, I guess you could.

Me: YAY FOR PEPSI! -hangs up-

Alex: G'night. -snores-

So apparently, I _don't_ own Twilight. But I _do _own Pepsi! Free Pepsis for everyone! Cheers!!

* * *

**Chapter 11: What Happens **_**After**_** Vegas**

**Jeff:** We're finally back!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Miss us?

**Jeff:** So the producers' strike didn't last that long, but then the hair and makeup artists went on strike too, so… we were kinda busy.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I was taking therapy six times a week and now I'm a much happier person!

**Jeff:** And I was increasing my junk collection! You'd never believe how much stuff they have on EBay!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Anyway, while we were gone, Aro and the Tastics got all the way to number one on the charts -

**Jeff:** Only to slide back down after a week.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** There was fighting (and some other stuff we can't mention on a family channel)

**Jeff:** And now Aro and the Tastics are no more.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Caius got over his Valley girl thing and moved on to British accents - they're all the rage now. Jane and Alec disappeared somewhere, off to do brother and sister things. VampJillybean got so fed up with the band that she, the manager, and VampNinjWa ran off to the Bahamas and haven't been seen since. Victoria turned into a puddle after the eighth day of stardom. And Jasper - well, we're still not sure what exactly happened, but Alice had to bring him home after a water-skiing incident.

**Jeff:** And what of Aro? He stayed in Vegas for three weeks and locked himself in a casino. We have exclusive footage here of everything that happened when he got back from Vegas.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So here's what happens _after_ Vegas.

(Cuts to Big Room, where Caius is seen sitting on a mat with incense burning all around him and making OHMMMM noises. Aro walks in.)

**Aro:** Hello Caius.

**Caius:** OHMMMMM

**Aro:** Give it up, my brother. You will _not_ be able to levitate!

**Caius:** At least let a man dream!! (runs away)

**Aro:** And they said _I_ was the sensitive one.

**VampNinjWa:** (walks in with VampJillybean) Hello, Aro. I thought you were locked in a casino somewhere in Vegas?

**Aro: **And I thought happiness could be bought with poker chips, but oh, how wrong I was.

**VampNinjWa:** Yeah…..

**VampJillybean:** It's side affects of being a sore loser. Does that to everyone.

**Aro:** I am _not _a sore loser! I had everything! _Everything!_ But I just _had _to drop one chip too many and BAM! No summer home in Maine.

(VampNinjWa and VampJillybean exchange glances)

**Jane:** Hey VampJillybean. Hey VampNinjWa. Hey _dolt_.

**Aro:** You know, it's moments like these when I wish I was still Emro. I have the hair for it (does hair flip)

**Jane:** So….I heard what happened in Vegas.

**VampNinjWa:** Yeah, I heard about that too.

**Aro:** It was a simple mistake and we're not talking about it.

**Jane:** Okay! God, don't be so emo about it.

**Alec:** Hello everyone.

**Aro:** Why is everyone here?! You're swarming me! Don't you know I'm claustrophobic?!

**Everyone:** …

**Alexa:** I'M BACK!! **(A/N: sorry, I had to do it. The chapter was seriously dull and needed saving by an NFL quarterback.)**

**Aro:** OH EMM GEE it's ALEXA! (hugs)

**Alexa:** Eww, you're getting emo germs on me.

**Aro:** (cries)

**Alexa:** Go ahead, cry me a river. I'll use it to recreate the story of Sedna!

**Everyone:** (blank looks)

**Alexa:** Or I'll get Patrick to sing to the fish and get them to come to me so I can herd them into a fish army, which I will then put tutus on and force to do the Macarena all night long!

**Aro:** Ah. Much more sinister.

**Alexa: **_Anyway_, I was randomly added to the chapter by the author (stupid author, interrupting my Teletubbies time) to make it _not suck_, so….let's do something non-suckish!

**Aro:** What do you suggest?

**Alexa:** MONOPOLY!!

(They spend the next six hours playing Monopoly)

**Alexa:** Do I own all the properties yet?

**Jane:** You own two and a half.

**Alec:** How do you own half a property?

**Jane:** Ask her and dolt.

**Aro:** Stop calling me that!

**Alexa:** This is boring because I'm not winning.

**Jane:** Figures…

**Alexa:** Shush, you!

**Jane:** Sorry.

**Alexa:** We're going to a Karaoke bar.

**VampJillybean:** Ummm…..Alexa? Me and you are too young for bars.

**Jane:** So am I (well, not technically since I _am _a vampire).

**Alexa:** If I say we're going to a Karaoke bar, we're going to a Karaoke bar! Get it? Got it? Good.

(They go to Karaoke bar)

**Bar Guy:** How old are you?

**Aro, Caius, Jane and Alec:** Old?

**Bar Guy:** Okay, you're in.

(They go in)

**Bar Guy:** And how old are you two? (points to Alexa and VampJillybean)

**Alexa:** Ask the fruitcake.

**Bar Guy:** Okay you're in too.

**VampNinjWa:** (sneaks in)

**Aro:** You dragged us all here, so you get to choose the songs. I mean -

**Alexa:** Too late! You already said I could. Aro, you're doing Best Friends by Toybox, and you can't object.

(Aro goes up on stage, takes the microphone and clears his throat. He starts to sing in a high pitched voice **(A/N: Play the song for better visual) **and they find that he's actually pretty good.)

**Aro:** There. Done. Jane's turn!

**Alexa:** Ooh! Well, you were mean to me, so…you get to do My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion! Hey, that rhymes!

(Jane takes the stage and starts singing, but halfway through lets out an angry yelp and pounces on Alexa, who pushes her off with ease.)

**Alexa:** I may be human, but I'm super, and that makes me SUPERHUMAN! -cackles- Okay, VampJillybean doesn't have to go because she's too lame and doesn't want to **(A/N: Jill actually gets really nervous about singing in front of people, and I knew that no power on Earth could make Jill, real or fictional, sing in front of a large group of people. Although, there may be said power on Neptune…) **so VampNinjWa will go in her place.

**VampNinjWa:** Why me?!

**Alexa:** Because torturing waffles is fun. If only Bella were here….but anyway, you'll be doing Party Up In Here by DMX.

**VampJillybean:** Why? Not that I object.

**Alexa:** I've never seen a waffle rap.

(VampNinjWa raps)

**Alexa:** Wow. Now I can check "make waffle rap" off my Bucket List! Anyway, Caius's turn.

**Caius:** Oh God.

**Alexa:** Hmmm……Phantom of the Opera. _Both_ Christine and the Phantom.

**Jane:** Wow, you really know how to be evil to men.

**Alexa:** It's a gift. It's also the reason I haven't had a boyfriend in two years, but honestly, I'm not complaining…

(Caius takes stage and sings very loud and ear-splitting opera, and everyone claps politely while making a mental note to see the doctor about their now bleeding ears.)

**Caius:** Alec's turn!

**Alexa: **Let's see….Only Hope by Mandy Moore

**Alec:** Isn't that from A Walk To Remember?

**Everyone:** (blank stares)

**Alec:** I-I watched it with Jane.

**Jane:** No you didn't -

**Alec:** SHUT UP! (goes to stage and performs…well, in all honesty, hilariously)

(Alec comes back to stand with them and glares daggers at Alexa)

**Alec:** Your turn, demon.

**Alexa:** (ponders) THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN OF ULTIMATE DESTINY BY LEMON DEMON!!

(Alexa goes up to the stage in a very professional manner, as she has done several times now, and begins singing.)

_Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and Benito Mussolini, and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie_

_Robocop, Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lopan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, the Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan_

(Continues with the rest of the song, finishes and returns to small circle)

**VampJillybean:** You have _actual singing talent_ and decide to do _Lemon Demon?_

**Alexa:** Would you rather it was that or Bananaphone?

**Everyone: **That.

**Alexa:** Good. Now that this is settled, we're going to Marine Land.

**Aro:** Why?!

**Alexa:** Because the commercial is back! Le DUH!

(Spend six and a half days in Marine Land)

**Jane:** Alexa, I have a question for you.

**Alexa:** Shoot.

**Jane:** Shouldn't you be tired by now? I mean, you're only human.

**Alexa:** Now Jane, why ever would you ask such a - (falls asleep)

**Alec:** (High fives Jane)

**Jane:** I know. I'm great.

(Cuts to White Room)

**Jeff:** So now you know what happens after Vegas.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah, well, I have a therapy appointment to get to, so…BYE!

**Jeff:** Hasta la Pasta!

* * *

**So I know it wasn't the greatest chapter, but I'm running out of ideas. Seriously. Not being at school means less time with friends, and that makes me boring and tired. Boring and tired means not funny, therefore: Chapter 11! Something big and unexpected (at least by the cast of Aro the Arotastic) is happening next chapter, but I'm not yet sure how. Anyway, guess what? It's still Saturday! That means I **_**would**_** be posting today, right now, if my stupid internet was working. Oh well. I'll post this as soon as I can. Off to write more of The Wicked Truth!**

**Love lots and lots!!**

**Alexa xxxx**

**PS - For those of you who also read Letters To Kartik (though I doubt there's very many, that isn't a very popular fanfic), I'm waiting for my bestie Alex to write a letter before I can write the next chapter. Oh, and I'm going to see if Miranda wants to too. But it **_**will**_** get updated….eventually.**

**PPS - All the songs used in the chapter are from my IPod. I just used the first song I found that was really OOC, then made the character sing it. Except for The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. I actually **_**have**_** memorized that. That, and Bananaphone. I'm good at singing, I just prefer to sing songs that show that I really do belong in a mental asylum.**


	12. SA2MACD

**Hello everyone!! Did you miss me? Well, technically I didn't go anywhere….but that's not the point. Okay, well, I promise this chapter will be better than the last. I've had the idea for this one in my head for over a week, I just haven't gotten around to updating…sorry. So, I just realized something: Friday is the two-month anniversary for this fanfic! Shocker, right? So, I declare this chapter the Super-Awesome-2-Month-Anniversary-Chapter-Deluxe, because I have an obsession with the number two. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!**

**Disclaimer - **We've been through this before. I own Pepsi and thirty pairs of socks, but _not_ Twilight.

**Random Dedication:** This chapter is dedicated to Dreamnation (the song), dune buggies, and MR 3, for being my three favourite things in the universe.

* * *

**Chapter 12: Super-Awesome-2-Month-Anniversary-Chapter-Deluxe**

**Jeff:** Welcome to the special addition episode of The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Just to warn you, this episode is mildly intense. There are things you are about to witness that my permanently affect the viewers. We are not liable for any injury, physical or mental, that has been inflicted by cause of this episode.

**Jeff:** God, Mr. Kittywhale, you take the fun out of everything. Enjoy the episode!

(Scene cuts to Alec sitting at the Big Table, looking slightly perturbed.)

**Alec:** -mumbles- I still don't understand how they get the jelly _in_ the doughnut.

**Aro:** -bursts in- Oh. Em. Gee. Alec?

**Alec:** What do you want now?

**Aro:** I have _fantabulous_ news!

**Alec:** Fantabulous….?

**Aro:** Shut up and let me finish! Okay, well, I know it's kinda hard to believe but…I'm pregnant!

**Alec:** -blank stares-

**Alexa:** Wassup?

**Aro:** I'm pregnant!

**Alexa:** No way! Congrats, man!

**Alec:** Don't you find this weird at all?

**Alexa:** Nah. My cousin owns a penguin farm in Cali. This is nothing.

**Alec:** …..?

**Jane:** -walks in- Hello Alec, Alexa….dolt.

**Aro:** I'll disregard that. Anyway, guess what love?

**Jane:** -rolls eyes- What is it this time?

**Aro:** I'm pregnant! And you're the father!

**Jane:** -blank stares, then faints-

**VampNinjWa:** Woah, I _so_ did not see that coming.

**Alexa:** Yeah, Aro, I thought you had more taste than _Jane_.

**Aro:** -shrugs- She gave me a zucchini.

**VampJillybean:** What'd I miss?

**VampNinjWa:** Aro's pregnant with Jane's baby.

**Alec:** How can none of you find this strange?!

**Everyone:** -shrugs-

**Aro:** OMG I have to make a trip to Babies R Us. Who wants to come?

**Alexa:** Can't. I have to go back to NFL. But I'll come by for the baby shower, I promise!

**Aro:** Bye-bye darling! -air kiss-

**Alexa:** -air kiss back- So long, my friends. Until we meet again! -poofs-

**Aro:** Thank God she left.

(Six hours later)

**Jane:** -wakes up- Pregnant?! NOOOO!!

(Meanwhile…)

**Aro:** I was thinking Sarah-Louise-Maria-Anette-Genvieve-Catherine the Third for a girl, after my mother, and Jonathan-Louis-Marco-Antonio-Paul-Juan-Steven the Seventh for a boy, after my great-uncle.

**Random Baby Momma:** Great name choices.

**Aro:** I know, right? And I was thinking of going with a turquoise wall colour so as not to gender discriminate. Plus, the colour is said to soothe the baby.

**Random Baby Momma:** I agree. Although, I went with teal for my first child.

**Aro:** That was my second choice! You know, getting to talk to other mothers is a great opportunity.

(Also Meanwhile…)

**VampNinjWa:** -on monkey bars- -high-pitched girly voice- I'll jump!

**VampJillybean:** -low voice- No you won't.

**VampNinjWa:** -still high voice- Yes I will!

(And back to Aro…)

**Aro:** So, Alec, do you think I should go with Huggies or Pampers?

**Alec:** I think you should give up and admit that YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!

**Aro:** -breaks down- How could you even say that?! You are so insensitive to my needs! -sobs-

**Alec:** How do you know you're pregnant?

**Aro:** I took a test.

**Alec:** It could have been wrong.

**Aro:** I took nine.

**Alec:** Nine?

**Aro:** I wanted to be sure. Jane and I have gone through a false pregnancy before, and it was very hard on us.

**Jane:** Aro, I will kill you.

**Aro:** Gah! -hides behind Alec-

**Jane:** Oh stop being a wuss!

**Aro:** What do you want from me?

**Jane:** I vant your blud!

**Aro:** Sorry babe, don't have any.

**Jane:** Oh. Then I want to make sure the baby is mine.

(Later at baby clinic…)

**Doctor Guy:** Jane, the baby is yours.

**Jane:** Yes! -does happy dance- I'll go call Phil!

**Aro:** Who's Phil?

**Jane:** Oops, did I say Phil? I meant Mr. Blue.

**Aro:** You two are on a first name basis?

**Jane:** We're close.

**Aro:** Jane, have you been cheating on me?

**Jane:** No!

**Aro:** Tell me the truth!

**Jane:** We were planning a surprise party for you.

**Aro:** For what?

**Jane:** The sixth anniversary of your breast reduction.

**Aro:** Aww, you remembered!

**Jane:** Of course!

(Later on…)

**Aro:** I say we have a dance party to celebrate!

**Everyone:** Yeah! -dances to Dreamnation-

(Meanwhile…)

**Alexa:** -sobs-

**Coach Guy:** Hey Lex, what's wrong?

**Alexa:** They're having a dance party without me! And playing Dreamnation! That's _my_ theme song! -sobs more-

**Whole Team:** -pats back-

**Alexa:** -sniffles- Thanks guys.

(And back with Aro…)

**Aro:** Hmm….those curtains are tacky. I want only the best for my unborn baby! -puts hands on protruding stomach-

**Jane:** How did you suddenly get so big?

**Aro:** Vampire babies mature quickly.

**Jane:** Ahh.

**VampNinjWa:** Hey guys, wutcha doing??

**Jane:** Decorating the nursery.

**Aro:** And where have YOU been?!

**VampJillybean:** Chillax, dude. We were catching some sand waves in our dune buggy.

(Meanwhile…)

**Alexa:** -sobs harder- THEY RODE A DUNE BUGGY WITHOUT ME!!

(And back with Aro…)

**Mr. Blue:** So, pregnant, huh?

**Aro:** Yeah. Ooh, I feel him kicking!

**Mr. Blue:** You're pretty huge. How long have you been pregnant?

**Aro:** Five days. Give me another two and I'll be ready to pop this sucker out.

**Mr. Blue:** That seems perfectly logical to me.

**Aro:** I know, right?

(The next day…)

**Jane:** Ooh, thanks for the presents!

**Aro:** Yeah, we really appreciate it. Little Sarah-Louise-Maria-Anette-Genvieve-Catherine the Third will just love all her presents.

**Alexa:** No matter what kind of demonic name you give that child, I am determined to call her Skittles.

**Aro:** Of course. Will you be the godmother?

**Alexa:** I'd love to! -kneels by Aro's huge belly- Hello, Little Skittles. I can't wait till you come out tomorrow! I can teach you how to play football, and make mud pie, and play with worms, and all the anti-little girl things I did growing up!

**Jane:** That alone explains so much.

**Marcus:** -jumps out of cake- Guess who's back?!

**Aro:** Le gasp! I _so_ did not see this coming!

**VampJil****lybean:** I did.

**Bella:** Aw crap, I thought I killed you. This sucks.

**Marcus:** Oh, you did kill me.

**Aro:** Then how did you come back?

**Marcus:** I was put in Limbo. There's a back exit.

**Aro:** Ahh.

**Marcus:** Yeah….

**Aro:** So…

**Marcus:** So…

**Aro:** You're gonna be an uncle…

**Marcus:** Yeah, I heard…

**Aro:** Her room is yellow, she seemed to respond well to yellow…

**Marcus:** Oh cool…

**Aro:** Yeah….

**Marcus:** Well…

**Aro:** Om My God I think my water just broke.

**Jane:** OMG I'm almost a daddy!

**Aro:** Somebody call a freaking ambulance NOW! -heavy breathing-

(Later in the hospital…)

**Aro:** Jane?

**Jane:** Aro?

**Aro:** I hate you.

**Jane:** Good to know. -runs out of room-

**Aro:** Alexa?

**Alexa:** Yo.

**Aro:** Kill Jane for me.

**Alexa:** My pleasure. -skips out of room-

**Doctor:** It's a girl!

**Aro:** Woah! Seriously? I'm done?

**Doctor:** Yeah. Now take the freaking baby.

**Aro: **Hello, Sarah-Louise-Maria-Anette-Genvieve-Catherine the Third! Oh em gee, I think I might cry. -tear tear-

**VampNinjWa:** Ah, the miracle of life.

**VampJillybean:** Gross.

**Alexa:** Eww it's a child!

**Jane:** Shut up biotch! That's _my_ child!

**Alexa:** Don't tell me to shut up you ho!

**Both:** -cat fight-

**Alec:** I still don't see how any of this is possible.

(Cut to White Room)

**Jeff:** So, how did you like the special episode?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Next episode will feature special footage of Skittle's first years of life.

**Jeff:** I swear, that kid ages faster than a banana in the freezer.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** …. -blank stares-

**Gustaff:** Yeah, well….Later!

* * *

**So, what do you guys think? I'm especially fond of this chapter. Anyway, review like the wind! I love you all!**

**Yours Fondly,**

**Alexa -hearts-**


	13. Electric Blowtorch

**Le GASP! You know what I just realized? I haven't updated in about 2 weeks! How rotten am I? (Don't answer that) Anyway, I had already started this chapter over a week ago and decided that I better finish it. Sorry to all my peeps out there, but I was kinda distracted. I read Tithe and Blood and Chocolate (which were both EXTREMELY good) and have been getting other writing done. I've been writing a story, but not a fanfic, and am very engrossed in it. It's quite good, not to sound cocky. And yes, Alex, Lumi WILL eat Sparky's hamster, Matches!! Sorry bout that outburst, folks. Anyway, I'm also ticked off and stressed out because I haven't read Breaking Dawn yet and won't be able to start until probably tomorrow because I have to get it from my bestie Alex, but I have been trying several methods of calming down. Breathing exercises, music, reading, singing into a vacuum hose (don't ask)….ANYway, I'll just get on with it.**

**Disclaimer - **Random Person: Hmmm….Twilight….never heard of it.

Me: Never heard of _Twilight?!_

Random Person: No. What is it?

Me: An awesometasticly crackerjack piece of an awesometasticly crackerjack series that I do not own!!

Random Person: You don't own Twilight?

Me: Nope.

Random Person: ZING!

Me: Hey!! I own Pepsi!

Random Person: No way! That's _way_ cooler than this "Twilight" book.

Me: HUZZAH!!

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen: Electric Blowtorch**

**Jeff:** We're back!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **No, Jeff, we're not. -sarcasm-

**Jeff:** …..We're not?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** No. This is an alternate universe where the fans will come to _us_ and show _us_ what Aro and the gang have been up to…as long as you go through those doors….-points to Emergency Exit-

**Jeff:** -walks over- Here?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** That's right.

**Jeff:** -Steps through and is grabbed by men in white coats before door swings shut-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Hehehe…..Anyway, on with the show.

(Scene cuts to Aro sitting on a chair while two-year-old Skittles sits on the floor with a squirrel carcass)

**Jane:** ….Aro? What is our daughter holding?

**Aro:** Squirrel carcass.

**Jane:** Ahh.

**Skittles:** Oooh……squirrely……

**Alexa:** -falls through hole in the roof- Tada!!

**Aro:** Look Skittles, your godmother's here!

**Skittles:** Yay! Lexa! -holds up dead squirrel- Squirrely?

**Alexa:** No thanks, sweetie. Ooh, you're so big! How old are you now?

**Skittles:** Two.

**Alexa:** I remember when you were just a tiny baby….about two weeks ago. Those were the days….

**Aro:** I'm taking her to the zoo today.

**Skittles:** PENGUINS?!

**Aro:** Yes, honey. Penguins.

**Skittles:** Yumm!

**Jane:** Spoken like a true Volturi. But don't eat the penguins, honey.

**Skittles:** No penguins?

**Jane:** No darling. No penguins.

**Skittles:** Oh….turtles?

**Jane:** Yeah sure go for it.

**Skittles:** YES! -skips out the door-

(Ten minutes later…)

**Aro:** I never thought I'd see the day when I got to bring my own daughter to the zoo! -wipes away imaginary tear-**Jane:** Stop being all sentimental and give me the freaking camera.

**Aro:** Why must you always be so cruel?! -sobs-

**Skittles:** Mommy…..

**Aro:** -wipes away tears- Yes darling?

**Skittles:** What are explosives?

**Aro:** They're the things that go "boom"

**Skittles:** AWESOME!! Mommy, can I have explosives?

**Aro:** No.

**Skittles:** Daddy?

**Jane:** No way.

**Skittles:** Alexa will give me some.

**Alexa:** Heck yes! Let's go make explosions, my dear! -poofs with Skittles-

**Jane:** _Why_ did you pick her to be godmother again?

**Aro:** She's got lotsa cash from the sporting industry.

**Jane:** Ahhh…..

(Meanwhile…)

**Alexa: **This, my child, is a bomb.

**Skittles:** -takes bomb- Cool….

**Alexa:** Yes. Very cool. Now, use the lighter like I showed you and light the tip…

**Skittles:** -lights tip- Now what?

**Alexa:** Throw it in a random direction and run.

**Skittles:** Will do! -throws bomb and runs-

**Alexa:** Bombs are good. I love bombs. **(A/N: Haha MR quote…gotta love those guys and their obsession with explosives!)** Okay, how's about we take this dynamite and go explode abandoned prams in Russia?

**Skittles:** I can dig it.

(Meanwhile….)

**Jane:** You think they've been arrested yet?

**VampJillybean:** Naw, not yet. Besides, Alexa never gets caught.

**Jane:** Why not?

**VampJillybean:** She has sneaking shoes.

**Jane:** I see….

**VampJillybean:** She's probably in Russia blowing up prams.

**Aro:** Prams?

**Jane:** Baby strollers, you dolt.

**Aro:** Stop calling me that!

**Jane:** Stop being one then!

**Alec:** Ha! ZING!

**Aro:** If you're going to keep this up, I'm calling for a divorce.

**Jane:** Go ahead, see if I care!

(Two hours later…)

**Lawyer Man:** Divorce papers are all singed now. Aro has custody of the child and Jane is a big fat turd.

**Jane:** Do you have the right to call me that?

**Lawyer Man:** No, but if you tried to sue me for it I'd win the case anyway.

**Alec:** ZING!

**Jane:** Fine, I'm leaving. -leaves-

**Aro:** SHE'S FINALLY GONE! Why did I even marry her, anyway?

**Caius:** She's got a smokin hot bod.

**Aro:** Oh yeah…anyway, Skittles is better off without a father anyway. Too much female influence.

**Caius:** What about Alexa?

**Aro:** -shrugs- She's an NFL star and loves cars.

**VampNinjWa:** In other words, she's guy enough for us not to be worried.

**Caius:** Ahh, I see.

**Alexa:** He-lo!

**Skittles:** Yeah. Ditto.

**Aro:** How was your day with your godmother, sweetie?

**Skittles:** Great! She taught me how to use explosives, and play football, and carefully remove car parts so as to use them to make a robotic penguin which we sent swimming (which was a bad idea cuz he exploded), flip off muggers…

**Aro:** Aww, honey I'm so proud of you!

**Skittles:** And the best part is, I saw daddy leaving on the way in and kicker her in the knee!

**Aro:** Good for you, kid!

**Alexa:** As much fun as this has been, I promised the guys we'd all go to the bar and I'd buy them drinks.

**Aro:** Are you even old enough to drink?

**Alexa:** No. Bye! -falls through random hole in the floor-

**Caius:** She's odd.

**Skittles:** No, she's randomtastic!

**Alec:** She's like a tiny evil clone of Alexa…be afraid, be very afraid…-cowers under table-

**Skittles:** -cackles-

**Aro:** So, anything interesting we should know about?

**Skittles:** Alexa bought me an electric blowtorch.

**Aro:** A what now?

**Skittles:** Electric blowtorch. You know, with the flames.

**VampJillybean:** She bought you that?

**VampNinjWa:** I wouldn't put it past her.

**Skittles:** Oh yeah, and I can curse people now.

-Marcus walks in-

**Skittles: **-to Marcus in a creepy voice- You will die in seven days…

(Seven days later…)

**Marcus:** Oh look! I'm dead! -dies-

(Scene cuts to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Since Jeff isn't here and I ran out of witty remarks, I really have nothing to say….so bye.

* * *

**HUZZAH! I GOT IT DONE!! Okay, that chapter was pointless and painful to write. But whatevs. Hmm….what should I say that is both witty and random that I have not already stated….I'm afraid of giant whales. You know, the huge ones with the weird teeth things? Yeah, those creep me out. I'm afraid of being eaten by one. It sounds odd, but, then again, it is ME we're talking about. Anything else? My life goal is to go to Disney World with all my besties and flirt with Mickey Mouse….but that's not that interesting…I can never eat brownies ever again with a straight face (damn you bibliocrazed and Ignorance is Not Bliss! Just kidding, love you both lots!!)…Okay, I've got nothing. Until next time, faithful readers.**

**Beaucoup d'aime (That's Lots of Love, for you non-French-speaking peoples),**

**Alexa -hearts and brownies!!- -snickers-**


	14. For Random's Sake

**Okay, so, I got random inspiration for this chapter and decided to write it on a whim. And, for future reference, Yes, I am quite random. Thanks for noticing! Anyway, ON WITH THE CHAPTER!!**

**Disclaimer - **Have you ever noticed that turtles look old even when they're first born? Or that I don't own Twilight? But I do own Pepsi? Wow, I strange world we have grown up in…

* * *

**Chapter 14: For Random's Sake**

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yep, still just me here. They haven't released Jeff yet…at least not since "the incident"….but we don't talk about that. Anyway…ROLL IT!

(Scene cuts to a very chaotic household setting as several pieces of furniture are overturned and people - I mean vampires - are running everywhere.)

**Aro:** -walks in- WOAH! What kind of ruckus are you hooligans making?!

**Alec:** Haha….hooligans….

**Aro:** Alec, I think you've lost your marbles.

**Alec:** Indeed I have. Will you help me find them? Ooh, look! There's one now! -picks up marble and cackles evilly-

**Alexa:** -in war paints- Who dares to cackle in my presence? -narrows eyes in a very mean look-

**Alec:** I do.

**Alexa:** Only _I_ may cackle!

**Alec:** What do I care?

(Alexa then pounces on Alec, who retaliates by flipping her over and pinning her arms down beside her head. She then jerks violently to the left and throws him off, proceeding to bend over him and pin him to the ground in the same manner. This goes on for a few more minutes, and the two knock over several chairs and tables in the process.)

**Aro:** Will somebody _please_ tell me what's going on?

**Skittles:** Alec finally cracked when Alexa fell through a hole in his bedroom ceiling for the eighteenth time and started following him everywhere. He just screamed random nonsense at her and she retaliated by doing the same, and they've been fighting and cursing and screaming at each other for the last six days while you were out trying to find the right paint colour for your bedroom.

**Aro:** Oh. So they've been like this for a while?

**Skittles:** Yeah. Alec is pretty nuts. I mean, when he goes crazy, he goes crazy just like the next guy. But Alexa? …She's….special.

**Aro:** You have no idea, my child.

(Alexa suddenly breaks free of Alec and jumps up on an overturned table.)

**Alexa:** Fools! You dare defy me, Alexa, Queen of Randominity and Master of All That Is Illogical?!

**Alec:** Yes. I do.

**Alexa:** You know, I never liked you much, Alec.

**Alec:** Of course you didn't. You're a wolf person.

**Alexa:** Be that as it may, out of all the vampires in this household, you are my least favourite.

**Alec:** That hurt, Lex.

**Alexa:** Oh, cry me a river and go drown in it! -jumps off table and stalks out of the room in a very queenly fashion, making sure to swish her cape-

**Skittles:** Wow. What that girl won't do for a brownie. **(A/N: Haha, brownie….GAH! It's just to hilarious to bear!)**

**Aro:** This fight is over a _brownie?_

**Skittles:** Well, _this_ fight is. Last one was over which song from Phantom of the Opera was best. Alexa said Point of No Return and Alec said Masquerade.

**Aro:** Those two really have lost it, haven't they?

**Skittles:** They have. It's creeping me out.

**Aro:** Ooh, I know! We can ditch them and go annoy the Cullens!

**Skittles:** YAY! -poofs with Aro-

**Jasper:** -talking to squirrel-

**Aro:** Boo!

**Jasper:** GAH!

**Skittles:** You're right, this is fun.

**Jasper:** Who are you?

**Skittles:** The infamous Skittles!

**Jasper:** That makes so much sense!

**Skittles:** I know, right?

**Aro:** Your ability to make anyone agree with you no matter how shocking, wrong, random or irrational the statement seems vaguely familiar…

**Skittles:** Never mind that now.

**Aro:** Right! Let's go find Bella!

**Bella:** This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy went home…

**Aro:** Bella!

**Bella:** Aro!

**Skittles:** Skittles!

**Bella: **Skittles?

**Skittles:** Bella?

**Edward:** EDWARD!

**Skittles:** Look out! Alec right behind you!

**Edward:** -screams and runs away-

**Skittles:** Works every time.

**Bella:** So, why have you scared my husband away? Not that I object.

**Skittles:** Because I am the infamous Skittles!

**Bella:** That makes so much sense!

**Skittles:** I know, right?

**Alexa:** -randomly poofs in- AHA! I've got you now! -pulls Aro's hands behind his back-

**Aro:** -sighs-What do you want this time, Lex?

**Alexa:** I want an orange sorbet dripping with CHOCOLATE! Cuz that's how crazy I am!

**Faraway Mystery Voice:** ZING!

**Alexa:** I know that ZING….-yells- ALEC!

**Alec:** -snickers-

**Alexa:** Only _I_ may snicker!

**Alec:** What do I care!

**Alexa:** -runs off to go find him and tackle him having done so-

**Skittles:** Guess what I just learned!!

**Aro:** What?

**Skittles:** I can make tiramisu while juggling pianos and balancing a seal on my head!

**A****ro:** Amazing!

**Skittles:** I know, right?

**Bella:** You say that a lot.

**Aro:** Reminds me of someone…

**Alexa:** -faraway- -cackles-

**Aro:** …but I can't figure out who.

**Skittles:** ANYway….I'm hungry. Let's go bungee jumping.

**Aro:** Kay.

(One bungee jump later…)

**Skittles:** I'm tired. Let's go hunt.

**Aro:** Sure….

(One hunt and a very satisfied Skittles later…)

**Skittles:** I'm bored. Let's go watch Animal Planet.

**Aro:** For Random's sake, stop saying Pete things!

**Skittles:** …what?

**Alexa:** Skittles, I think your mom's a little off her rocker. I'll go watch Animal Planet with you and listen to you droning on about how hungry it's making you.

**Skittles:** YAY!

(Cut to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Still alone…and bored….I'm gonna go watch Animal Planet too.

* * *

**I know it was a really short chapter, but it was highly entertaining to write. VERY fun. Anyway, I'm just really happy that I got two chapters in one day! Kudos to me! ANYway…I ran out of witty and random things to say. Unless I tell you that a gorilla's favourite food is shoe because donkeys don't have stripes. Bye now!**

**Lots of Love to my Peeps,**

**Alexa -hearts-**


	15. The Chapter That Hath No Name

**Before you all yell at me, I know. I haven't updated in over two weeks. But in my defence, I was preoccupied. I read Tithe and Valiant and Ironside and Sketches and Why I Let My Hair Grow Out and Saint Iggy (which was SO sad!! I actually cried!!) and I'm partially through reading Wicked Lovely. Also I've been hanging out with Alex and Miranda more often now that they're home from their vacations and won't be going anywhere. Oh and this weekend I was up north seeing my cousins who went there to visit my grandpa and step-grandma. My cousins are from Halifax and we haven't seen them in 2 years and won't see them for another 2 years at my other cousin's wedding (I have lots of cousins. On my mom's side she has a brother, a sister, a step-sister, a half-sister, and 4 step-brothers, and on my dad's side he has 4 sisters and 4 brothers. Anyway, almost all of my aunts and uncles have kids so I ended up having TONS of cousins and now I have baby second cousins and all that jazz. Anyway, there's your lesson in my family history for the day). So, in other words, I've been busy.**

**ANYway, if you're interested I have a new story out called Never Say Never. Also, if you didn't already know, I have another story called The Wicked Truth as well. Oh, and for any of you who read it, I haven't been able to update because it hates me as of now and I got writer's block. I_ may_**** attempt to update it once school starts again (only one more week of summer vacation here in Canada…sucks, doesn't it?) but it may take a while before it decides to like me again or I figure out how to get to where I want to be.**

**Okay, well, this week may be busy because JILL COMES BACK FROM GERMANY TOMORROW -EEP!- and we all have to hang out and we're going to the mall at one point too. PLUS my mom's friend's surprise party is this Saturday and I'm either going or finding someone else to burden with my presence. ANYway, now that that's all settled, ON WITH THE CHAPTER!!**

**Random Dedication: To everyone that's been with me since the beginning or at least a really long time. To bibliocrazed, Smexii Bruisie (cuz she's Alex), hugss'n'kissess (cuz she's Miranda), mad-sugar-but-sweet, TheVampireWithTheGoldenEyes, and whoever the heck else reads every chapter and reviews frequently. Okay, well, ANYway…**

**(Oh, and for future reference, anything I say about drugs that suggests that I'm on them is not true. Me and my friends always joke that we're on drugs. Well, usually it's Miranda and Alex telling me I'm on drugs or Miranda telling Alex she's on drugs and that I'm sharing or me and Alex claiming Miranda's on drugs…but most often it's Miranda telling me I'm on drugs after reading one of my reviews…but anyone who has a story I've ever reviewed can understand that. So, just to be clear, I am **_**not**_** doing drugs and don't plan to, ever. But who knows? Stuff happens.**

**Disclaimer - **Screw Twilight. I own Aro, tWT, and NSN. That's _way_ better than anything Steph Meyer ever came up with. So HA!

* * *

**Chapter 15**

_**(We are sorry to report that the name of this chapter sold it's soul to the Pillsbury Dough Boy and disappeared shortly after the exchange.)**_

**Alexa:** Guess who!

**Skittles:** It's us!

**Alexa:** Okay, so, Mr. Kittywhale had to go to an emergency therapy session…

**Skittles:** But we're not legally allowed to say why.

**Alexa:** So ANYway, we just happened to be around….doing stuff…..

**Skittles:** I think you were seeing your dealer -

**Alexa:** Shut up, you! We don't talk about that! I don't have a problem!

**Skittles:** Right…

**Alexa:** ANYway, so I ditched my friends (who tried to follow, but the laws of plot development held them back) **(A/N: Lol, sorry…the whole thing is kind of an inside joke.)** and decided that I would much rather host the show. So here I am!

**Skittles:** See, the producers didn't know that we knew about the show.

**Alexa:** Yeah, I know. They're pretty dim-witted. I mean, I could understand about Skittles, but how could _I_ not know about it?!

**Skittles:** I have a feeling I'm missing something here…

**Alexa:** ANYway, now it's time to view the latest chapter of The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic.

**Skittles:** Minus us.

**Alexa:** Which makes it no fun.

**Skittles:** Because I'm the cute one.

**Alexa:** And I'm a genius ninja…with great hair.

**Skittles:** Anyway, enjoy the show!

**Alexa:** Ditto!!

(Cuts to Alec and Jane having a pleasant conversation.)

**Alec:** Oh, hello little sister.

**Jane:** Good to see you Alec.

**Alec:** It is good to see me, isn't it? I'm grand.

**Jane:** I heard you got put in therapy.

**Alec:** I had a mild spazz attack and went crazy. It's nothing new.

**Jane:** Umm, actually it is…I've missed a lot, haven't I?

**Alec:** Oh yes. Just like how I hate Alexa, Marcus is dead again, Demetri has randomly returned, and Aro is just being Aro.

**Jane:** Demetri's back?

**Alec:** Yeah. He randomly disappeared a little while ago but we finally found him again.

**Jane:** That's good.

**Aro:** -walks in-

**Jane:** Ahh, Aro. Good to see you again.

**Aro:** Get out of my house!

**Alec:** _Someone's_ being moody.

**Aro:** Shut up, you whorish, crack-head mental patient! Nobody likes you!

**Alec:** That cut me deep.

**Aro:** I hope you bleed to re-death.

**Alec:** Why do you all hate me so! -sobs and runs off-

**Aro:** He misses Alexa.

**Jane:** I thought he said he hates her…

**Aro:** Oh, he does, of course. But when she's around he has someone to take out his angst on.

**Jane:** Really? Interesting…

**Aro:** Yes, well, he's an ex-crazy going through withdrawal, he has many emotional problems.

**Jane:** Makes sense.

**Aro:** Why are you in my house?

**Jane:** I'm here to see my child.

**Aro:** Not here.

**Jane:** Where is she?

**Aro:** With her godmother.

**Jane:** You left her alone with that…that…psychotic bipolar arsonist?

**Alexa:** -voiceover- Hold on! Cut!

(Cuts)

**Alexa:** Just to set the record straight, I am only mildly psychotic and bipolar, and I'm not really that much of an arsonist! So I like to blow stuff up, big deal! Jane always over-exaggerates everything. That's why I told Aro to ditch her, and he agreed.

**Skittles:** _You_ made my parents split?

**Alexa:** I was doing everyone a favour. Besides, Jane was just so _dull._ She wasn't interesting enough to be on the show.

**Skittles:** But she's my parent!

**Alexa:** Parents are overrated. I'd rather have a bird-kid.

**Skittles:** Bird-kid…?

**Alexa:** All in due time, young Skywalker. All in due time.

(Cuts back to Aro and Jane)

**Aro:** I trust the psychotic bipolar arsonist one hundred percent.

**Jane:** _How?!_

**Aro:** She speaks Germish. **(Lol me and Miranda's inside joke)**

**Jane:** What does that have to do with anything?

**Aro:** It has everything to do with anything.

**Jane:** -blank stare-

**Aro:** See, this is why I wanted a divorce. You just don't get me.

**Jane:** I get you.

**Aro:** The square root of 43,000,000,000 is lime.

**Jane:** _Whaaaaaat?_

**Aro:** See what I mean? You just don't understand anything.

**Jane:** Whatevvs home skillet. I'm outta here. -leaves-

**Aro:** She trippin.

**Demetri:** -faraway- Did I just hear Aro use gangsta slang?

**Alec:** -faraway- Of course, you fool! Now, if you'll stop interrupting, I can follow through with my plan to take over the universe of harlequin mealworms by herding in my phalanx of moosebears and liverwurst bagels!

**Demetri:** -walks in room- The therapy isn't working.

**Aro:** So…what do we do now?

**Demetri: **How about a plot development?

**Aro:** Brilliant!

**Marcus:** Guess who's back?

**Aro:** Is he the plot development? If so, our plot developments SUCK!

**Marcus:** You suck!

**Aro:** Forks!

**Marcus:** Sporks!

**Aro:** Spoons!

**Marcus:** Knoons!

**Aro:** Knives!

**Marcus:** Spives!

**Caius:** -randomly walks in- -singing under his breath- _Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, BANANAPHONE!_

**Marcus:** Caius, my brother! Awesome to see you, dude!

**Caius:** Oh no you didn't just rip off Why I Let My Hair Grow Out!

**Aro, Demetri and Marcus:** -disbelieving look-

**Caius:** What? They don't have much reading material in Limbo.

**Aro:** So _that's_ where you were!

**Caius:** Le duh! Now if you'll excuse me ladies, I'm going to get a much needed pina colada.

**Aro:** Can we sing?

**Marcus:** We should sing!

**Aro: **_In the town where I was born…_

**Marcus:** _Lived a man who sailed to sea__…_

**Aro:** _And he told us of his life…_

**Marcus:** _In the land of submarines…_

**Aro:** _So we sail on to the sun…_

**Marcus:** _Till we found the sea of green…_

**Aro:** _And we lived beneath the waves…_

**Marcus:** _In our yellow submarine…_

**Caius:** WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE. WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE.

(This continues until they finally finish the song, much to everyone else's pleasure.)

**Aro:** So…what do we do now? We've done the clever plot development and the singing.

**Marcus:** Well…when in doubt…

**All 3:** Bug the Cullens!

(All poof to Cullen's house)

**Bella:** Happy is I that you have are come!

**Aro:** Happy also is we!

**Carlisle:** -walks out- What is this madness?

**Marcus:** Bella and Aro are having a telepathic conversation.

**Carlisle:** Is that normal…?

**Caius:** Oh yes! Lots!

**Carlisle:** Whatever. I'm too sane for this. -stalks off-

**Marcus:** Ouch! Rejection!

**Caius:** Rude much?

**Squirrel:** Shower much?

**Caius:** Hey! Where did you come from, anyway?

**Squirrel:** -shrugs- Jasper paid me six acorns to ask you that question.

**Caius:** I never liked him much.

**Alice:** No one does.

**Jasper:** Alice, my love! I thought we had something special!

**Alice:** Nah, I was just wasting time with you while I waited for Jacob, who I mindlessly despised until this fanfic was created. But now that Alexa and him aren't an item…

(Everyone stops everything they're doing. I even think the world actually stopped spinning…)

**Everyone:** THEY BROKE UP?!

**Alice:** Ummm….yes…..how am I the only one who knows this?

**Aro:** But…why? She loved him!

**Alice:** Nobody knows, really.

**Aro: **No duh.

**Alice:** Shut up! As I was saying, nobody knows, but it has something to do with a work of fiction called _Breaking Dawn,_ or something like that…**(A/N: Just to make it clear, I decided that things in this story will flow better if we pretend that Breaking Dawn never happened (and I wish it never did) although every once in a while I will make random references to it.)**

**Aro:** So, who's she with now?

**Alice:** No one, really.

**Aro:** Really? I thought she'd at least go out with Mr. Blue…

(Everything stops again)

**Everyone:** THERE'S SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN ALEXA AND MR. BLUE?!

**Aro:** Apparently everyone in this story is immensely dense. Haha, immensely dense…that's funny to say…

**Alice:** You were saying?

**Aro:** Oh! Right! Well, her and Mr. Blue have been having an affair and they're deeply in love, whether or not Alex had an affair with him too.

**Alice: **Well they couldn't get together because Mr. Blue was eaten by a whale. And he ain't no Jonah.

**Aro:** No! Now I have no therapist!

**Marcus:** Suck it up, Aro.

**Aro:** You know, Caius was always my favourite brother.

**Caius:** Awesome!

**Aro:** And mom and dad always liked me best!

**Marcus:** That's cold, Aro, even for you. You _know_ mom and dad didn't like me because I was a vampire first!

**Aro:** -in a daze- The truth hurts. That's why the people of earth are so painless.

**Everyone:** -silence-

**Caius:** Wow, Aro. That was deep, especially for you.

**Aro:** -comes out of daze- What? What did I say?

**Squirrel Army:** WE HAVE COME TO DESTROY THE SNICKURS BAHRS!

**Aro:** Wrong story, my literarily-challenged squirrel friends.

**Squirrel Army:** Well this sucks.

**VampNinjWa:** -comes out of nowhere- You know what really sucks?

**Squirrel Army:** What?

**VampNinjWa:** Well…..

(Cuts to White Room)

**Alexa:** Ooh cliffie!

**Skittles:** What do you think will happen?

**Alexa:** Who knows?

**Skittles:** Well this is boring. Let's be random instead!

**Alexa:** PIZZAZLE!

**Skittles:** Indescriminity!

**Alexa:** Foogoo!!

**Skittles:** THIS IS BECOMING A CATASTROPHE!

**Alexa:** Hey! Who let you listen to Forever the Sickest Kids?

**Skittles:** You did.

**Alexa:** I did! Well, what do you know.

**Skittles:** My theory exactly!

**Alexa:** Criminy! It's the Tories!

**Skittles:** TORIES?!

**Alexa:** Yep.

**Skittles:** Ha. Reminds me of tortoise.

**Alexa:** Porpoise!

**Both:** THE PORPOISE SONG!

**Skittles:** That's all we've got for today folks. Tune in next time for a more exciting episode.**Alexa:** Because we'll be in it.

**Skittles:** Damn right!

**Alexa:** Buhbyees!

**Skittles:** Tootles!

* * *

**Okay, so how was the chapter? Well, I'd love to stay and say something witty, but I promised my brother I would give him the computer, so I hope I'll update soon! If you review it'll encourage me to write! -hint hint-**

**Lots and Lots of Love,**

**The One Who Makes Up All This Crap For You,**

**Alexa -hearts-**

**PEACE OUT!!**


	16. Wow, I Can't Believe There's 16 Chapters

**I is back, with another wonderful chapter!! Okay, well, lotsa stuff is going on in my life right now. Bad Karma is number one on the list, apparently. Well, for starters, my iPod is evil and enjoys freezing simply for the purpose of making me mad. Also, I'm worried about Alex (yes, Alex, I didn't complain but I **_**am**_** worried and there's nothing anyone can do about that) and I've gotten to thinking recently about certain things Miranda has confided in me, and after prolonged contemplation I am really starting to understand all the little things about her that bugs everyone and yes, I do pity her for all the terrible things she's been through. Let's see, what else…I have to move, apparently, and I LOATHE moving. It's one of the worst possible things that can happen to a person. Not because we'll be moving out of town, because we won't. It's more because I love everything about this house and at this point it feels like anywhere else I go just won't be home. It's the perfect house, I have a perfect room, it in the perfect location (I mean, I hate this most of all: I'll be moving away from Jill!! -sobs-), and well, I just love everything about this house and I don't want to move ever. Unfortunately, the house is beginning to cost too much for my family to afford, so we need to go somewhere that we can afford. Oh, and when we move, we'll be giving Kitty away to my grandma!! I LOVE Kitty!! I don't want to give her away!! And just a bunch of other stuff that makes me all GRRR and also upset. Like my humanity. That REALLY sucks.**

**Random Dedication of the week goes to: City of Bones (for making me want to jump up and down and throw things at people's heads at the same time), the song Indie RnR by The Killers (awesome song. Also Bleed American and Sweetness by Jimmy Eat World and Puttin' On The Ritz by Shiny Toy Guns), and Fergus, my leprechaun fiancé.**

**Disclaimer - **Twilight has become an abomination (only because of the book that does not exist and is not worth mention. Twilight itself remains a masterpiece, as do New Moon and Eclipse and Midnight Sun if it ever gets published), and I have rules against owning abominations. Therefore, I do not own it. Problem solved, right? But I do, however, own Aro, and will flaunt this to everyone. I own, you don't, haha. ALL HAIL THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF ARO THE AROTASTIC!!

* * *

**Chapter 16: Wow, I Can't Believe There's 16 Chapters…**

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Guess who's back!**Tara:** Let me guess….umm, _you?_

**Mr. Kittywhale:** How'd you know?

**Tara:** -rolls eyes-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Okay, I have excellent news! They decided that Jeff wasn't well enough to release yet, so Tara's going to be filling in for the next few chapters!

**Tara:** Yeah, The Wicked Truth was getting too boring for me. This is _so_ much more interesting.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah…anyway, on with the show!

(Cuts to Aro, with a very bored expression, sitting in an armchair, while Caius and Marcus argue nearby and Alec attempts a sudoku puzzle (with Dimitri bending over him and fixing it every few seconds). Every seems to be on the verge of re-death by boredom.)

**Skittles:** -walks in, pulling Alexa after her-

**Aro:** Where the heck have you two been?!

**Skittles:** Around….-giggles-

**Alexa:** Jeez, Aro, get a grip. She's fine. We just tried our hand at hosting a television show.

**Aro:** Oh. How did that go?

**Skittles:** Splendidly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I promised Fluffy I'd teach him to juggle. -poofs-

**Aro:** Who's Fluffy?

**Alexa:** The rabid tortoise.

**Aro:** Ahhh…..

**Alexa:** Yeah. So, what did we miss?

**Aro:** Let's see…Jane returned, Dimitri randomly appeared again, Marcus came back as a plot development, we sang, went to bug the Cullens, Alice hooked up with Jacob, Mr. Blue was eaten by a whale, and VampNinjWa had some bad news for us.

**Alexa:** Which was…?

**Aro:** He told us he was going to explode in seven seconds, then exploded six seconds later.

**Alexa:** Ahh. I thought he would.

**Aro:** Yeah. So now VampJillybean's off mourning him somewhere. Shouldn't you be sad as well?

**Alexa:** Nah. He'll be back.

**Aro:** How do you know this?

**Alexa:** Because we're going to WONDERLAND!!

**Everyone Else:** -runs downstairs- WONDERLAND?!

**Alexa:** Yes! -poofs everyone-

**Aro:** Why are we falling?

**Alexa:** I wanted to do it traditionally.

**Aro:** I see.

(They finally hit a pile of leaves, which would have softened the fall, if not for the five other people that landed on top of them.)

**White Rabbit:** I'm late, I'm late, for a very important - oh no. Not you again.

**Aro:** Hello Mr. Rabbit!!

**White Rabbit:** Hello. Look, I'd love to stay and chat, but I really am rather late. -runs away-

**Aro: **What a curious fellow.

**Alec: **So…why are we here again?

**Skittles:** We needed a clever way to express our insanity without being locked up somewhere. Like Jeff.

**Dimitri:** Who's Jeff?

**Skittles:** No one…

**Marcus:** What's that? -points to tree with smiling purple cat-

**Alexa:** CHESHIRE CAT!! -squeals and runs to tree-

**Cheshire Cat:** Are you mad?

**Alexa:** Am I mad? Of course. Aren't you?

**Cheshire Cat:** We're all mad here.

**Alexa:** Sweetness!! Let's be random!!

**Marcus:** I bet I can be randomer than Aro!

**Aro:** Can not!

**Marcus:** Can too!

**Aro:** I like strudel!

**Marcus:** Noodle!

**Aro:** Doodle!

**Caius:** Rabbits!

**Marcus:** And donkeys!

**Skittles:** And goats!

**All:** Goats?

**Aro:** Moats!

**Marcus:** Floats!

**Dimitri:** Alec?

**Aro:** No, silly, Alec doesn't rhyme with floats!

**Dimitri:** I know. I was just wondering why he's in the toaster.

**Alexa:** Is warm in there, no?

**Alec:** Yes!

**Alexa:** Yes no or yes yes?

**Alec:** Yes no yes yes!

**Alexa:** Oui oui!

**Alec:** Sacre bleu! It's the TORIES!!

**All:** TORIES?!

**Alexa:** Ahh, they're fruit noodles anyway. It doesn't matter.

**Skittles:** Oodles of noodles and poodles!

**Al****ec:** Still in toaster!

**Alexa:** That's nice dear.

**Alec:** Don't call me dear. Makes me sound like a four year old.

**Dimitri:** You always sound like a four year old anyway, with all the whining you do.

**Alexa:** Oooh! You've just been ZINGed!

**Alec:** Shut up poodle!

**Alexa:** Actually I prefer the Almighty Rock Goddess Of Masterful Poodledom.

**Alec:** Whatevvs home skillet.

**Alexa:** Biscuit Hitler!

**Alec:** Oh My Goshness! HILTER BISCUITS?!

**Alexa:** Heck yes!

**Alec:** Okay, you're now my best friend.

**Alexa:** Seriously?!

**Alec:** No duh. I'm ALWAYS serious.

**All:** Right….

**Alec:** ANYhow, me and my Bestest friend must depart as we have best friendish stuff to do and whatnot. -links arms with Alexa and poofs-

**Skittles:** Did that really just happen?

**Marcus: **Surprisingly, yes.

**Aro:** Actually, I wasn't that surprised.

**All:** -stares-

**Aro:** Dance party!! **(A/N: Do they EVER stop dancing?!)**

**Everyone:** -dances-

**Alexa:** -returns with Alec- WE HAVE RETURNED!!

**Dimitri:** I see that.

**Alexa:** Well, no, technically you don't.

**Alec:** Because we haven't really returned.

-Silence-

**Alexa:** We're just an OPTICAL ILLUSION!!

**Alec:** WOOH!

**Alexa:** TADA!!

**Aro:** That's nice.

**Alexa:** Potatoes!

**Caius:** What?

**Alexa:** I'm eating them.

**Caius:** No you aren't.

**Alexa:** Actually yes, I am. You just can't see them because they're INVISIBLE POTATOES.

**Caius:** Really?

**Alexa:** Yes really. Like the invisible tuxedo you're wearing.

**Caius:** This tuxedo isn't invisible.

**Alexa:** That's what you think.

**Aro:** If we're in Wonderland, why haven't we run into any whimsical characters yet?

**Alexa:** Because they're all doing something much more important. But if it's whimsical characters you want, I'll give you a whimsical character!

**Alex:** -falls out of vortex in the sky- HUZZAH! I HAVE ARRIVED!

**Marcus:** What…is _that?_

**Alexa:** That, my dear Marcus, is an Alex. A very rare creature you are unlikely to run into ever again.

**Marcus:** If it's so rare, can I eat it now?

**Alexa:** No.

**Alex:** So, what did you need me for?

**Alexa:** Aro wanted whimsical.

**Alex:** I thought you had that covered?

**Alexa:** No, I cover randomness, seriousness, all-knowingness, smugness, sarcasm, and deadpan on a regular basis, but I only cover whimsical on alternate Thursdays.

**Alex:** Ahhh.

**Alexa:** Yes.

**Aro:** When I said whimsical, I didn't quite mean _that._

**Alex:** Why do they all refer to me as a thing?

**Alexa:** Because in their minds, you're too filthy to be considered a person.

**Alex:** _Why?!_

**Alexa:** Because you're human.

**Alex:** And what are you?

**Alexa:** I'm human and I'm super, and that makes me SUPERHUMAN so I totally own everyone else.

**Alex:** Whatevs. I'm leaving. -poofs-

**Skittles:** Well that was interesting.

**Aro:** Yep.

**Cheshire Cat:** I feel neglected.

**Alec:** Cats feel neglect?

**Cheshire Cat:** You know, you vampires are all the same. You never stop to wonder whether the rest of us have feelings.

**Alec:** Who cares? We eat the rest of you!

**Cheshire Cat:** True…-disappears-

**Alec: **Whatevvs. This place is crazy. Can we leave.

**Alexa:** -poofs everyone back-

**Aro:** Thank the Lord.

**Alexa:** It wasn't _that_ bad…was it?

**All:** -stares-

**Alexa:** Don't look at me like you know me! Cuz you don't! I'm just an OPTICAL ILLUSION…-fades away-

**Skittles:** Aro?

**Aro:** Yes?

**Skittles:** Why did you pick her to be my godmother?

**Aro:** Well…

(Fades to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Oooooh, cliffie!

**Tara:** Betcha didn't see that one coming, did you?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Well, tune in next week when somebody finally answers Skittles' question and more random stuff happens!

**Tara:** Because you know it will.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** -turns to Tara- You know, I never really liked you.

**Tara:** So?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I could fire you.

**Tara:** No you couldn't.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Why not?

**Tara:** Because I'm a twentieth-century enchantress. I could turn you into a pile of guacamole or…a woman.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Well, I am already pink… **(A/N: It's true. He's pink.)**

**Tara:** And besides, you couldn't fire me anyway because I'm just an OPTICAL ILLUSION…-fades away-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Why do all my co-hosts disappear?! Oh well. I'm leaving. Bye.

* * *

**So, wutcha think? It took me a while to do this, even if it does seem short to all you other peoples. I got around two pages done and then did another three today, so now it's all done and I can post it and hear from my wonderful readers! Or, if you don't review, my Purple Box Warriors will hunt you down and turn you into one of those hand-held things at the grocery store that you wave over the barcode and it makes that weird "BEEP" noise and then it checks the price and adds it to your receipt. I hear it's not fun being one of those things.**

**Lots of Love and Oodles of Poodles,**

**Alexa -hearts-**


	17. Part One: Awkward Turtle

**Another chapter, you ask? Why yes, I answer. Of COURSE another chapter! What do you think this is - strip poker? Oooooooh I'm getting inspiration here. That WOULD be interesting…ANYwho, I has returned with BUNCHLOADS more happiness than last chapter!! Jealous, I know. Well, a bunch of stuff that happened lately sucked supremely. Like, it was all this HUGE tidal wave of bad news and me feeling like I should suffocate myself. Not fun. But some things, like my weekend with Heather and Miranda and my Thanksgiving (Oh, Happy T day to all you Canadians out there!) and now being able to go to Muskoka (which is on Friday - EEP!) were AWESOME!! (Oh, for those of you who are interested, I gave up on trying not to use the word "awesome". It's pretty much inevitable. I WILL use it ALL THE TIME, whether I want to or not.) Me and mah besties, Miranda and Heather, went to the outlet mall and spent like five hours there. And Heather took the picture of that random guy in the coffee shop (he was doing some work on the computer and he didn't notice us and Heather apparently thought he was hot (even though he was WAY too old for her - like, I'd say mid-twenties) so she took a pic of him with her digital camera. It was random), and then the skateboarding guy, and then STEFAN (my GOD, that kid probably needs therapy now. Poor Stefan), and the EVIDENCE, and Joey, and GAHHH it was lots a fun. I loves my Heather and Miranda. And then Monday I went apple picking and climbed up Metcalf Rock, otherwise known as Mitchell's Rock, which I apparently pushed Kolapore off of (DON'T ASK), which was SUPER fun and I'm like the best mountain climber in the history of mountain climbers. Be jealous.**

**ANYway, anything else interesting…well, I'm betaing for bibliocrazed!! That's news, and good news too! She's read most of my stories, and she's a constant reviewer, and I read a couple of her stories too (Ignorance and Dusk and Sorrow) and so she asked me to beta Ignorance and Sorrow for her, so that's what I'll be doing now. Because I'm a good person.**

**NEWAYS, ON TO CHAPTER 17!! (HOLY CRAP!! IS THAT SERIOUSLY WHAT CHAPTER I'M AT?!)**

**Random Dedication: I dedicate THIS chapter to the coffee shop guy, the skateboarding guy, STEFAN, Andrew's go-cart (which is at the McGill's farm…don't ask), and my poor dead iPod headphones. The burial will be sometime after Muskoka so that I have time enough to grieve before seeing them in such a terrible condition. But now I have my awesometastic pink headphones. Which make me feel deaf. But ANYways…**

**Disclaimer - **In the last chapter I forgot to mention that all references to OPTICAL ILLUSIONs are property of Unforgotten Realms (new episodes every Thursday! Lol, sorry, I had to say that. I sound like an advertisement.). Oh, and I DON'T own Twilight and I am GLAD because Aro is SOOO much better. Plus, I have fans that DON'T want to whack me over the head with a shovel, then drag me to the Rockies, climb to the top, secure a GIANT PAPER SHREDDER (Lol Alex, I thought Steph should have the same fate as Farid, Cate, Resa and Fenoogle (as you call him)(I still don't get why I have to hate Farid, Resa and Fenoogle, but whatevvs)) at the bottom, then revive me and push me off to my doom in the paper shredder at the bottom. Oh, and then light the paper shredder on fire. Yeah. So HAHA STEPH, PEOPLE LOVE ME MORE THAN YOU!! Or at least Alex does…I HOPE.

* * *

**Chapter 17: Awkward Turtle**

**Random Narrator: **Let's see…where were we? Ahh, yes. Last time, on The Amazing Adventures Of Aro the Arotastic…

**Mr. Kittywhale:** WOAH-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah…woah. Hold on a sec. That's _my_ job you're stealing.

**Random Narrator:** But-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** SHUT IT!! I SAID LEAVE!!

**Random Narrator:** Technically you never said-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I'll have my co-host turn you into a toilet.

**Random Narrator:** -runs away-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Ahh. That's better.

**Tara:** -faraway- Can I make my grand entrance now?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah sure go for it.

**Tara:** -walks in-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** _That_ was your grand entrance?

**Tara:** You betcha.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** -face palm-

**Tara:** On with the show!

(Cuts to Skittles holding a Barbie doll upside down over a fire.)

**Skittles:** Aww, look! Her hair is singeing!

**Marcus:** LEAVE HER ALONE!

**Skittles:** Why do you even _have_ one of these anyway?

**Marcus:** The Ninja Turtles needed mates.

**Skittles:** That is sick in so many ways, I won't even count.

**Aro:** I will! One, Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello are TURTLES.

**Alexa:** Which makes the whole situation very awkward turtle.

**Aro:** There was irony in what you just said.

**Alexa:** So much irony I could DROWN in it.

**Aro:** ANYway, moving on…there's also the fact that turtles don't have the same anatomy as humans.

**Alexa:** So mating most likely wouldn't be possible.

**Marcus:** But they're MUTANT Ninja Turtles!

**Aro:** OH! Well, that changes everything then. Carry on.

**Skittles:** -shrugs and lowers Barbie farther into fire-

**Marcus:** Stop! What will the children think?!

**Skittles:** One, did you just use a British accent? And two, I AM the children!

**Marcus:** Oh. Right. Well, then, proceed while I continue to cry for mercy and vocally express my extreme displeasure at the entire situation.

(Meanwhile, in a different area of the Volturi abode…)

**Alec:** Does mustard gas even smell like mustard?

**Alexa:** If it does, that must be some pretty powerful-smelling mustard, to be able to burn people's lungs.

**Dimitri:** -face palm-

**Aro:** What IS a zucchini, anyway?

**Alexa:** It's kinda like a cucumber except it doesn't taste as good raw but it tastes better fried.

**Aro:** Ahh, I see.

**Alec:** Hey, did you know that the pickle guy from Veggie Tales isn't really a pickle? He's a zucchini!!

**Alexa and Aro:** OHMYGOSH NOWAY NOWAY!!

**Dimitri:** Someone help me, _please._

**Aro:** What ever do you need help with, my dear Dimitri?

**Dimitri:** I need SILENCE.

**Aro:** Oooh! I can help with that!

**Everyone:** -gives Aro weird look-

**Aro:** What? I'm entitled to the occasional idea every now and then.

**Alec:** Whatevvs. What's your genius plan, Aro?

**Aro:** A CRUISE TO MEXICO!!

(Three days later, boarding the ship…)

**Alec:** I'm scared.

**Dimitri:** Why? It's just a boat.

**Alec:** Yeah, but it's a BIG boat.

**My Uncle Bryan:** IT'S NOT A FEKKIN BOAT! IT'S A SHIP! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS! -poofs away-

**Alexa:** Love you too, Uncle Bryan!!

**Aro:** I'm kind of having second thoughts about this.

**Jane: **I didn't know you could think at all.

**Aro:** Well, you've got a po- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

**Jane:** I'm with my fiancée, The Bull.

**Alexa:** You mean my ex husband?

**Alex:** That was on our trip to Micronesia, right? Crazy times, crazy times.

**Alexa:** First of all, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE? And second, ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY LAND OF MICRONESIA!! Those were the good old days, my friend. Before I met Aro as a desperately needed plot development.

**Alex:** Well, I didn't have much recognition for last chapter or episode or whatever, so I came back!

**Aro:** Oh. It's YOU again.

**Alex:** Why does everyone hate me here?!

**Alexa: **Don't worry. They hate me too. So do some of the readers or viewers or whatever. And the Ninja Turtles.

**Marcus:** YOU ALLOWED YOUR GODDAUGHTER TO MELT LEONARDO'S MATE!!

**Alexa and Aro:** Awkward turtle.

**Boat Guy:** All passengers board ship…

**Aro:** Well, this should be an interesting vacation. Dimitri should be pleased to be home alone though.

(Back with Dimitri…)

**Dimitri:** Finally, silence. I can relax now.

**Mr. Blue:** Boo.

**Dimitri:** Shouldn't you be dead?

**Mr. Blue:** Not really. My death was just a convenient plot development. Just like my resurrection.

**Dimitri:** Damn plot developments!

**Mr. Blue:** You're about to get mauled by a giant flamingo.

**Giant Flamingo:** Yeah, what he said. -mauls Dimitri-

(On the ship, two days later…)

**Aro:** -singing- Vinegar chips, vinegar chips, I love to eat vinegar chips, you can never go wrong with vinegar chips because vinegar's not a fruit!

**Alec:** Okay…that was odd.

**Aro:** You're one to talk, bleach man.

**Alec:** That was ONE time!

**Aro:** Whatevvs home skillet.

**Alexa:** Biscuit Hitler!

**Alexa and Alec:** HITLER BISCUITS!!

**Alex:** So THIS is why I left…

**Aro:** Well you can't leave now! You're tapped on the ship forever! -cackles-

**Alexa:** Only I may cackle.

**Aro:** Sorry darling.

**Skittles:** I think the dog got into the pina colada.

**Alec:** Dog? Where?

**Aro: **LUNCHTIME!! -swallows drunk dog whole-

**Skittles:** But that was MY dog…-tear tear-

**Aro:** Oh, I'm so sorry love. If it makes you feel any better, I think they have a penguin show by the pool in a few minutes.

**Skittles:** PENGUINS?! -takes off running-

**Marcus:** Now that the child is gone, let us play poker!

**Caius:** But I wanna play _strip_ poker!

**Aro:** Not until the touchy-feely-nasty comment chapter.

**Caius:** Which is when…?

**Aro:** NEXT CHAPTER!

**All:** HUZZAH!!

**Alexa: **Wait. We have a problem.

**Aro:** What?

**Alexa:** We don't know how to play poker.

**Aro:** Oh.

**Marcus:** Can we play Go-Fish instead?

**Alexa:** EWWW FLASHBACKS!!

**Marcus:** Of what?

**Alexa:** I cannot relay that information if our rating is to remain T, which it probably should, considering one of the MAIN CHARACTERS is a child!

**Aro:** So…we're learning how to play poker for next chapter, then?

**Alexa:** Right.

**Aro:** Okay! Hmmm…I wonder what Dimitri is doing…

(Back at the Volturi household…)

**Dimitri:** HOW THE FEK DID THE SCORPIONS GET IN?!

**Mr. Blue:** I think they're after the plum pudding.

**Dimitri:** I told you to throw that out after the Nutcracker Suite with the kangaroos and the morbid horses!

**Mr. Blue:** I thought we could use it to fill the piñata-

**Dimitri:** Never mind that now! There are SCORPIONS attacking us!

**Mr. Blue:** It's okay, they don't go for the eyes. They prefer to climb up your chest and puncture internal organs.

**Dimitri:** Oh. Okay, well, then, that shouldn't be a problem for me.

**Mr. Blue: **What about me?!

**Dimitri: **You're on your own, dude. -leaves-

(And day six on the Mexico Cruise…)

**Aro:** -runs into room- -searches desperately for next victim - I mean _friend_- ALEC!!

**Alec:** -sighs- What do you want now?

**Aro:** I JUST DISCOVERED THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER!

**Alec:** What?

**Aro:** THEY MAKE PLATES OUT OF STYROFOAM NOW AS WELL AS PORCELAIN!!

**Alec:** Yes, Aro. Very good.

**Aro:** Isn't it? So, what's everybody else doing?

**Alec:** Alexa's trying to restrain Skittles from eating any of the animals from the aquatics show, Marcus and Caius found a bar and are drinking their fill of margaritas and rum, Alex is desperately searching for an escape from the utility closet you locker her in -

**Aro:** -cackles-

**Alec:** And I'm trying to figure out why we went along with yet another of your so called "genius plans".

**Aro:** Simple. Because I'm Arotastic.

**Alec:** What _is_ Arotastic, anyway?

**Aro:** I dunno. Ask the author.

**Alec:** Yeah…ANYway, as long as we're going along with your screwed up plans, what're we gonna do now?

**Aro:** Well…-insert cliffie here-

(Fades to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So, how do you like me now?

**Tara:** Not very much.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You know, if it wasn't for the fact that if I kicked you off we'd have to bring Jeff back, you'd already be gone. I hate you.

**Tara:** Go sit on a tack!

**Chorus of Random Peeps:** OUCH!

* * *

**YAY FOR A LONGER CHAPTER! It would have been EXTRA long, but my brother's kicking me off the computer so he can use it, even though he can do whatever the heck he's trying to do on my parent****s' laptop, but I can't write on the laptop cuz my mom doesn't want me saving any documents or anything on there. Basically he's being a meanie.**

**ANYwho, a few things I'd like to address about the story (GASPS, you mean this A/N actually has a POINT?! Well, yes. It does.).One: It's very strange at the moment. It's a lot more serious now than it was in the beginning, but also in the beginning it was all just a random jumble that didn't make any sense. Last chapter was a little randomer than most, though…that was my fave chapter EVER. Wait - no. My favourite chapter was when Aro was pregnant, a.k.a. the ****SA2MACD…but ANYways…not important…**

**Two: Alec is only partially sane at the moment, but I promise he will eventually make a full recovery… I hope.**

**Three: I will try to make updates come more often, but losta stuff has been going on lately. This is a special chapter dedicated to my absence as I will be leaving on my four day field trip to Muskoka. Losta fun that will be. Yoda's twin is I.**

**ANYwho, I must go now because my deadline is up -sighs- but I will be back later with the second part of the magnificent chapter.**

**Losta Love,**

**Alexa -hearts-**


	18. Part Two: HT&MWMC

**GUESS WHO'S BACK?! Muskoka was AMAZING. Best trip I've had in my entire life. I would go back in a heartbeat. I had so much fun there and did so much more than I could have possibly imagined. I'll never forget Muskoka. I don't think anyone will.**

**Upon embarking on my Muskoka trip, I have since discovered that I am now EXTREMELY hyper and random and I don't give a crap who cares, so if this chapter scares you, blame Muskoka. But I love it. I'm addicted now.**

**Random Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to everything involving Muskoka Woods and all the fun we had there, to conquering fears, to strengthening the bonds of friendship, to the songs "Awesome God" and "In The Ayer" for being the Sacred Heart embodiment of Muskoka, to Jordan (who Miranda is going to marry and who loves Twilight), and to my hair for being browner but blonder than browner (if that makes any sense…oh well, it does to me).**

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen, Part Two: Hostile Takeovers and Mexican Wal-Mart Civilians**

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Welcome back to The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic!

**Tara:** And Friends!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** What?

**Tara:** We were getting complaints from CERTAIN characters -coughcoughAlexaandSkittlescoughcough- that the show should be referred to as The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic AND FRIENDS because the show would be nothing if it was JUST Aro.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** But wouldn't it be a complete waste of time to change the title after eighteen episodes?

**Tara:** Hey, I didn't say it was a GOOD idea, I just said that the characters were complaining.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Okay…so why don't we just leave it as it is?

**Tara:** Why, my dear sir, I do believe that is the most splendid notion you have come up with yet!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** …What?

**Tara:** That means _yes_, you dolt. -mumbles- Jeez, you can't even convert to speaking in an older dialect for _one minute_ without giving _somebody_ a migraine.

(Cuts to Aro mid-sentence. Basically where the cliffie was inserted last chapter.)

**Aro:** …I was thinking we could perform a hostile takeover of the entire ship!

**Alec:** And this would benefit us _how_?

**Aro:** We'll be Genius Boat Masters and everyone will love us.

**Alec:** Don't they already love us?

**Aro:** They love _me._ You, my friend, are another story.

**Alec:** How could anyone _not_ like me? I'm _Alec Volturi_, for crying out loud!

**Aro:** You see? _That's_ why they don't like you.

**Alec:** Huh?

**Aro:** Oh, you heard me. Anyway, we have to go get Alexa now.

**Alec:** But WHY?!

**Aro:** Because with the three of us together, we will be Triple A Genius Boat Masters, which is even BETTER than being plain old Genius Boat Masters!

**Alec:** Okay then…

(Ten minutes later…)

**Alexa:** What was really so important that you had to interrupt me from trying to push Jane down the well?

**Alec:** There's a well on the boat?

**Alexa:** Of COURSE there is, you fool.

**Aro:** ANYway, the reason I so rudely interrupted you - although as soon as we're done PLEASE feel free to continue pushing Jane down the well - is because Alec and I are planning a hostile takeover of the boat, and you are going to join us.

**Alexa:** AWESOME! Then we can be Triple A Genius Boat Masters!

**Aro:** You see, Alec? THIS is why I keep her around. She gets me.

**Author, Somewhere In The General Direction Of The Ceiling:** -snickers- You have _no_ idea, my good man.

**Alec:** Who said that?

**Aro:** Relax, my dear Alec. It was just the voice of the author coming from somewhere in the general direction of the ceiling.

**Alec:** I'll pretend that's normal, because with you, it actually _is._

**Aro:** Indefinitely! Now, time to concoct a plan!

(Fifteen minutes later, in the Drawing Room (a.k.a. the utility closet that Alex WASN'T locked in)…)

**Aro:** But I don't understand. WHY can't we go with Mission Impossible?

**Alec:** Because THAT, my friend, would be unintended copyright. We could get sued.

**Aro:** I've been alive for thousands of years. I THINK I should have accumulated enough money to afford being sued once.

**Alec:** Yes, but that's the thing. You can afford to be sued ONCE. How many times have you been sued, Aro?

**Aro:** …a lot.

**Alec:** Exactly. So THAT is why we can NOT go with Mission Impossible as the operation name.

**Aro:** Then what the hell are we SUPPOSED to name it?!

**Alec:** …OPERATION HITLER BISCUITS!

**Alexa:** Damn straight!

**Aro:** No.

**Alec:** -sigh-

**Alexa:** How about Operation Make Aro, Alexa And Alec Triple A Genius Boat Masters?

**Aro:** Too wordy. -sigh- I wish Dimitri was here. HE would know what to do.

**Alec:** I wonder what he's doing…

(Back at the Volturi abode (that's the second time I've referred to it as that, isn't it?)…)

**Dimitri:** So then I said to him, I said, "Marve…why is there a grasshopper on your head?" and he says, "It was always hopping up on grass, so I decided I would rescue it from a doomed fate." So I then said to him, "So why put it on your head?" and he says, "I wanted a hair cut."

**Mr. Blue:** Hahaha, haha, ha…that was SO not funny.

**Dimitri:** -shrugs- I try.

**Alex:** Hello, all.

**Dimitri:** I thought you were on the cruise?

**Alex:** I ESCAPED.

**Dimitri:** -shrugs- Fine by me.

**Mr. Blue:** OHMYGOSH, DIMITRI!!!

**Dimitri:** -sighs- Yes, Mr. Blue?

**Mr. Blue:** WE AREN'T AS RANDOM AS WE WERE IN PART ONE!

**Dimitri:** We'll just make more of an effort next time.

**Mr. Blue:** Okay.

(And back in the Drawing Room…)

**Aro:** So we're all agreed on Operation AAA?

**Alexa:** Why don't we just call it Triple A? Less syllables.

**Aro:** FINE. And as for codenames, I'm Purple Flamingo.

**Alec:** Repetition of previous chapters, much?

**Alexa:** I'm Creative Insanity **(A/N: The IRONY….)**

**Alec:** I'm Alleysee

**Aro:** Okay…WHY?

**Alec:** Because that's what I think when I spell my name.

**Alexa:** Yeah…

**Aro:** Let us commence with Operation Triple A!

(Ten minutes later…)

**-Spy Music-**

**Alexa: **-chanting- I am sneaking, I am sneaking, I am sneaking…

**Alec:** Actually, no. You aren't.

**Alexa:** Yes I am.

**Aro:** How do you know?

**Alexa:** I has sneaking shoes.

**Aro:** SILENCE!

**Alexa and Alec:** -silent-

(The three sneak into the control room, where the current Boat Masters are sitting at a table playing Go Fish)

**Alexa:** MY EYES! THEY BURN!!

**Aro:** -pounces on Boat Master One and eats face- -image of face being eaten is blacked out-

**Alec:** -does the same to Boat Master Two- -image blacked out-

**Alexa:** -takes miniature vacuum and disposes of cards-

**Aro:** Now we are Triple A Genius Boat Masters!

**All Three:** HUZZAH!

**Alexa:** So that was a pointless waste of three pages.

**Aro:** Indeed. So, what should we do now?

**Alec:** I dunno. I wonder what everyone else is doing?

(Somewhere else on the boat…)

**Caius:** I like rum.

**Marcus:** I like it more!

**Caius:** Do not!

**Marcus:** Do too!

**Caius:** Prove it.

**Marcus:** -takes pants off and douses everyone with rum-

**Caius:** -takes pants off, then leotard underneath, then douses everyone with rum, all while singing Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville"-

(Somewhere ELSE on the boat…)

**Jane:** Hello child.

**Skittles:** Hello Jane.

**Jane:** What are you doing?

**Skittles:** Going to get my camera so I can take pictures of Caius dousing everyone with rum and singing Margaritaville, PANTLESS.

(Back to the Triple A Genius Boat Masters…)

**Aro:** This boat is SOOOO slow.

**Uncle Bryan:** It's a SHIP! -poofs away-

**Alexa:** LOVE YOUS!!

**Alec:** If the -cough- SHIP is going too slow, make it go FASTER.

**Aro:** Well THERE'S a novel idea. Why didn't I think of that before?

**Alexa:** Dimitri would have thought of it -sobs-

**Aro:** Why do we keep making indiscreet references to Dimitri purely for the purpose of having something clever to do with the plot?

**Author, Somewhere In The General Direction Of The Wall To Your Right:** Because I need PLOT DEVELOPMENTS, you fool!

**Alec:** Okay, WHO WAS THAT?!

**Aro:** Relax, my darling Alec. It was just the voice of the author coming from the general direction of the wall to your right.

**Alec:** Okay -chillaxes-

**Alexa:** If you two will cease your quarrelling-

**Alec:** -snickers- Quarrelling?

**Alexa:** SILENCE. As I was saying, if you two will stop, can we PLEASE enjoy the random flashback-ish thing where we get to see what the hell Dimitri is doing while we're doing slightly less interesting things?

**Aro:** Of COURSE, my love.

(Back at what will now be referred to as Castle Volturi, even though it is not a castle at all, but screw that…)

**Mr. Blue:** -bursts through door- Is there anywhere here I can hide a body?

**Dimitri:** Aro's lingerie drawer.

**Mr. Blue:** Wha…never mind. TO THE LINGERIE DRAWER! -dashes up stairs-

**Alex:** -comes running by- THERE'S A BUTTERFLY IN MY HAIR! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!! **(A/N: Sorry Alex, I couldn't resist. That was just SO funny!! And Jess says we aren't interesting…PFFT!)**

**Dimitri:** -starts singing about badgers-

**Mr. Blue:** MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM!

**Alex:** -butterfly still in hair- Why are we singing the Badger Song?

**VampJillybean:** Did someone say Badger Song?

**All:** -gaspness-

(And in a large desert in South-western Australia…)

**Iguana 1:** Doesn't it ever strike you as odd that nobody ever talks about Australian iguanas in their fanfics?

**Iguana 2:** I had just been thinking the exact same thing myself!

**Komodo Dragon:** -eats Iguanas 1 and 2-

(And in a Mexican Wal-Mart…)

**Aro:** Attention, Mexican Wal-Mart civilians! This is a hostile takeover!

**Mexican Wal-Mart Civilian:** So?

**Aro:** I thought it would be courteous to inform you.

**Alexa:** NOW FOR HOSTILE TAKEOVERING!

**Triple A Genius Boat Masters:** -begin screaming like banshees and running amuck in the aisles of the Mexican Wal-Mart-

**Aro:** I am Bumble, I am Bumble, HEAR ME ROAR! If you know me and you see me HEAR ME ROAR! **(A/N: Yeah…don't ask.)**

**Pudding:** I LOVE YOU BUMBLE!

**Aro:** I don't need the feeble love of puddings.

**Pudding:** But I love you…-sobs then dies-

**Alexa:** -is standing on top of shelf- I AM TIGER, YOU ARE BUMBLE, HEAR US ROAR!

**Aro:** ROAR!

**Alexa:** IF YOU KNOW US AND YOU SEE US HEAR US ROAR!

**Aro:** ROAR!

**Alexa:** TO THE CATMOBILE! -jumps off shelf then runs away to go find her other randomness friends, who are in the pimped out Evil Lair in Australia with Tom **(A/N: I LOVE YOU THOMAS!!)**-

**Aro:** And there goes Alexa, in yet another random array of underlying messages and inside jokes that none of us can begin to understand.

**Alec:** Ummm…I wonder what Dimitri is doing…? -desperately clings to the hope of a random plot development-

(And back with Dimitri…)

**VampJillybean:** YO!

**Dimitri:** HO!

**Mr. Blue:** YO!

**Alex:** HO!

**All:** A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!

**Dimitri:** What did you do with the Cleverly Disguised Snicker Doodles of Impending Doom?

**Alex:** I shoved them in the glove department of the Intricately Disguised Vehicle of Utmost Importance.

**Mr. Blue:** Was that before or after VampJillybean ate the Slightly Important Rabid Turtle of Undisguised Innuendo?

**Alex:** After, I think.

**VampJillybean:** Now I'm rabid! And I coat everything I say with very suggestive underlying messages!

**Alex:** Yeah…what have you been smoking, Jilly?

**VampJillybean:** YOUR MOM!

**All:** -awkward silence-

**VampJillybean:** Yeah…that was NOT RIGHT…

**Alex:** Awkward turtle!

**Dimitri:** Why is the turtle awkward?

**Alex:** Because the Fanta Pop demons stole all his underpants.

**Dimitri:** That explains it.

(And back in Mexico…)

**Aro:** Skittles, my darling! What have you been up to while I've been…uh…sleeping.

**Skittles:** But vampires don't sleep-

**Aro:** Just answer the damn question.

**Skittles:** I ate one of the American tourists.

**Aro:** Why?

**Skittles:** He looked at me funny.

**Aro:** Ahhh.

**Skittles:** And he took my chocolate…so I took it back. **(A/N: Haha lol…inside joke with me, Miranda and Jill…)**

**Aro:** Never steal a woman's chocolate. I learned that the hard way. Last time I stole chocolate from Jane she spray painted me blue and locked me in a closet with eleven of my most rabid fangirls.

**Alec:** You have fangirls?

**Aro:** You're not the only sexy one around here, you know.

**Alec:** Well…

**Aro:** Are we done the chapter yet?

**Author, From Somewhere In The General Direction of the Ground:** I was getting to that.

**Alec:** WHO THE FUCK KEEPS TALKING?!

**Aro:** Chillax. It was just the voice of the author coming from the general direction of the ground.

**Alec:** That's getting really old REALLY fast.

**Aro:** Sorry…

(Fades to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Part 3 and Aro, Alec, Alexa and Skittles' return to Italy will all be in the next episode!

**Tara:** So if you actually have enough patience to wait for the author to ACTUALLY finish a chapter on her planned schedule…

**Author, From The General Direction of Limbo:** Hey!

**Tara:** You've really gotta stop doing random voiceovers while people are in the middle of a conversation.

**A****uthor, From The Same General Direction:** And you've really gotta stop being a hyper, drugged-up magic fanatic who spends all her time being all-knowing and gaining random powers every freaking chapter!

**Tara:** Touché.

**Gustaff:** **(A/N: You remember Gustaff? I missed him -sighs-)** Since the hosts are currently bickering with the author, I suppose I'll have to do it. Well, bye, folks.

**Tara:** Toodles!

**Author, Same General Direction:** Buhbyee my loves!

* * *

**So…yeah. That chapter was WAY random. But I was confused over what to do, and I figured I was probably due for my "Back From Muskoka" chapter, so I just wrote what came to me. Although the Wal-Mart thing was just copyright from my other story (Alex, you know what I'm talking about -cackles-)…that actually happened in the other story. The thing with the pudding, I mean. It was like, "I love you Alexa!" and I was like "I don't need pudding love" and I kept running and then escaped in the Catmobile to my evil lair in Australia. Yeah…It's a LONG story…fourteen and a half chapters, actually…you'd have to read it to understand. Well, not really. I WROTE it, and I don't even understand. I just wanted a story of my very own. Actually, truth be told, Aro is a remake of MY story, just with Aro and the Volturi members (and the Cullens, minus the demon spawn who does not exist) instead of me and my friends and random people I make up and marry. Except with my story, it's mostly stuff having to do with books I've read and MSN inside jokes between me and Alex. LIKE THE MICRONESIAN BOY! And the Bull (who is Jane's fiancée)!! And teller 8! And the Lemon Parade and Lemon Club! (Eww, get your mind out of the gutters. We meant lemon as in the FRUIT. We have a flag and a song and everything. Flag courtesy of Jill, song courtesy of me (I still have it saved on here…I'll just have to find it…)) ANYway, that was my long and pointless story.**

**Ooooh, here's the Lemon Song:**

Stop! Lemon Time!

Oh……..

Lemons, Lemons, Lemons!

Get your lemons here!

There is no price on lemons,

So buyer do not fear.

They may be small,

They may be fat,

They make good lemonade!

Get some tasty lemons for the Lemon Club Parade!!

Hey!

**Yeah…I had an ice capp at the time…you all can understand what I was going through. On the bright side, for those of you who are sick minded, you can use this song to fit the OTHER definition of lemons! (The FF one, I mean).**

**ANYway…I should probably leave you to go attempt to restore what precious little brain cells you now have after reading that…**

**Losta Love,**

**Alexa -hearts-**

**PS - SEVEN PAGES!**


	19. Part Three: That's What She Said

**I am so very, very sorry that I have kept you waiting. Schedule is hectic this time of year. I had a play that I was in, plus toms of homework and tests, plus I had to go see Twilight (which was AWESOME in my opinion, and I'm trying to make my internet work so I can watch it again but tis not going so well), plus it's freaking Christmas, plus I spent all last weekend at my friend Jill's and we went to a concert (it was a symphony concert, not anything interesting. It was called Russian Romance and for some odd reason it makes me think of James Bond), plus I had to go to my friends' Confirmation (fancy Catholic thing-a-ma-jigg. I actually have no idea what it's about. Something or other about the Holy Spirit.) and Alex's party. So, as you can see, I was busy. But I've finally gotten around to writing this chapter, and I hope you will like it.**

**Oh, and since I didn't have a chapter earlier to say it, I made a website for Aro. It's nothing special and it's really not that good, but if you have free time and you feel like it, feel free to check it out. It's creativexinsanity . webs . com (no spaces).  
****  
Disclaimer:** I'll admit, I don't own Twilight. But I DO own something from the Twilight movie! Remember however many chapters back, when it was declared that I own Pepsi? And ever since then I've been making nondescript comments in everyday life about how I own it? Well, did anyone happen to notice a certain brand of diet soda sitting at the Cullens' table in the cafeteria? Okay, so maybe I was the only one other than Alex (who pointed it out in the movie guide when she bought it and we were looking at it in Chapters) to notice it, but I OWN SOMETHING IN TWILIGHT and you're all SO jealous. And it's funny, because only you people actually understand. Consider yourselves special.  
So yeah, the point is, I don't own Twilight, but I SO own Pepsi. And not Donald Trump. Like my brother used to think.

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen, Part Three: That's What She Said…IN MY PANTS! WOOH!**

**Rabid Gopher With Dyslexia: **-runs in and eats obscenity of title-

**Chapter Seventeen, Part Three: That's What She Said**

**Tara: **Welcome back to the show!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Yeah. It's great.

**Tara:** He's just being a sourpuss cuz Jeff's coming back soon so I can go back to being a crucial and annoying character in MY story.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Did you just say sour_puss_?

**Tara:** -rolls eyes- As I have forgotten to mention prior to this episode, the author has been thinking recently-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Which is quite uncommon for her, as you may know.

**Author, Hiding In Corner Of White Room With Knees Pulled Up To Chest And **_**Vampire Academy**_** Balanced On Top:** -doesn't look up from book- I heard that.

**Tara:** Of course you did, darling. ANYway, the author realized that, though rated T, this story was harmless and completely innocent to those of a younger disposition.

**Author:** -still not looking up- So, instead of waiting for Tara to finish her long and unnecessary explanation, I'll get to the point: It was way too innocent for the dirty sea that my mind inhabits, so I'm adding nasty comments just to see - and yes, I DO see you - the sensitive, less mature (in THAT way) people blush and stammer. It's entertaining.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Well. That was very honest and outright.

**Author:** -shrugs- Now hush. I'm re-reading the scene where Rose and Dimitri do us all a favor and GET A FREAKING ROOM….even if it WAS only because of Vicky.

**Tara:** Yeah…well, enjoy the show!

(Cuts to everyone in the front hall of Castle Volturi)

**Aro:** Okay, what the Hell happened here?

**Mr. Blue:** VampNinjWa and VampJillybean came back from God-knows-where and decided it was right time they consummated their marriage…if you know what I mean.

**Skittles:** Ummm….I don't.

**Author, Randomly Appearing In Scene:** -takes Skittles and shoves in soundproof closet-

**Aro:** MY CHILD!

**Author, Still In Scene:** Due to the inappropriate and downright…well, dirty…scenes and conversations featured in this chapter, we have to hide the little one until further notice. –disappears-

**Aro:** Well. That was awfully rude.

**Dimitri:** YOUR MOM was awfully rude!

**Aro:** Whatever do you mean? My mom died so long ago I don't even know her name.

**Mr. Blue:** Dimitri's time alone has given him temporary brain damage. He's very, very ill now.

**Alexa:** So now the only sane person left has left the safety of ignorance and run straight to the loony bin.

**Mr. Blue: **Precisely.

**Jane: **What do you mean, "the only sane person left"?

**Alexa:** You lost your liability to be sane when you got engaged to a bull. Who also happens to be my ex husband.

**MetaPandaAlex (Note: this was changed by me just recently, and I won't get into explaining it now. I'll explain in the A/N at the end):** And he tried to kill the Micronesian Boy.

**Alexa:** Le GASP! You would hurt my poor Fernando?!

**VampJillybean:** THAT'S his name?

**Alexa:** Of course.

**VampJillybean:** It's a little strange, don't you think?

**Marcus:** That's what she said!

**Aro:** I think that was a diss to yourself, brother dearest.

**Dimitri:** YOUR MOM dissed herself!

**Caius:** Mom did what to herself?

**Giant Whale:** -comes from the sky and falls on Dimitri-

**VampNinjWa:** It's a whale.

**Dimitri:** -muffled- YOUR MOM'S a whale!

**VampNinjWa:** My mom was eaten.

**Dimitri:** Yeah. By the Eskimos. They eat whales, you know.

**VampNinjWa:** Whatevvs, home skillet.

**Alexa:** BISCUIT HITLER!

**Alec:** HITLER BISCUITS!

**VampNinjWa:** How long have they been doing that?

**Aro:** I think since the Wonderland chapter, but I'm not sure. It's all a blur to me.

**Marcus:** Too much crack and tequila does that to ya, you know. I've _tried_ to make you listen…

**Aro:** You're just mad because I told everyone about the time when you were thirteen and I caught you molesting Caius's puppy.

**Caius:** MY PUPPY!!

**Marcus:** I was lonely.

**Aro:** You could've just found a cheap prostitute. No need to go sexually abusing innocent animals.

**Caius:** THAT'S why mom and dad had him put down?

**Aro:** -in a soothing voice- He was just a small little puppy, Caius, and Marcus was a terribly fat little boy. He couldn't handle the weight. Or the nightmares.

**Marcus:** I have the strangest feeling someone's insulting me…

**Aro:** And what's more, if you're gonna become an animal pedophile, you should at least have the decency not to screw a _dog. _Cats have much more stamina.

**Alexa:** And how would YOU know, my dear Aro?

**Aro:** -awkward silence- The Discovery Channel. I'm fascinated by documentaries. I'm attempting to use them to take over the world.

**Alexa:** And how's that going for you?

**Aro:** Much worse than I thought it would. Who knew animals were so difficult to brainwash…

**Alexa:** You'll never accomplish it, anyway.

**Aro:** Oh really now? And why is that?

**Alexa:** Because Mikayla rules the world, and that's how it will always be.

**Aro:** And how do you know this?

**Alexa:** The fruitcake told me.

**Dimitri:** YOUR MOM'S A FRUITCAKE!

**Alexa:** YOUR MOM'S A WHORISH PROSTITUTE WHO MOLESTS MAGAZINES WITH GEORGE CLOONEY IN THEM!

**Dimitri:** He IS the sexiest man alive…

**Alexa:** And besides, you're just jealous because you aren't really ripped, really tall, really sexy and really Russian like the guy you stole your name from **(A/N: Just finished Vampire Academy and I LOVED it! Dimitri is REALLY FUCKING SEXY! You HAVE to read it! And I feel sorry for Mason and Christian and I love them both. AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO DIE!! And I SO did not see the thing coming with Natalie. And Lissa creeps me out. And Victor is a sneaky bastard. And Dimitri's really sweet and sexy and awesome and RUSSIAN! And I rambling again…sorry. READ IT!)**

**Marcus:** I think for next chapter we should temporarily banish all the non-Twilight characters. Just because we know it'll piss them off.

**Caius:** I second that!

**Alexa:** YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE!

**Aro:** -sly grin- That's what she said.

**Jane:** That's what WHO said?

**Aro:** Hey, you can't go off on me for having a relationship when we're DIVORCED and you're ENGAGED to someone else's ex husband!

**Jane:** I'm not going off on you. I'm slightly jealous.

**Aro:** Oh really now?

**Jane:** Yes, Aro, now shut up while I imagine you without any pants on.

**Aro:** Well…that's interesting…

**Caius:** That's what she said?

**Marcus:** -shakes head silently-

**Aro:** -mouths NO-

**Caius:** -sighs- I'll never be good at this, will I?

**Dimitri:** YOUR MOM WILL NEVER BE GOOD AT IT!

**Caius:** What are you saying about my mother?

**Dimitri:** That she wasn't good.

**Caius:** Don't talk about Mom like that!

**Dimitri:** What? I mean, I guess she was okay, but I've had better.

**Everyone:** _Sure_ you have…

(Cuts to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Well…that was interesting.

**Tara:** You said it. Now, since the author is a terrible procrastinatress…

**Author, Sitting In Corner And Wishing She Had Frostbite:** True dat!

**Tara:** Anyway, the next episode will be delayed probably until after or during the holidays.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever the heck religious holiday you celebrate!

**Tara:** See you most likely sometime in the new year!

* * *

**All right peoples! So, how was it? Was it horribly, terribly awful, or will you survive?**

**Anywho, I apologize yet again for all the waiting I've caused. Every time I get on the computer, I have a million and eight things to do. I've gotta read updates, and talk to people, and sometimes beta, and then fit in writing somewhere. I'm sure most of you are familiar with this schedule and can sympathize. Plus I'm also working on finishing something for FictionPress that I've been working on for a few months now, and I'm writing something else as well. And all of that on top of the three fanfics I have is a pretty heavy workload.**

**So anyway, my New Year's Resolution is to try to update more often, and I'll really, really try. I promise.**

**A brief note on MetaPandaAlex: I was speaking with Alex and she didn't want to be the boring human anymore, so I had originally made her VampPandaAlex in a bout of randomness I had that involved me stealing a tuba so I could shove the cat who ate my cousin John in it because he ate John before I could get a good whack at him. But then Alex was complaining that she didn't want to be a vampire, but I didn't want to make her a were-panda either, because that would be strange, so I just randomly decided to make her a MetaPanda. Don't ask what it is, because I don't really know.**

**ANYwho, in a little while (hopefully) part one of my story for FictionPress (which is called Reclusion, by the way, after the song by Anberlin) will be edited and re-edited and posted. So, if you have time, I would really appreciate it if you read it. If you're interested, that is. It's a story about this girl named Ariana (who shortens her name to Aria) who gets turned into a vampire and has to cope with a crazy obsessive vampire stalker that she secretly loves, a missing vampire love, and a mysteriously compelling human. It's dreadfully confusing and fairly short (It'll probably only end up being thirty-someodd pages on Microsoft Word (that's the entire thing, not part one)), but I enjoy writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it. It's a lot different than Twilight though, just to warn you. More…trying to find an appropriate word…dark, I suppose, though that doesn't fit well. And serious. It's very different from anything I've read, but who knows. You may have read something similar. Anyway, the story will be called Reclusion and my account on FP is CreativeInsanityStrikesAgain.**

**Just a random note before I leave you alone: If you're looking for a good fanfic, the best ones are If Every Word I Said Could Make You Laugh by carmelinagunn (I have officially decided I love it more than Twilight. I really do. THAT'S how obsessed with it I am. I LOVE CHAPTER 38! Drunk Jasper is by best friend! –sigh- I love it in an obsessive and borderline inappropriate way), When We Were Young by Fall Down Again Bella (It's AMAZINGLY sweet and you can't stop AWWWing through the entire thing! And it made me cry more than once, and I'm not a very emotional person. Sometimes.), and anything by InsaneGrizzlies (Yes I did just give you a shout-out! I beta for her, and she's an arotastic Writrice. Really.), and if you want to laugh your head off at never-ending randomness then read Pens and Sharpies by pleasebiteme, and (if you've read A Great and Terrible Beauty, cuz that's all she writes) read EVERYTHING by LunaEquus because she is just amazing. And I think I'm done bugging you right now.**

**Happy Reading and Merry Holidays!**

**Lots and Lotsa Love,**

**Alexa –hearts-**


	20. Important News and Preview No Chapter

**Very, VERY sorry this isn't a chapter. You hate me, I know. It's just the way I am. But I just wanted to wish everyone happy holidays and explain that I have given myself a deadline for the next chapter and if it isn't out by that time, I have to spend two whole days off the computer and spend all my time finishing the chapter on paper.**

**This will, inevitably, be grievous torture for me, so I'll probably have a new chapter soon. I think I'll set dates for chapters from now on to ensure that I actually update. So be expecting a more organized and frequent update schedule.**

**Therefore, the date I have set that the chapter must be written and/or posted is ****December 26****th****.**** That should give me plenty of time to update. I'll have the next two days of uninterrupted writing time (at least until Aaron gets home and starts eating and dirtying dishes and then my mom makes me load/unload the dishwasher), plus I'll probably hide in the sun room with the laptop the whole time we have people over on Christmas Day, so I should have lots of opportunities to write a new chapter.**

**Oh, and as a random side note, if you read my blog on the website (which is, again, creativexinsanity . webs . com) you'll have some idea of what the next chapter will be like.**

**Actually, I think I'll start writing now. Hold on. –leaves for unknown amount of time-**

**-is about to start writing, then has to go help mother with something-**

**-comes back from helping mother for about thirty minutes then pops up document-**

**-stops writing briefly-**

**Okay, I have about two pages now, but I'm trying to make it long. Also, as proof that I'm actually writing, I leave you with this:**

**Alec:** What is it with you people and seeing naked men?

**Caius:** They have noodles and the ladies don't.

**Alec:** Yes, because that makes it okay for a male to look at naked men.

**Marcus:** Stop being such a sourpuss.

**Aro:** Sour PUSS?!

**Bella:** I knew it.

**Emmett:** -strolls in singing something having to do with Newalta and a plant named Robert-

**Bella:** EMMETT, GUESS WHAT!!

**Emmett:** Whaaaat?

**Bella:** Alec's a female.

**Emmett:** Of course. Everyone knows that.

**Marcus:** Wait. If Alec's a woman, why isn't he more interested in the porno?

**Aro:** He doesn't swing that way, if you know what I mean. And don't say porno.

**Alec:** I used to like men…but then I met your mom.

**Dimitri:** -comes out of nowhere- OHHH DISS!!

**Emmett:** Nice.

**So that's an excerpt from the next arotasticly fantasmic chapter of The Amazing Adventures Of Aro The Arotastic. Until then, Merry Holidays!**

**A Lotta Lotta Lotta Love,**

**Alexa –hearts and brownies-**

**PS – This A/N will not be deleted after because it just causes problems with people.**

**PPS – Extra brownie to Alex, Juliann and Miranda (because if Miranda, by some miracle, decides to read this A/N and realizes that I didn't give her a brownie, she'll…well, actually, she'd probably be relieved. She finds the brownie thing awkward. So, in that case, TWO extra brownies for Miranda!)**


	21. OCless and Still Have Pants On

Top of Form

**Okay, for starters, I put the last chapter as seventeen, and – oh. Never mind. It's supposed to be 17.**

**I'm going to spare you the super long A/N, and just say that this is chapter 18 and I hope you enjoy.**

**Dedications: This chapter is dedicated to You're Gonna Go Far Kid and Womanizer for being awesome songs, Richelle Mead for writing the Vampire Academy series (even though I'm mad about Mason –sobs- and Dimitri –sobs slightly less vigorously for some unknown reason-) and for creating the amazing hotness that is Adrian (who I'm going to marry cuz he's awesome and has the bestest last name ever and Rose isn't bothering with him) and the exactness that is Dimitri (-swoons at sexy Russianness-), Alex for volunteering to beta Reclusion for me (GO BETA NOW!) and for just plain being awesome, and Robert Plant for being the lead singer of Led Zeppelin (which I like to share with everyone) and having the last name "Plant".**

**Disclaimer – **I don't own Twilight, and I'm sorta glad cuz it's kinda getting old now. It was awesome when we were the only people to know about it, but now that the new generation Twilighters are around and uber obsessive and relating everything in the book to the movie, it's not as great as it once was. But that's fine, cuz I've always known that Pellinor was better and will always be better. And I still have that and MR and aGaTB and tMI and VA and all those other amazingtastic books I read AND IEWIS Land (which is SO better than Twilight). So I'm good.  
Oh, and the whole "anonymous hate club" thing isn't mine either. It belongs to **InsaneGrizzlies**, my amazingtastically arotastic FF buddy. Just for future reference.

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: OC-less and Still Have Pants On –Sigh-**

**Chelsea: **Hello Aro fans!

**Heidi:** Yeah. Hi.

**Chelsea:** So, since this chapter is OC-less, the regular hosts couldn't be in it and The Writrice asked us to step in since we are important Volturi members and she kept forgetting we existed.

**Heidi:** Nice.

**Chelsea:** So, instead of saying something random and slightly witty like the normal hosts would do, we're just gonna go straight to the episode.

(Cuts to OC-less Castle Volturi)

**Aro:** So that's what happens when you put rabbits in the carburetor.

**Caius:** Slushie?

**Marcus:** That's pretty much what the man said.

**Caius:** AWESOME.

**Aro:** I know, right?? ANYhoodles-

**Caius:** NOODLES?!

**Aro:** No, my friend. Hoodles.

**Caius:** Why not noodles?

**Aro:** If you want noodles, go buy a porn magazine intended for women and let me get back to my point.

**Caius:** NOODLES! –runs off to buy cheap porn-

**Marcus:** Mom always did say he was the gifted child.

**Aro:** Mom also thought you would one day be gay.

**Marcus:** Moi? A homosexual? Why, the very idea of it!

**Aro:** My point was that mom had an uncanny ability to predict the future.

**Marcus:** Yeah…hey!

**Alec:** -walks in just in time-

**Aro:** Alec, my darling! How are you?

**Alec:** I'm an uber sexy emo kid whose sister makes people hurt themselves. How do you think I am?

**Aro:** -ignores last statement- Uber sexy…?

**Marcus:** -also ignores- …Emo?

**Caius:** -runs in- I FOUND NOODLES!

**Aro:** Oh dear Lord.

**Marcus:** Oooh let me look!

**Aro:** Alec, let's you and I go somewhere…not here.

**Alec:** Sure. Whatevvs home skillet.

**Aro:** Sweet!

**Alec:** -sigh- No Hitler Biscuits today, I suppose.

**Aro:** -poofs himself and Alec to Cullen household-

**Bella:** Aro, my love!

**Aro:** Bella darling! However are you doing?

**Bella: **Well, my husband ran away to go chase the Ghostbusters and get an autograph, which makes me terribly lonely.

**Aro:** If you're REALLY lonely, you can borrow Caius's magazine.

**Bella:** What kind of – Ohhh. Okay.

**Caius:** -poofs in randomly- NOODLES!

**Bella:** LET ME SEE!

**Marcus:** ME TOO!

**Jasper:** -with squirrel army- I WANNA SEE TOO!

**Alec:** What is it with you people and seeing naked men?

**Caius:** They have noodles and the ladies don't.

**Alec:** Yes, because that makes it okay for a male to look at naked men.

**Marcus:** Stop being such a sourpuss.

**Aro:** Sour PUSS?!

**Bella:** I knew it.

**Emmett:** -strolls in singing something having to do with Newalta and a plant named Robert-

**Bella:** EMMETT, GUESS WHAT!!

**Emmett:** Whaaaat?

**Bella:** Alec's a female.

**Emmett:** Of course. Everyone knows that.

**Marcus:** Wait. If Alec's a woman, why isn't he more interested in the porno?

**Aro:** He doesn't swing that way, if you know what I mean. And don't say porno.

**Alec:** I used to like men…but then I met your mom.

**Dimitri:** -comes out of nowhere- OHHH DISS!!

**Emmett:** Nice.

**Edward:** -walks up to see everyone crowded around porno- Bella?

**Bella:** …yes?

**Edward:** Why are you looking at cheap male prostitutes? **(A/N: Just your average mistress with a penis…)** Am I not sexy enough for you?

**Bella:** Of course. –drools over Edward for a few- I was just so LONELY…

**Edward:** When I'm lonely I play Connect Four with the squirrel army.

**Bella:** Why didn't I think of that?

**Emmett:** You wouldn't have been able to even if you HAD thought of it because Jasper was busy being lonely with the squirrels. IF you know what I mean…

**Bella:** No, I- Ohhhh. I see. Ew.

**Jasper:** You weren't dumped by your girlfriend for a stinky dog, so don't even comment.

**Alice:** -bursts out of house with pink bathrobe on- Jazzy, my love!

**Jasper:** Back off, -insert expletive of your choice here-

**Alice:** But Jaz-

**Jasper:** I don't wanna hear it. –walks away-

**Alice:** Jasper! –runs after him and the two continue to bicker like a married couple-

**Bella:** We're still waiting for them to forget the whole "betrayal" thing and just get a room.

**Alec:** I would have, if I were Jasper.

**Bella:** We all know _you_ would.

**Alec:** Hey, watch it. I may be lez, but I'm not a _complete_ idiot. I know when people are making fun of me.

**Bella:** Of course you do. Which is why we're dying your hair blonde.

**Alec:** Why blonde?

**Bella:** Uhhh….more sex appeal.

**Emmett:** Sure…_that_'s why.

(Forty minutes later…)

**Alec:** I'm blonde now! Yesssss……

**Aro:** Wow. He looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid.

**Alec:** Aren't they those fat little dolls with the signatures of their molesters on their asses?

**Aro:** Yeah…

**Alec:** I always thought they were cute.

**Aro:** I always thought elephants were cute, but that doesn't mean I'd want to look like one.

**Alec:** Aren't they those big grey wrinkly things that remind me of my dead grandmother?

**Aro:** Yes.

**Alec:** But those aren't cute.

**Aro:** It's all opinion. I think elephants are cute, you don't. I think you're an idiot, you're too blonde now to care.

**Alec:** Whatevvs. Where are my biscuits?

**Aro:** Alexa's not here. No Hitler Biscuits today.

**Marcus:** That reminds me: how come the OCs are gone and I still have my pants on?

**Aro:** I don't know, but nobody wants to see you without pants, my brother.

**Bella:** What if _I_ don't wear pants?

**Aro:** That's fine.

**Bella:** -takes off pants-

**Edward:** Please excuse us, I have to go ravish my Bella.

**Bella:** Bye bye! –is lead away by Edward-

**Caius:** Oh, look how this all turned out. In the beginning we were just a strangely horde of mad men, and now we're perverts. What will the children think?

**Aro:** There are no children. Skittles is technically an OC.

**Caius:** Oh. So does that mean I get to go back to pervertedness?

**Aro:** Who ever said you left?

**Caius:** You know, sometimes I wonder what life would be like without you, Aro.

**Aro:** You'd be more of an idiot, seventy percent of the OCs wouldn't exist, Mom would still be alive, and there'd be considerably less margaritas in the world.

**Caius:** So it's a good thing you're here?

**Aro:** Of course. After all, what's life without my arotasticness?

**Caius:** Jamaica.

**Aro:** True dat.

**Marcus:** Hey, where'd the buffalo come from?

**Buffalo:** Your mom!

**Alec:** Would the buffalo count as an OC?

**Aro: **I don't think so. It technically doesn't have any character whatsoever. It doesn't even have personality. It's a buffalo.

**Dimitri:** Does that mean we can keep him?

**Marcus:** What do you intend to keep him for?

**Dimitri:** Your mom.

**Aro:** Oooh, walked right into that one, brother.

**Marcus:** How come everyone gets to be witty but me and Caius?

**Aro:** Because everyone else has more personality than you.

**Alec:** _Dead grass_ has more personality than you two.

**Marcus:** Did I just hear an insult from the transvestite?

**Aro:** You can't make fun of Alec for his transvestiteness. He's from Transylvania.

**Alec:** I'm a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. **(Hah, everyone loves a good Rocky Horror quote! Except Jill. But Jill's a loser, so it doesn't matter.)**

**Caius: **Is that copyright infringement?

**Aro:** If it was, I'd be sued by now.

**Caius:** I thought you were.

**Aro:** Not by The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

**Caius:** Well that makes sense.

**Buffalo:** Still here.

**Marcus:** So what would happen if the buffalo developed personality?

**Aro:** He'd go…away.

**Caius:** Where's "away"?

**Aro:** Life Incapacitation Manifested Brethren Organization.

**Everyone Else:** -silence-

**Aro:** -sigh- Limbo. They're in Limbo.

**Caius:** Oh.

**Buffalo:** Did you just make that up?

**Aro: **Silence, cow.

**Buffalo:** I'm a buffalo.

**Random Bolt Of Lightning:** -zaps Buffalo and he disappears-

**Dimitri:** No! Buffalo, my love!

**Marcus:** I thought "my mom" was your love?

**Dimitri:** Your mom's quick and easy. I need another way to pass the time.

**Aro:** Again, Marcus, walked right into that one.

**Caius:** Even _I'm_ not that stupid.

**Marcus:** Yes you are.

**Caius:** Okay, I am.

**Aro:** And that was proof.

**Marcus: **Why does no one ever make fun of Aro?

**Aro:** Because I'm arotastic.

**Caius:** Besides, Aro has a whole club devoted to hating him.

**Aro:** What club? Who's in it?

**Caius:** I dunno. It's anonymous. **(Haha, Juliann, you know what I'm referring to)**

**Aro: **Oh. Okay.

**Marcus:** Okay, then why don't we make fun of Alec?

**Alec:** Because everyone loves a girl who can quote Rocky Horror.

**Marcus:** I don't love you, I'm just passing the time.

**Alec:** You could love me if I knew how to lie.

**Aro:** But who could love me? I am out of my mind.

**Caius: **Throwing a line out to sea…

**Dimitri:** To see if I can catch a dream.

**Aro:** Well, if that's not copyright infringement, I don't know what is.

**Marcus:** No, really. Why don't we make fun of Alec?

**Aro:** -shrugs- He has great hair. People with great hair don't get made fun of.

**Caius:** So that's why we never poke fun at OCs?

**Aro:** Pretty much, yeah.

**LIMBO:** -spits out OCs-

**Marcus:** Shit, they're back.

**Skittles:** Watch your language around the children.

**Marcus:** I don't see any children.

**Skittles:** What about Caius?

**Marcus:** Point taken.

**Mr. Blue:** Great news, everyone! I can speak Russian now!

**Aro:** Really now?

**Mr. Blue:** Yes really! Plus I know how to cure Dimitri!

**Aro:** HOW?!

**Mr. Blue:** He has to make out with a buffalo.

**Buffalo:** Don't look at me.

**Alec:** We weren't. We were looking at Jane.

(Jane appeared about halfway through the buffalo protesting making out with Dimitri)

**Jane:** What about me?

**Dimitri:** -randomly makes out with Jane-

**Jane:** -doesn't struggle-

**Dimitri: **I'm cured!

**Jane:** If I get to have random men make out with me at unspecific times, I'll stay.

**Dimitri:** Well, I've always had a thing for buffalos.

**Jane:** What?

**Aro:** Never mind, Janey darling.

**Jane:** You know, part of the divorce was because you called me that. The other part was your fascination with the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz.

**Aro:** It was just a phase…

**Jane:** A phase that lasted twenty-seven years.

**Aro:** Yeah, well…you smell. Bad. Like goats.

**Marcus:** YOUR MOM SMELLS LIKE GOATS!

**Aro:** My mom is your mom.

**Caius:** You're really bad at that, you know. Almost as bad as me sometimes.

**Alec:** YOUR MOM was bad! She must have been getting tips from you.

**Aro:** See? _That_'s a diss.

**Alec:** What'd I say?

(Cuts to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So, since the OCs are back, I was reinstated as host.

**Heidi:** But I'm staying until Tara gets back. She's on a plane to England right now, I'd guess.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So, that's it for today, folks.

**Alexa:** WAIT!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I was wondering why she wasn't talking her head off at the end…

**Heidi:** What do you want, small person?

**Alexa:** First off, I'm not that small. Ask anyone. More preferably your father.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I think that was a diss, my friend.

**Alexa:** Secondly, I so own you. So shut your face.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah. Definitely a diss.

**Alexa:** And finally, I have only two words before I leave: BISCUIT. HITLER.

**Alec:** -distantly- BISCUIT HITLER!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **Wow. He heard you all the way from here.

**Heidi:** Whatever. Bye now!

* * *

**So, whaddya think? Yes or no? Hit or miss? I want to know your opinion.**

**So anyway, I had this plastic sniper, and when you pulled the trigger it made a buzzing noise and vibrated. It was sick. Then my brother stole it from me. And now I'm sad.**

**Yeah, so I think I overused the "Your mom" joke, but I always do. And usually to my brother. Except when I say it it's not as effective because we have the same mother and I'm a girl. But I say it anyway. I can do whatever I want. I'm going to be the co-ruler of the world one day. Plus I'm arotastic.**

**So ANYwho, my internet's gay and doesn't let me post stuff when I want to because it chooses the worst times to stop working. And I don't have the same documents on the downstairs computer, PLUS the internet's even worse on there. And Limewire doesn't work (-sobs-) on the computer downstairs. **

**Okay, so a list of things I don't own from this chapter: the cannon characters, Castle Volturi (I own the name, though), noodles (although some people seem to be under the impression I do because of a comment that was misinterpreted), Ghostbusters (but I love them and the 300ft Stay Puft Marshmallow Man), Newalta, Robert Plant (who is the lead singer of Led Zeppelin), the sex appeal of blondeness, Cabbage Patch Kids, elephants, Jamaica, buffalos (although I do own THE Buffalo), transvestiteness, Transylvania, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, limbo (but I do own the Life Incapacitation Manifested Brethren Organization, which is really Limbo, but my limbo is with a capital L and it turns purple when I go there. And Waldo is there.), the lyrics to She Had The World by Panic at the Disco (I got the Live In Chicago CD for Christmas and now I'm obsessed with it), and the flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz.**

**ANYwho, here's your chapter and sorry it wasn't out sooner today but the internet decided to not work as soon as I got on.**

**Lotsa Lotsa Love and a Muffin (the Orgasmic Brownie Machine is malfunctioning, but I should have it working by the next chapter. I'm gonna try hitting it with my sockhammer),**

**Alexa –hearts-**

**PS – Next chapter out December 30****th****, same day as the new chapter of NSN, which I hope will be out before the date because I already started on it. But you don't care about NSN, you want Aro. So, next chapter out in four days!!**


	22. Chapter Nineteen, I Guess

**Heyy peoples, sorry about the delay in postage. I kinda…well, I didn't know that December 30****th**** was actually Tuesday and not Wednesday, and then when it was Wednesday I had a bunch of company and my friend Alex over, and then when Alex left I had to update NSN first because I haven't updated since October, so yeah. And then I got grounded off the computer because my brother's a brat, and then I had a huge project to work on with Jill, so I've been kinda busy. But now I'm writing and that's all that needs to concern you.**

**So anyway, ON WITH THE CHAPTER!**

**Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to my best friend Tom Cruise and his Risky Business moment, Alex for realizing that yes, ten thousand nights is in fact over a year, my mom for buying me a camera and a maroon hoodie, and the Cullen Gruesome Imagery for being awesome and COMPLETELY MINE. No stealing. Or I'll hit you with my sockhammer. Speaking of which, my Orgasmic Brownie Machine is now working in full order after hitting it rather viciously with my sockhammer.**

**Disclaimer – **My disclaimers lost their originality about eleven chapters ago when I obtained possession of Pepsi. Now all I can say is that Pepsi owns Twilight, and I own Pepsi, so therefore I own Twilight. But, since the institutional fat cats will be on me unless I say I don't own it (well, if the fat cats are hot, I don't think I mind them being on me…), for the record, I don't own Twilight. Maybe. We'll see.

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen, I Think. Maybe. Probably. Possibly. Who Really Knows?**

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Welcome to another slightly annoying and yet strangely enjoyable episode of The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic!

**Tara:** I will be leaving shortly, much to everyone's chagrin.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Oh, yeah. We'll miss you _so_ much.

**Tara:** So, since nobody really pays attention to the commentary, let's get on with this!

(Cuts to Castle Volturi in all its glory)

**Aro:** I don't get why you think we need everything remodeled.

**Alec:** Aro, dude…it's pink.

**Aro:** And your point is…?

**Alec:** Nobody likes pink, because PINK IS FOR LITTLE GIRLS.

**Skittles:** I resent that.

**Aro:** So what colour should it be, then? Purple?

**Alec:** Hah, no. It should be a more manly colour. Like green or blue or something like that.

**Aro:** Of course, YOU would know about manly.

**Buffalo:** YOUR MOM knows about manly!

**Aro:** Who let the effing buffalo in again?!

**Buffalo:** I picked the lock.

**Aro:** No, I was talking about Jane.

**Jane:** That's starting to get old, you know.

**Aro:** It's not old so long as it amuses me.

**Alec:** Yeah, I find it kinda funny too…

**Jane:** You're my…sister, I suppose.

**Alec:** So? Nobody ever said I had to give a-

**Skittles:** LANGUAGE child in the room!

**Alec:** I was gonna say blue monkey's brain.

**Aro:** Those things give you AIDS, you know.

**Alec:** I'm a vampire. I don't get AIDS.

**Aro:** Right. Where did all the humans go?

**Jane:** None of them are human anymore.

**Aro:** Really now?

**Alec:** Well, Bella's a vampire, and Alex is a MetaPanda, and Alexa's part French.

**Aro:** That makes sense.  
**Alexa:** Do you have something about French people?

**Aro:** They're hairy and they all have poodles.

**Alexa:** That's a stereotype my girlish vampire friend. I am highly offended, as are the citizens of France.

**Aro:** I thought French people were from Paris…?

**Everyone Else:** -blank stares-

**Alec:** Yeah….so, what colour?

**Alexa:** Orange. It HAS to be orange.

**Alec:** Why?

**Alexa:** Just because.

**Aro:** I like orange. Orange is happy.

**Alexa:** I usually associate orange with a mixture of angst and prep.

**Alec:** That definitely suits the colour.  
(A short while of arguing later…)

**Aro:** You know what I hate?

**Alec:** What?

**Aro:** Canadians.

**Alexa:** You cut me real deep there, Aro.

**Aro:** But they're so…ODD. They're all like, "Maple syrup, eh? Play some hockey and visit our parliament, eh? Let's all go tobogganing, eh?" It gets old after a while.

**Alexa:** We don't say "eh" THAT much. I only say it, like, once a day.

**Aro:** But you still say it.

**Alexa:** So? I know more American people that say "eh" than I do Canadian. And we all hate snow and our political system. And I'm not too fond of hockey.

**Aro:** Well, that's cuz you're a freak Canadian.

**Alexa:** So normal Canadians HAVE to like hockey and the Prime Minister and snow?

**Aro:** Yes.

**Alexa:** Well I'm glad I'm not associated with any normal Canadians, because they seem pretty odd.

**Aro:** That's what I said!

**Alec:** Well, if Aro's donemaking up stereotypes about the Canadian race, can we get back to the renovation?

**Aro:** Can I keep the fuzzy tables?

**Alec:** They can't be pink.

**Aro:** Why?

**Alexa:** PINK IS FOR LITTLE GIRLS!

**Skittles:** But I don't like pink…

**Aro:** Don't tell me you like blue.

**Skittles:** No, I like violet. And maroon.

**Alexa:** She's her godmother's child.

**Aro: **What the hell kind of colour is maroon?

**Skittles:** The awesome kind.

**Aro:** I demand that the fuzzy tables be maroon and violet!

**Alec:** That doesn't really go with-

**Alexa:** Just go with it.

**Aro:** And I want blacklights over every table, and some swivel chairs, and a Ping-Pong table, and the walls have to be made of glass but have GIANT green curtains that we can pull down if we want…

**Alec:** Oh dear Lord.

**Skittles:** Whatever you do, don't let him anywhere near my room.

(A short time later…)

**Aro:** Why doesn't it sparkle?!

**Alec:** It's WATER. It can't sparkle.

**Aro:** What about sparkling water? Huh, smart one?

**Skittles:** Sparkling water doesn't actually sparkle you bloody stupid fool.

**Aro:** Then why would they call it "sparkling" water? Huh?

**Skittles:** Fine then, go buy some sparkling water and watch it not sparkle.

**Aro:** Ooh, Alec!!

**Alec:** -sigh- What now?

**Aro:** If a human drank a bottle of liquid sparkles, would their blood be all sparkly?

**Alec:** I don't know.

**Aro:** We should so try.

**Alexa:** Don't use me as a test subject.

**Aro:** We can't use you, you're French.

**Alexa:** I'm PART French by heritage. And I don't even believe that. There's no way I can be related to the people who call themselves my "family".

**Alec:** And why is that?

**Alexa:** They're so…._normal._ It's nauseating. So, on that hand, I am of my own race.

**Dimitri:** Your mom's of her own race!

**Alec:** Shut your face Dimitri or I'll shut it for you.

**Dimitri:** Them's fightin words, my small transvestite friend.

**Alec:** I am not small. I'm petite. There's a difference.

**Dimitri:** Whatevvs, home skillet.

**Alexa:** Biscuit Hitler!

**Alec:** Hitler Biscuits!!

**Aro:** I want silver lampshades for the lamps on the ceiling!

**Alec:** How can we put lampshades – or better yet, lamps – on the ceiling?

**Alexa:** Why would you go with silver? You should so have them red. Then they'll filter red light and it'll be uber awesome.

**Aro: **Really now?

**Alexa:** Yes, really.

**Aro:** Alec, I want the lampshades red.

**Alec:** How the hell do we get lampshades to stay up there anyway?

**Aro:** Duct tape. It's super adhesive.

**Alexa:** I LOVE duct tape!

**Aro:** I love Pat Benetaur.

**Alec:** Who's Pat Benetaur?

**Aro:** WHAT?! You don't know who Pat Benetaur is?!

**Alec:** No….

**Aro:** SPAWN OF LUCIFER, YOU ARE!

**Alexa:** You just HAD to say you didn't know her.

**Alec:** But I don't…

**Aro:** How can you not know who Pat Benetaur is?! You know, Heartbreaker, Love is a Battlefield, et cetera et cetera?

**Alec:** Sounds familiar, I guess…

**Aro:** Pff. Fine. I'm leaving. -storms out-

**Alexa:** While he's gone paint the chairs blue.

(Cuts to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:**And now it's time to bid adieu to our lovely co-host and –sigh- welcome back-

**Jeff:** I have returned! All hail Jeffery!

**Tara:** This is what you work with? Lordy, man, I pity you.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You better pity me. I'm very pitiable.

**Tara:** Anywho, I expect to be farewelled with fanfare. Fanfare me darlings!

**Fanfare:** -fanfares-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** And so now we say goodbye to Tara and hello once again to Jeff. However much we all wished he was gone for good, he's still here.

**Jeff:** In the flesh! With a toupee!!

**Tara:** Well, bye now.

* * *

**Yeah, so I'm very sorry you waited so long for something so short, but this chapter started off weird and it was hard to write. I'll try to make next chapter much longer, but for now this is all you've got, so enjoy it.**

**ANYwho, I have stuff to do now, so I can't stay and write another fanatic A/N. All I can say is that my iPod is done being stupid (for now) and I need more Puffs!**

**Lozza Love,**

**Alexa –hearts-**


	23. Sneak Peek At Arotasticness To Come

Top of Form

**Alrighty, so, yes, this is not a full chapter. There WILL be a sneak peek in a moment, but we have some business to attend to first.**

**Okay, so, as I just recently realized, this story was published on May 25****th**** last year. Do you know what that means? The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic has been in publication for almost nine months now. That just blows my mind. (Hah, blows….sorry, folks. I just recently had to do a breathing test….and it took all of my self-control not to laugh.) I never imagined that I'd be able to keep a story going that long, and I couldn't even fathom the possibility that anyone besides me and Alex would ever like it. And yet, here we are! Going on to the 23****rd**** chapter and with all you guys supporting me every chapter. I just can't believe it.**

**So, in order to celebrate this epiphany of mine, I had an…idea, I suppose. When I though of it being around nine months, I thought of pregnancy. Aro of course already had a baby, so I couldn't do that. But I thought what if…what if all these months, Aro has been growing and growing and is preparing for the birth of a super chapter bigger than anything I've ever had before? And I'm thinking massive, people. The most pages I've ever had for a chapter was five, and that was including my massive A/Ns at the beginning and end. But this chapter…I'm not going to write the A/Ns until I know it's completely finished so that I don't compromise the actual size of the chapter, and it's going to be a minimum of ten pages. Personally, I'm opting for twelve, but we'll see what I can do. I'll let you all know the total page and word count for the chapter without the A/Ns.**

**So, what do you all think? I think you're all very deserving of something like this, just for being the amazing fans you are. Plus it's just really fun to write. So, I'm hoping to have the chapter out either before or on February 25****th**** (That's my grandma's birthday! She's sixty-someodd…I don't really know…no one ever tells me these things!).**

**Okay, so, anywho, here's a sneak peek at what the chapter will look like (this is really early on, just to let you know. I only have a couple pages right now).**

**Aro:** AH! WHO LET THE BUFFALO IN?!

**Jane:** That joke's three episodes old, Aro. You can build a bridge and get over yourself now.

**Aro:** No! I refuse to let you be a liability to the amusement of that comment!

**Jane:** Whatever. So, whatcha doing?

**Alec:** I'm helping Aro get ready for his date.

**Jane:** Aro has a date?

**Aro:** Don't sound so surprised. You're not the only one with a wicked sense of humour and luscious curves.

**Jane:** Where'd the "luscious curves" thing come from?

**Aro:** Well, there was a REASON I married you, you know.

**Jane:** Sure. Anyway, why are you helping him?

**Alec:** I know what women like.

**Aro:** Yeah, and it's not you.

**And then some more boring content….Sorry, I don't really have much right now. Well, Jeff and Mr. Kittywhale's opening commentary was pretty amusing. Here:**

**Jeff:** In this episode, you are quite likely to witness the birth of a new era.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Or you'll just get more nonsense than usual.

**Jeff:** True dat, mah brutha.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** -gasps- I'm not your brother!

**Jeff:** Then who are you?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Your darkest desire.

**Jeff:** Uhh…no. You're confusing yourself with Randy Jackson.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So you ARE a homosexual!

**Jeff:** You didn't know?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Jeff, do you desire me?

**Jeff:** I did briefly that day on the beach.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah….that was hot, wasn't it?

**Jeff:** You have no idea.

**Gustaff:** Yeah…I don't really think the audience wants to watch the two of you discuss Jeff's uncontrollable physical reactions for the next hour.

**Jeff:** Oh, right, sorry. I was fantasizing.

**So, whaddya think? Will it be an epic win or EPIC FAIL? I'm hoping for the win one. Although, if it IS an EPIC FAIL, I can just go around saying it all the time, and when Matt (ugh I hate him) accuses me of stealing his line I'll have a justifiable reason to say that, which would be that I am an EPIC FAILure. And besides, he stole that from Mr. Poloni anyway.**

**So, yeah, keep an eye out for the next chapter! It's going to be FATASTIC! (That's fantastic without the 'n', folks.)**

**Lots of Love and MORE BROWNIES!**

**Alexa –hearts-**


	24. Trouble in Paradise Volturi

**Here it is my darlings! I know you're all just itching to read, so all the blah that's usually at the beginning will be at the end now. All I want from you now is to enjoy the chapter –crosses fingers- and please, please, **_**pleeease**_** review. It would mean the world to me. Anywho, as I usually say, ON WITH THE CHAPTER!**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty: Trouble In Paradise Volturi**

**Jeff:** Welcome, one and all, to the amazing and slightly scarring nine-month celebration of…

**All:** THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF ARO THE AROTASTIC!

**Jeff:** In this episode, you are quite likely to witness the birth of a new era.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Or you'll just get more nonsense than usual.

**Jeff:** True dat, mah brutha.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** -gasps- I'm not your brother!

**Jeff:** Then who are you?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Your darkest desire.

**Jeff:** Uhh…no. You're confusing yourself with Randy Jackson.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So you ARE a homosexual!

**Jeff:** You didn't know?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Jeff, do you desire me?

**Jeff:** I did briefly that day on the beach.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah….that was hot, wasn't it?

**Jeff:** You have no idea.

**Gustaff:** Yeah…I don't really think the audience wants to watch the two of you discuss Jeff's uncontrollable physical reactions for the next hour.

**Jeff:** Oh, right, sorry. I was fantasizing. Anywho, enjoy the show!

(Cuts to Castle Volturi)

**Aro: **Do these jeans make my ass look big?

**Alec:** Yes. Yes they do.

**Aro: **So should I go with the cords?

**Alec:** Eww, no. Get some slacks.

**Aro:** I'm not really a "slacks" kind of person.

**Alec:** But they don't hug your curves like jeans and cords do.

**Aro: **Okay, I'll take them.

**Jane:** What are you guys doing?

**Aro:** AH! WHO LET THE BUFFALO IN?!

**Jane:** That joke's three chapters old, Aro. You can build a bridge and get over yourself now.

**Aro:** No! I refuse to let you be a liability to the amusement of that comment!

**Jane:** Whatever. So, whatcha doing?

**Alec:** I'm helping Aro get ready for his date.

**Jane:** Aro has a date?

**Aro:** Don't sound so surprised. You're not the only one with a wicked sense of humour and luscious curves.

**Jane:** Where'd the "luscious curves" thing come from?

**Aro:** Well, there was a REASON I married you, you know.

**Jane:** Sure. Anyway, why are you helping him?

**Alec:** I know what women like.

**Aro:** Yeah, and it's not you.

**Alec:** They just need to see what they're missing.

**Aro:** Of _course_ they do.

**Jane:** Stop being mean to him!

**Aro:** Last time I checked, you were pretty fond of my aggressive side.

**Jane:** Yeah…well…I…

**Aro:** Hah! You have no comeback! VICTORY IS MINE!

**Jane:** Did anyone ever tell you you're a jackass?

**Aro:** YOUR MOM'S a jackass!

**Jane:** My mom's dead.

**Aro:** Yeah…I guess she just couldn't handle me.

**Jane:** You're such a pig.

**Aro:** That's why I have so many followers. You aren't idolized in this century unless you're a witty, sick-minded fool who has lots and lots of money.

**Alec:** True dat.

**Aro:** And besides, pigs are a great source of protein.

**Jane:** Are you saying I should eat you?

**Aro:** JANE! I thought you didn't have those desires for me anymore!

**Jane:** Must you twist everything I say just to please yourself?

**Aro:** No. I have other ways of pleasing myself.

**Jane:** You see? THIS is why we divorced.

**Aro:** I thought that was because I was an irresponsible parent.

**Jane:** That too. By the way, where IS Skittles?

**Aro:** I dunno, must be downstairs or something.

(Meanwhile, in France…)

**Skittles:** Which one's the Arc de Triomphe?

**Alexa:** The big archy one.

**Skittles:** You mean the one that looks like a really big and pointless round doorway?

**Alexa:** Yeah.

**Skittles:** What's so great about it?

**Alexa:** "Triomphe" is spelled with an "e" at the end.

**Skittles:** THAT explains it!

**Random French Man:** Bienvenue à Paris. Comment appellez-vous? _(Welcome to Paris. What is your name?)_

**Skittles:** Je m'apelle Skittles. _(My name is Skittles)_

**Random French Man: **Skittles? C'est une bonne appelle! **(I don't know if "appelle" is feminine or masculine…so I made it feminine cuz that's what I reckon it SHOULD be.)**_(Skittles? That's a great name!)_

**Skittles:** Je sais, droit? _(I know, right?)_

**Random Homme Français: **Oui! –turns to Alexa- Et vous? _(Yes! –turns- And you?)_

**Alexa:** Je suis Alexa. **(I know that's incorrect, I did that on purpose. Just read.) **_(I am Alexa.)_

**Homme Français: **Don't you even understand proper verb usage?

**Alexa:** But I _am_ Alexa. It's not just my name, it's what I am. Ask anyone.

**Skittles:** Besides, aren't you supposed to be speaking French?

**French Man:** Nah, that's just a tourism gig. But since I know the two of you aren't tourists, I'm not concerned.

**Alexa:** Oh really?

**French Man: **Just tell me which mafia you're with.

**Skittles:** We're Volturi.

**French Man:** Is that Italian?

**Alexa:** It SOUNDS Italian.

**French Man:** And what does this "Volturi" do?

**Alexa:** We rule the world.

**French Man:** And how do you do this?

**Skittles:** We kidnapped Valentino.

**French Man:** I thought he died.

**Alexa:** No, he's only 76.

**French Man:** ONLY 76.

**Skittles:** Precisely.

**Alexa:** We're also in alliance with Chuck Norris. **(I'm so sorry, I had to have a Chuck Norris comment. They beckon to me…)**

(And back to the Volturi abode…)

**Aro:** Now they're going to bed, and my stomach is sick, and it's all in my head, but she's touching his-

**Dimitri:** Woah, dude.

**Aro:** CHEST, now, she takes off her dress-

**Dimitri:** Too much information, buddy.

**Aro:** NOW, letting me go…

**Dimitri:** Do you have a mental disorder?

**Aro:** How many freaking times have I told you not to interrupt Sunday Music Hour?

**Dimitri:** Enough for me to know you REALLY need to get help.

**Aro:** Dimitri, I will unleash Chelsea from her cage in the basement and sick her on you if I have to.

**Dimitri:** I have therapy anyway.

(At therapy…)

**Mr. Blue:** And how does this make you feel?

**Dimitri:** Neglected. He never listens to me or acknowledges my hard work. He's too focused on his precious daughter and ex-wife and transvestite ex-sister-in-law and ninja waffle and mutant jellybean and the crazy one with all the hair.

**Mr. Blue:** Have you ever voiced your heartache to him?

**Dimitri:** No. He's always too busy to pay me any mind.

**Mr. Blue:** Dimitri, you have a serious problem. If your own mob leader won't give you the time of day then you really need to resolve this issue.

**Dimitri:** And how do I do that?

**Mr. Blue:** Do something attention-worthy. Something so shocking and unexpected that no one will have any idea how to react except by paying you all their attention. Something drastic.

**Dimitri:** I'm not getting breast implants. Last time that happened I became a prostitute, which led to my transformation, thank you very much.

**Mr. Blue:** There are male prostitutes? WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?!

**Dimitri:** You sounded like Alexa for a minute there.

**Mr. Blue:** It's a habit. I also sometimes wake up with hair EXACTLY like Bill.

**Dimitri:** Who's Bill?

**Mr. Blue:** The unisex guy from Tokio Hotel.

(And back in Sunday Music Hour…)

**Aro:** And I'm smoother than words, you're smoother than curves girl, YEAH-AH-AH-AH…

**Alec:** I'm a sucker for lovers, for lovers.

**Aro:** I sing, you go research a sex change surgery.

**Alec:** Yes, Doctor.

**Aro:** Doctor what?

**Alec:** Doctor F, of course. –walks away-

**Aro:** Wait! Alec, darling! WHAT DOES THE "F" STAND FOR?!

**Jane:** Ask Janet.

**Aro:** Who's Janet?

**Jane:** Janet Weiss, of course.

**Aro:** WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

**Dimitri:** I'm back!

**Aro:** WHO ARE YOU?!

**Dimitri:** I'm a Transylvanian.

**Aro:** WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN?!

**Alexa:** It means we're severely ripping off Rocky Horror, obviously.

**Aro:** What's that?

**Alexa:** Just never mind, my friend. You are not, nor were you ever and will never be, part of the rave.

**Aro:** What's going on? What are you leaving me out of?! WHY ARE THERE TELEPHONES IN THE FISH TANK?!

**Dimitri:** Woah…chillax, man. It's just Worship Corporate America Day.

**Aro:** SINCE WHEN HAS THIS HOLIDAY BEEN OCCURING?

**Alec:** Since sixty seconds ago…

**Aro:** WHY AM I SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS?!

**Dimitri:** The Writrice – bless her soul – has Caps Lock on.

**Aro:** WHY DOES SHE DO THIS ONLY WHEN I AM SPEAKING?!

**Alexa:** Because you're hysteric. Hysteria is only entertaining when people are yelling, and Caps Lock creates the illusion of a louder volume than your "inside voice".

(Forty minutes later…)

**Aro:** I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A RANDOM PLOT DEVELOPMENT.

**Dimitri:** Aw, I DESPISE random plot developments.

**Aro:** WHAT'S THAT? THE UNIMPORTANT ONE IS SPEAKING? AND HE DISLIKES MY PLOT DEVELOPMENTS? YOU SEE, DIMITRI, THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU.

**Dimitri:** Would you like me better if I broke out in random song?

**Aro:** NOPE. YOU'RE COMPLETELY HOPELESS.

**Dimitri:** You know, I can't take this anymore, Aro. All you ever do is boss people around and make lewd suggestions and your stupid plot developments, all the while completely ignoring the little people that are the reason the Volturi even exists. You're completely ridiculous, Aro, and I hate you. I quit.

**Voiceover:** To be continued after a few annoying comments from the hosts…

(Cuts to White Room)

**Jeff:** Who saw that coming? I so did not see that coming. Mr. K, did you see that coming?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I saw your mom coming. OHH!

**Jeff:** That was horribly rude of you.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You'll get over it.

**Jeff:** Anywho, how can the show possibly run without Dimitri? I mean, sure, it was different when Felix quit. He was a minor character and it was so many chapters ago that hardly anyone remembers he was even here. But to have _Dimitri_ gone? It'll be UTTER CHAOS AND VIOLENT UPHEAVAL!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** While not being one of the more interesting characters, Dimitri was the reason of the group, occasionally required for plot development. Think of it this way: The Volturi is one giant Jenga tower, and Dimitri is the piece in the middle that holds it all steady. Take out the piece…

**Jeff:** …and watch the tower fall.

(Back to Volturi, approximately one hour after Dimitri's departure)

**Aro:** STUPID DIMITRI WITH HIS STUPID HISSY FITS…YOU KNOW, HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO'S EVER BEEN IGNORED. I'M IGNORED ALL THE TIME. JANE, ALEC, SKITTLES, ALEXA, MR. BLUE, VAMPNINJWA, _EVERYONE_! EVEN MY BROTHERS IGNORE ME!

**Marcus:** What's that you say, Aro? I can't hear you over the sound of my spleniforousness.

**Caius:** What? Aro said something? Speak up, little brother, the Minutemen ride on!

**Aro:** CAIUS, THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION ENDED OVER TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO. THERE HAVEN'T BEEN MINUTEMEN IN A WHILE.

**Caius:** But what about Eagle Eye?

**Aro:** WHILE I DO ENJOY THE MOVIE, THE MINUTEMEN THERE WERE A MOCKERY OF THE MINUTEMEN OF HISTORY. PLUS ARIA WAS JUST A WEIRD ATTEMPT AT A REMAKE OF THE HAL 3000.

**Caius:** That's why no one wants to listen to you, Aro. You're so insensitive to other people's feelings!

**Aro:** WHATEVER. I'M LEAVING.

(Meanwhile, in Peru…)  
**(Warning: This is mildly random and has nothing to do with anything.)**

**Hector Von Hasselhoffenheirnerwarb:** I asked for an Evian, not this glass of shit. Bring me another, Mosfalto, or I'll shove your ass back in jail. Don't think I forgot about you raping my cousin's nephew.

**Mosfalto:** But sir…the bacon is on the grill…

**Hector:** Then take it OFF the grill so it doesn't burn. Damn it, do I have to explain everything to your foreign ass? Get back to work!

**Mosfalto:** -muttering- I'll throw YOUR ass in jail you mother-

(And back to Volturi…)

**Marcus:** You know, I'm craving a taco.

**Caius:** Marcus, we are not going back to Mexico.

**Marcus:** But it was so much fun in Mexico!

**Caius:** It was also fun in Brazil, and look how that turned out.

**Marcus: **it's not my fault I thought Jesus really was in the statue! It was a really convincing sculpture, okay? **(Hah, Blue Bloods joke, for anyone who gets that. Corcovado…Oh my God I hate Lucifer. Well, that's a little self-explanatory, considering he IS the Morningstar, the Silver Prince, Satan himself in the flesh with a cat (well, no, I just added the cat part…but you get the point). ANYwho, I'll shut up now.)**

**Caius:** Whatever, Marcus. We're still not going.

**Marcus:** I'll speak with a British accent until you let me go back.

**Caius:** Go for it.

(And wherever it is Aro went…which is – quelle surprise! – the Cullens')

**Aro:** BELLA, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT SIBLING RIVALRY?

**Bella:** I dunno…I'm an only child…

**Aro:** DOGGONNIT! FINE, I'LL JUST FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

**VampNinjWa:** Hey Aro.

**Aro:** WOAH! _THIS _IS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN ALL THIS TIME?

**VampNinjWa:** Yeah…why are you speaking in all caps?

**Aro:** IT'S COMPLICATED.

**VampJillybean:** So, Aro, what can we do for you?

**Aro:** I'M HAVING ISSUES WITH MY BROTHERS.

**VampNinjWa:** Is it that, or are you just feeling lingering guilt over what happened with Dimitri?

**Aro:** I'M NOT IN ANY KIND OF EMOTIONAL STATE TO DISCUSS DIMITRI AT THIS PRESENT TIME.

**VampNinjWa:** Aro, I think you should have treated Dimitri better. He was, after all, a Russian. **(Hah…resist the urge to salivate…I really want to stop this outburst, but I can't…ILOVERUSSIANDIMITRIHEISSOFREAKINGSEXY! Okay, I'm good now.)**

**Aro:** BUT HE TOLD ME HE WAS TRANSYLVANIAN!

**VampNinjWa:** -sighs- Aro, just…just never mind.

**VampJillybean:** And besides, since when do you ever care about your brothers?

**Aro: **HOLD ON…THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! I DON'T GIVE A _SHIT_ ABOUT MY BROTHERS! JILLYBEAN, YOU'RE A FREAKING GENIUS!

**VampJillybean:** What did I say…?

**Aro:** I'M VENTING MY FRUSTRATION AT CORPORATE AMERICA FOR HOSTING A HOLIDAY WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST! THIS CALLS FOR WAR!

**VampJillybean:** Don't you think that's a little-

**VampNinjWa:** Just let the man do his job, darling.

**Aro:** I HAVE TO GET BACK TO VOLTERRA!

(And meanwhile, at the humble abode of Castle Volturi…)

**Caius:** No, Michelangelo was NOT the yellow Ninja Turtle!

**Marcus:** -all British like- I'm telling you, he was.

**Caius:** Did you know Mom dropped you on your head as a child? SEVERAL TIMES.

**Marcus:** -still talking Brits- I don't see how that's relevant information in our situation here.

**Caius:** And that is my point.

**Marcus:** You know, I don't get you.

**Caius:** Of course YOU don't.

**MetaPandaAlex:** OH MY GOSHES!

**Marcus:** -rolls eyes- We were having a debacle before you so rudely interrupted.

**Caius:** You mean debate, douchebag.

**Marcus:** Whatevvs, home skillet.

**Alexa:** BISCUIT HITLER!

**Alec:** HITLER BISCUITS!

**MetaPandaAlex:** LET ME SPEAK!

**All:** -silent-

**MetaPandaAlex:** Okay, well, there was this guy on the street, and his name was Franco, and he was from Germany, and he told me he had a pet cow named Teacup, and I told him I'd buy it off him for five thousand euros, and so he sold it to me and I just had to pet the cow, cuz Grandma told me to, and now I was wondering if anyone wanted lunch.

**Caius:** I CALL DIBS!

**Alec:** No fair! I haven't fed in, like, eight days. –hair flip-

**MetaPandaAlex:** Ehh, I might give it to the emo transvestity. He's got a sob story.

**Alexa:** Caius, I'll kidnap Jasper's army of squirrels if you let Alec have the cow.

**Caius:** Squirrels?! Squirrels are my favourite!

**Alec:** Won't Jasper be a tad upset?

**Alexa:** He's too upset over his wife leaving him for a mutt to pay me and his squirrel army any mind.

**Caius:** Okay, done.

(And as Aro walks – or rather gracefully crashes – into the room…)

**Caius:** Alec, I thought you were going to _eat_ the cow.

**Alec:** But I didn't know she was this pretty! I could never eat Teacup Florida McVolturi!

**Marcus:** McVolturi…?

**Alec:** Well, she IS a cow, and so she needed a McDonalds name. Is that copyright?

**Caius:** Don't worry honey, if copyright actually mattered anymore to the Volturi we would have come in contact with a lawyer by now.

**Aro:** -crashes into room- WAR IS AT HAND! BRACE YOURSELVES, MY FELLOW VOLTURIANS, FOR WE ARE THE WAR AND THEY ARE THE FIGHTERS!

**Alec:** What does this mean...?

**Aro:** WE CALL IN REINFORCEMENTS! LADIES – AND GENTLEMAN –looks pointedly at Marcus and ignores Caius's death glare- I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO COLONEL M.J.M.D!

**Alexa:** Ooh, what do the letters stand for?

**MJMD:** I am not allowed to disclose that information.

**Alexa:** I like your feather.

**MMJD:** It's Prada.

**Alexa:** And the necklace. I like the ducks.

**MJMD:** Thanks, my mom made it.

**Marcus:** Your mom did WHAT?!

**MJMD:** Made me a necklace…

**Aro:** ENOUGH GOSSIPING LADIES…AND GENTLEMAN…AND LET'S GET BACK TO WAR! I WILL NOT BE TURNED INTO A DEBACLE!

**Caius:** At least one brother of mine can properly use the word "debacle".

**Aro:** THIS WILL BE CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION, VIOLENCE AND GORE, EBONY AND IVORY, ROMEO AND JULIET, ROSE AND JACK, RITZ BITZ CRACKERS AND CHEESE, WHIPPED CREAM AND MORE WHIPPED CREAM, DIMITRI AND DOUCHEBAGGERY, HITLER AND BISCUITS, AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

**Alec:** HITLER BISCUITS!

**Alexa:** That was such…such a beautiful speech…I think I might cry.

**Teacup:** Moo.

**Aro:** AND WE'RE ALL JUST STANDING HERE BECAUSE…?

**MJMD:** Right! To war with us all!

**Alexa:** Alrighty! Wait, who are we launching war on?

**Aro:** THE UNITED STATES OF FUZZIN AMERICA.

**Alexa:** Okay, just let me zip over to Canada and get my nuclear weapons.

**Aro:** CANADIANS HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS?

**Alexa:** We may be sweet and cute, but we only got that way by blowing up everyone better.

**Aro:** SO THAT'S THE SECRET!

**MJMD:** You know I'm charging you per second.

**Aro:** RIGHT! TO WAR WITH US!

(In America…)

**Aro:** I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU PULL OUT THE PIN, THEN THROW IT?

**MJMD:** That's generally how a grenade works.

**Aro:** AND WHAT IF I OBJECT TO THIS? WHAT IF I JUST PULL THE PIN OUT SEVEN-EIGHTHS OF THE WAY, THEN THROW IT, THEN WAIT FOR A BOZO TRYING TO USE IT TO PULL IT THE REST OF THE WAY OUT AND BLOW THEMSELF UP?

**Alec:** What's a bozo?

**Aro:** BOTANICAL OVERLORD ZESTILY OVERRULING, DARLING. IT'S MY FAVOURITE ACRONYM.

**Alec:** Alrighty then….

**Skittles:** Aro, is it really responsible parenting to let a child accompany you to war? I mean, I was only born seven months ago.

**Aro:** SEVEN MONTHS IS LIKE AGES, DARLING. PLUS, OUR WAR TACTICS ARE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THAN OTHERS.

**Skittles:** And how is this?

**Aro:** WE JUST SING REALLY LOUDLY AND OBNOXIOUSLY UNTIL ALEXA SHOWS UP WITH THE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

**Skittles:** And if Alexa misplaced the weapons?

**Aro: **NONSENSE. WHY WOULD SHE EVER DO THAT?

**Alec:** So, shall we commence with the singing?

**MJMD:** What to sing…what to sing…

**Aro:** BY GOLLY, I'VE GOT IT! FOLLOW MY LEAD!

(Silence occurs for a slight moment…)

**Aro:** -sings- MY, MY, THE CLOCK IN THE SKY IS POUNDING AWAY, THERE'S SO MUCH TO SAY…

**Alec:** A face, a voice, an overdub has no choice, and it cannot rejoice…

**Skittles: **Wanting to be, to hear and to see, crying to the sky…

**All:** But the porpoise is laughing good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, good-bye…

**Alexa:** Okay, I'm here.

**Aro:** GOOD. I FORGOT THE NEXT PART.

**Alexa:** Okay, so, I lost the weapons, but I brought Dimitri.

**Dimitri:** I told you I wouldn't help him. You, maybe, but not him.

**Alexa:** But you ARE helping me, Dimka. **(Sorry, couldn't resist.)**

**MJMD:** Hey, I was looking through the dictionary while you were all singing, and I was just wondering: what's a dicker?

**Alexa:** To deal, swap, or trade with petty bargaining. Anywho, I think Dimitri could really help MUCH more than a nuclear weapon.

**Dimitri:** No.  
**Alexa:** Pleeeeeeease? –pouts–

**Dimitri:** I can now resist that look.

**Alexa:** I'll tell them your secret. _I know what you did last summer._

**Dimitri:** Fine. Everyone, take cover.

**Alec:** Why-

**Alexa:** Do as the man says, Alec darling.

(The next few moments are occupied by a very large boom as Dimitri self-implodes)

**Aro:** THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!

**Alexa:** Honestly, you had Dimitri on your guard for like fifty years and you didn't know about that?

**Aro:** I HAVE SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS.

**Skittles:** What happened to Dimitri, anyway?

**Alexa:** Oh don't worry, he'll assemble himself in a moment.

**Aro:** ALEXA, DARLING, HOW DID YOU FIND HIM?

**Alexa:** Not that hard, really. Feels like it was only minutes ago…

(You are traveling through another dimension…sorry, I, uh, mean flashback…which means silent montage…que "Wouldn't It Be Nice")

_**Alexa:**__ -discovers Dimitri over at the Frankenstein place where there is a light on-_

_**Dimitri:**__ -attempts to hide-_

_**Alexa:**__ -finds and pulls away by hand to random meadow-_

_**Both:**__ -do the random 'spinning in circles holding hands' thing people do in montages-_

_**Alexa:**__ -falls down rather expectedly-_

_**Dimitri:**__ -helps up-_

_**-Scene change-**_

_**Both:**__ -eating ice cream-_

_**Alexa:**__ -drops ice cream on Dimitri's foot-_

_**Dimitri:**__ -puts ice cream in Alexa's hair-_

_**Alexa:**__ -scowls and stalks off-_

_**-Scene change-**_

_**Both:**__ -on swings-_

_**Alexa:**__ -falls backwards off swings-_

_**Dimitri:**__ -stops, stares, shrugs, keeps swinging-_

_**-Scene changes-**_

_**Alexa:**__ -shoves Dimitri in a dog kennel-_

_**Dimitri:**__ -growls-_

_**Alexa:**__ -hands dog kennel to luggage handlers-_

_**Luggage Handler:**__ -shoots Alexa funny look-_

_**Alexa:**__ -slips luggage handler…well, a lot of money-_

(Flashback ends)

**Alexa:** And that's how we got here.

**Dimitri:** -now reassembled- You got one detail wrong there. It was a cat kennel, not a dog kennel.

**Alexa:** So?

**Dimitri:** I'm four times its size!

**Alexa:** And yet you managed pretty well through the long flight, didn't you?

**Dimitri:** Whatever.

**Aro:** WELL, DIMITRI, I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY USELESS. IN FACT, I'D LIKE TO PUT YOU AS HEAD OF THE GUARD…IF YOU'LL REJOIN US, THAT IS.

**Alec:** But head is my job…

**Aro:** SHUSH, DARLING.

**Dimitri:** Well…considering there's a serious lack of plot development without me and the Writrice might beat herself over the head with an eggplant, get a concussion that results in brain damage, and discontinue this story if I don't…sure, why not?

**Alexa:** And just like that, all is well in Paradise Volturi. Dimitri's back, the only people not to escape America were the corporate men whom were our targets in the first place, Caius is, for once, not wearing a leotard, and all of our plot development has returned full-force.

**Aro:** BUT I'M STILL TALKING IN ALL CAPS.

**Alexa:** Your point is?

**Aro:** IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

**Marcus:** YOUR MOM is uncomfortable!

**Aro:** -sighs-

**Caius:** No, Marcus. Just…no.

**Aro:** ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO BACK TO VOLTERRA.

(And later, in Volterra…)

**Aro:** THE PINEAPPLE WAS BLUE, YOU SAY?

**VampJillybean:** I told her not to eat it, but does she listen? No.

**MJMD:** You'd have to have a Pez dispenser, eight bags of Golden Oreos, and a new shipment of Pepsi to have any chance of her listening. And even then, the A.D.D. would kick in.

**Dimitri:** Oh, guess what?

**Aro:** WHAT IS IT NOW, BOY?

**Dimitri:** I AM NOT A BOY! And you have a letter from America.

**Aro:** OOOH, GIMME!

_Dear Aro Volturi and Accomplices,_

_I would like to formally congratulate you on disposing of Corporate America, something I have been trying to do since before I became president. They are guilty of such crimes as fabricating four-leaf clovers and "love", and such a crime is punishable by the highest of crimes._

_The Congress wants me to seek revenge on you, but Italy has such good food…so I'm letting it slide. But next time you're going to sing bad songs loudly and bomb my country with your henchman, I would appreciate it if you would inform me prior to any decisions._

_Sincerely,_

_President Obama_

_**(Sorry about that. I had a moment.)**_

**Alexa:** Well, someone's gratuitous.

**Aro:** IMPORTANT MEN LIKE ME OFTEN RECEIVE LETTERS FROM OUR ALSO IMPORTANT LESSERS, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW.

**Alexa:** Actually, I think Obama's your only lesser.

**Alec:** -walks in- Uh…I have news, I guess.

**Aro:** WELL, SPIT IT OUT.

**Alec:** I'm…well, I think I'm pregnant.

(Cuts to White Room)

**Jeff:** Ooh, there's a cliffhanger for you!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So, what do you think happened?

**Jeff:** No, seriously, we want to know.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You _can_ review, you know. It wouldn't kill you.

**Jeff:** Pain you, possibly. But not kill you.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** So tune in next time for a much shorter and less anticipated episode of…

**All:** THE AMAZING ADVENTURES OF ARO THE AROTASTIC!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** They just get such a kick out of saying it.

* * *

**So, WHAT DO YOU THINK? Tell me! No, really. I want to know. I'm DYING here.**

**I just want to take this opportunity to say thanks to everyone, especially those who've been here since the beginning (-cough- Juliann and Alex –cough-). You guys mean the world to me. Ten months ago, when I made this account, I was just a young, aspiring writer who thought no one would ever read my work and actually think well of it. Every time I get a review or a favourite or an alert, I find it just mind-boggling that anyone could like my work besides me. Aro is what started this. His stupid, obnoxious arrogant self was screaming in my head that his story needed to be told (albeit I do insult him on a daily basis, but that's beside the point), and I caved. Also, I probably wouldn't have started this at all if it wasn't for Alex's prompting. Alex, as you all must know by now, is my best friend, my ally, my supporter, my manager (in a way), and my muse. Without her, none of this would even exist. She believed in me from the moment she first saw a piece of my work, and when I told her about my idea she was the reason I followed through. I should dedicate the whole story to her. But she's not the only one who's there for me. There's always the readers, without whom I probably would not write. I mean really, what's the point of reading something no one's going to read? Really now. And it doesn't matter whether you were my first fan or not, or whether you review or not (although I'll be honest, I do like you better if you review). You're still just as important to the success of the story as anyone else. So, thank you, everyone. I really appreciate it.**

**Alrighty, now for the blah.**

**Well, for starters, Friday was my birthday. Fun, eh? No, I will not tell you how old I am (internet security. My mom's a freak when it comes to stuff like that. Won't even let me have Facebook, but I'm considering guilting her into it), but it doesn't really matter, considering at times I have the maturity of a middle-aged person, others a six-year-old, and others a teenage boy. So, by all rights, my age should vary. But I just thought I'd throw in my birthday as motivation to review. As a present? Please? I'll turn into one of those people that doesn't update until they get a certain number of reviews if you don't…hah, just kidding. I hate those people.**

**Okay, well, what other news? Updating will be hard for a little because I have a major Science test Thursday, a Geo test next Wednesday, a History project due April 14****th**** (and no, that does not mean I have a long time to do it), several Math tests between now and that History project, PLUS March Break is soon (-monotone- Yay. I get to listen to other people talk about the vacations they'll be on.). So, yeah. Busy busy! But I'll try.**

**So anyway, I know earlier in the chapter there was something about Aro going on a date but then no more further mention. Well, there'll be lots of that in the next chapter, so don't worry. Oh, and sorry about my sketchy French earlier. I just REALLY wanted them to speak French. French is fun. My teacher loves me. I'm a French prodigy AND I apparently have an excellent accent (I don't know what planet they live on, but ookay buddy) AND I write extremely fast so I'm always done class work ten minutes before everyone else.**

**I promised I would tell you, so here are the stats for the chapter (without the A/Ns but with the title): 11 pages, 4036 words, 19111 characters with no spaces, 22779 characters with spaces, 376 paragraphs, and 489 lines. Pretty sick, right? Yeah, I know, I'm awesome. Praise me. Now.**

**Okay, well, this chapter has a playlist! Yes, a playlist. Eleven songs of pure Aro-oriented fun. Give or take one song. So, here it is (not in order of appearance):**

**Starstruck by Lady GaGa ft. Flo Rida (or, as Nick says, Florida)**

**The Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (I made a LOT of Rocky Horror references, I know)**

**I Can Ride My Bike With No Handlebars by The Flowbots**

**Mr. Brightside by The Killers (the song for Sunday Music Hour, in case you didn't recognize it)**

**I Don't Know About You, But I Came To Dance by Forever The Sickest Kids (also sung in the chapter)**

**I Have Friends in Holy Spaces by Panic at the Disco (it's not complete without PatD. You all should know by now they're my favourite)**

**Boys Will Be Boys by Panic at the Disco (a.k.a. the remix to It's Time to Dance. This song inspired all the Alec moments XD)**

**Indie RnR by The Killers (because, as I always say, it's not a playlist if it doesn't have the greatest song in the history of songs)**

**Wouldn't It Be Nice by The Beach Boys (you all know this song. I LOVE this song.)**

**Porpoise Song by The Monkees (the war song in the chapter. There's a story behind this song…I'll tell you if you review and ask nicely…hint-hint**

**We Used To By Friends by The Dandy Warhols (Hah, Alex, I know you're laughing. It fit the Aro/Dimitri makeup moment. Plus Alex made me watch Veronica Mars with her and we watched…well, LOTS of episodes (we started disc one of the third season at like five or six on Saturday night, then we went to bed at four, then we watched like four more episodes today, so we're on disc four now), and now I'm hooked on the show. Plus, it DOES have a catchy theme song…)**

**Yep, there's the playlist. Fun, right? I like it. It doesn't have the best songs in the world, but they're pretty darn awesome, and they fit the chapter.**

**So ANYwho, I think it's high time for my random dedications, don't you think?**

**This chapter is randomly dedicated to Alex, for being awesome; the fans, for sticking by me; Juliann, for dedicating the latest chapter of Ignorance to me, for waiting patiently for my review (which will be amazing) while fanfiction is stupid (by the way, I finished this yesterday and it wouldn't let me update), and for giving me a new and shiny and sparkly and PURPLE Orgasmic Brownie Machine (which I will put to good use, I promise you); to my friends for being awesome on my birthday (and virtually every day of my life); to Miranda for letting me borrow her fantastic (that's fantastic without the 'n', folks) and FRENCH copy of The Host; to my mother and dad (it pizzes my mom off when I call her 'Mother' but call my dad 'Dad') for giving me lotsa money and being awesome; to this year for being the perfect amount of suckish fun; and to my Uncle David, who is very, very sick and personally wrote a letter for my mom to give me on my birthday. It was quite possibly the most meaningful present I ever received, and I ask you all to keep him in your prayers (if you do that sort of thing. I'm cool with atheists).**

**Disclaimer – **I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING AFFILIATED WITH STEPHENIE MEYER, BUT I DO OWN ARO IN CAPS LOCK, AND HE IS OODLES OF FUN.

**My mother has zero patience. So, with that, I bid you all adieu.**

**Alexa –hearts and brownies-**

**PS- REVIEW!!!**


	25. BONUS CHAPTER!

**Hello civilians! Here I am, writing to you as a special treat from Waneska, Georgia. Fun, eh? We (being my mother, brother and I) are visiting with family friends, although we often inform Jasmine (their seven-year-old daughter) that we dearly miss our igloo and pet polar bear, Aunt Jemima. Anywho, it was BEAUTIFUL here today. I was like "OHMIGOSH! SUN! AND IT'S ACTUALLY PROVIDING WARMTH!" Yeah…I spent like an hour just sitting outside, basking in the warm weather (whereas Canada is supposed to be 2 Celsius on Saturday). And then I was talking to Jumper. He's a gecko. He's cool. And he jumps really far. Hence the name Jumper. And Adrian and Jasmine and…well, I dunno if Aidan helped - caught three geckos. But then they let them go. Oooh, and I made an Emo Boy on Jasmine's Wii. His name was Casper. People in my class would get that. But then Jasmine deleted him, which was very depressing. But it's okay, cuz he was SO hanging with Felicia, and not in an innocent way. Stupid Felicia…she's deleted too.**

**Anyway, I'll get on with it. I decided that since I was able to steal away the laptop for a night, I would write a brief chapter all the way from Georgia. So, how does that sound? Yes, I accept eternal gratitude and love. Hah. Oh, and I'd really appreciate it if ya'll reviewed. Really. I'm so close to a hundred….I would literally DIE if I got a hundred reviews. I mean, come on people. I've seen nasty slashfics and threesomes get more reviews than this. Although that's explainable. There are some REALLY creepy people out there…like this person on fan pop. Oh Lordy. I was looking at comments for a pick for The Host that said "Ian or Jared?" and one person said both, and their comment was "I just learned something about myself…I am perfectly okay with threesomes." I was like WOAH BUDDY. Keep that to yourself, why don't you?**

**ANYway, on with it.**

* * *

**Short Bonus Chapter**

**Jeff: **Hello everybody!**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah. Hi.

**Jeff: **Okay, well apparently we have a surprise episode on our hands!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Oh JOY. Aren't we all excited?

**Jeff:** And now to escape from Mr. K's sarcasm…ON WITH THE EPISODE!

(Cuts to Castle Volturi)

**Alec: **Why is everyone staring? Do my maternity clothes make me look fat?

**Skittles: **No, not AT ALL.

**Aro: **I'M JUST WONDERING _HOW_ IT HAPPENED.

**Alec:** Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much-

**Aro: **YES, BUT DOES THAT APPLY TO YOU?

**Alec:** I'm a woman, and I may have overindulged on rice cakes that may or may not have been spiked, and one thing led to another, and…

**Aro:** HOW DO YOU SPIKE A RICE CAKE?

**Alexa:** Never mind that - are you saying you got jiggy with an alcoholic rice cake?

**Alec:** Nah, I'm fairly sure it was Fabio.

**Aro:** OF COURSE.

**Alec:** He's much less muscular in person…but eh, I was drunk. He sorta looked like a woman from far away…and he looked even more like a woman close up…but I assure you, he is male.

**Alexa:** So you're pregnant with Fabio's child….and have you told him yet?

**Alec:** Heck no! He's FABIO for goodness sakes! He'd probably file a lawsuit.

**Aro:** HE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU.

**Alec:** Oh trust me, he remembers.

**Alexa:** Oh God, you sick, sick woman.

**Alec:** Well, if you're gonna have a drunk one night stand, it may as well be kinky. That way you won't regret it cuz it was just so darn good.

**(Board Officials for FF: -wondering if this should be rated M because we're so high and mighty we think teenagers don't discuss/participate in similar activities-)**

**Aro:** SO YOU'RE PREGNANT WITH FABIO'S CHILD, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HIM, YOU INTEND TO RAISE SAID CHILD IN A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT, AND YOU LEFT HIM WITH A NIGHT THAT WILL MAKE HIM PINE AFTER YOU AN POSSIBLY TRACK YOU DOWN FOR ANOTHER GO?

**Alec:** Well…that sounds about right.

**Aro:** AT LEAST YOU KEEP THINGS INTERESTING.

**Alexa:** We're interesting too! We just had a WAR! And Dimitri's back!

**Alec:** OMG Dimitri's back?!

**Alexa:** Did you miss the montage?

**Alec:** Maybe…

**Alexa:** You whore.

**Dimitri:** I agree. That was a fantastic montage.

**Alec:** It wasn't my fault! I was off discovering my pregnancy.

**Aro:** OH MY GOSH ALEC _WHAT IF FAB__IO HAD AN STD?!_

**Alec:** I'm a vampire….

**Aro:** YES, BUT YOU'RE BABY IS ONLY HALF VAMPIRE. THAT MEANS THE HUMAN HALF IS SUSCEPTIBLE TO THE STD…MEANING YOUR BABY WILL HAVE HALF AN STD!

**Alec:** That's…upsetting. I should get that checked before I hit the four month mark.

**Alexa:** How long do you think that'll take?

**Aro:** WELL, JUDGING BY THE SPEED OF MY PREGNANCY, I'D SAY…TOMORROW NIGHT.

(Much later…)

**MJMD:** Since the war's over….think I can go home now?

**Aro:** NAH, I STILL NEED YOU HERE.

**MJMD:** And why is that?

**Aro:** SO YOU CAN HELP ME TAKE OVER THE WORLD. STARTING WITH THE INTERNET!

**Alexa:** I'm fairly sure this is plagiarism…I mean, I'm fairly sure Aro taking over the internet has been done before.

**MJMD:** Not through Facebook.

**Alexa:** Very true.

(And later…)

**Aro:** SO HOW COME I CAN'T LOAD MORE THAN ONE PICTURE AT A TIME? AND WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG?

**MJMD:** You wouldn't let me download the software you needed to be able to upload more pictures at a time, and your server is EXTREMELY slow. Really. I'm considering unleashing nuclear weaponry on your laptop.

**Aro:** WELL…_YOU'RE A HOOKER!_

(And later…)

**Alexa:** How's the hostile Facebook takeover going along?

**Aro:** IN THE PAST HOUR I'VE GOTTEN THREE FRIENDS.

**Alexa:** Very good, Aro. Good boy.

**Aro:** YOU'RE MOCKING ME, AREN'T YOU?

**Alexa:** Me? Never. I would NEVER mock you.

**Aro:** GOOD. I KNEW YOU WERE MY FRIEND.

**Alexa:** -face palms-

(and still later…)

**Dimitri:** And I'm considering changing my name to Jacques.

**MJMD:** Jacques doesn't fit you at all. You need something more macho. You should go with Donatello.

**Dimitri:** That's a Ninja Turtle.

**MJMD:** I know.

**Alexa:** I like it.

(and later.)

**Aro:** _DONATELLO?!_

(Cuts to White Room, which had been painted Green)

**Jeff:** Well, no time for a blurb. Toodles lovees!

* * *

**So, wutcha think? Let me know…? Please?**


	26. In Which Aro Stops Talking In Caps

**Hello everyone! I know, I know, it's been four months. I UNDERSTAND. I've just been…you know…busy. With things. I've been concentrating more on my other story, Never Say Never (don't hate me, I'm in the middle of writing the last chapter anyway) and I've just recently come out with a new story called Maelstrom (which is my baby, my most brilliant work of genius). I've also had a bit of writer's block. Okay, a lot of writer's block. Every time I tried to start this chapter, it came out being completely and disgustingly inappropriate or just not funny. Actually, it's not really funny now, but it's as good as it's gonna get unless you wanna wait another few months. I'm off my funny streak and I need some time in the ICU of Comedy.**

**Actually, I was looking back, and none of the beginning of this story is actually really funny. It doesn't get funny until around chapter twelve, and then it only gets sorta funny…it's just really random. The last couple chapters are an attempt at actual humour, but since I'm not that funny, I decided to go back to random with this chapter. Doesn't really make sense, but it's all I've got, and you better appreciate it!**

**Random Dedication to people who are bangable, wizards, and saying 'God bless you' to atheists. Gosh, I love Dane Cook…**

**Disclaimer:** I am not in any way affiliated with Twilight. Nor, to my great discontent, do I own the Harry Potter series. Damn Joanne Kathleen Rowling and her clever plot that got her loaded…

* * *

**The Chapter In Which Aro Stops Yelling Because It Was Bugging The Holy Ninja Darts Out Of Me**

**Jeff:** Hey all!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Oh my word, GUESS WHAT!

**Jeff:** No, he's not gay, he's just been talking like a pubescent female and wearing pink a lot.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** DON'T JUDGE ME.

**Jeff:** Anyway, after a long programming delay-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** coughwritersblockcough

**Jeff:** -we're finally back!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Only due to the fact that the authoress - bless her soul - was up until four thirty watching Dane Cook: Vicious Circle in its entirety and had a sudden spark of comical genius.

**Jeff:** You mean this is actually going to be funny now?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I should hope so.

**Jeff:** Then lets get to it!

(Cuts to Castle Volturi, in Aro's bedroom which serves double as a nursery)

**Alec:** Isn't he beautiful?

**Dimitri:** I think there's beauty behind every desperate plot development.

**Alec:** So that's all you think of Brutus?

**Dimitri:** Well, I'm still wondering whether or not you should talk to a doctor about this.

**Alec:** Why? There's nothing wrong.

**Dimitri:** Your baby's a hedgehog, numbnuts.

**Alec:** A perfectly healthy hedgehog.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Dimitri:** Did that hedgehog just squawk?

**Alec:** HE HAS A NAME.

**Dimitri:** He just freaking squawked.

**Alec:** That can't be the weirdest thing you've seen around here!

**Dimitri:** Oh yes, I think it is.

**Alec:** Weirder than Caius's leotard?

**Dimitri:** I saw that one coming.

**Alec:** Weirder than Aro's lingerie drawer?

**Dimitri:** "Lingerie drawer" actually ended up being code for the secret compartment in his dresser that conceals a stairway we never knew about leading to a hidden basement room where he keeps his contraband food.

**Alec:** What kind of food?

**Mysterious Voice From the Dresser:** Help! I'm not human, I'm a wizard! Vampires have a treaty with wizards! I am not the enemy! Or desert! I am a wizard!

**Dimitri:** QUIET HARRY!

**Harry From the Dresser:** I killed Lord Voldemort!

**Dimitri:** I SAID QUIET! -kicks dresser-

**Harry From the Dresser:** -falls silent-

**Dimitri:** That's better.

**Alec:** Honestly? Is that really not weirder?

**Dimitri:** Nope.

**Alec:** What about Marcus's Barbie doll?

**Dimitri:** Made sense to me.

**Alec:** The Buffalo?

**Dimitri:** He kept Aro off everyone else's case for a while. As long as he can make fun of Jane, we're all safe.

**Alec:** What about our dinner guest last night?

**Dimitri:** Oh yeah! I had a chat with dear old Obama. He agrees. Says there's something odd about that hedgehog.

**Alec:** HIS NAME IS BRUTUS.

**Brutus:** Squawk!

**Dimitri:** See! He's at it again! Squawking! What kind of hedgehog squawks?

**Aro:** The kind that a result of a transvestite and male model attempting to reproduce.

**Dimitri:** When did you get here?

**Aro:** A while ago. I just thought I'd see how far Alec would go with her questioning. Well, I'm off now.

**Alec:** Off where?

**Aro:** Taking Skittles for her play date.

**Dimitri:** Who'd agree to a play date with a arsonistic vampire child?

**Harry From the Dresser:** WHAT ABOUT MY KIDS? WHAT ABOUT MY WIFE?

**Aro:** Don't worry, darling. Skittles has promised not to eat them on her play date.

**Harry From the Dresser:** WAIT! YOU HAVE TO LET ME OUT! _I KILLED LORD VOLDEMORT!_

**Dimitri:** Blah, blah, blah, we've heard this already.

**Harry From the Dresser:** …Aren't you impressed?

**Dimitri:** So you avenged your parents in a battle scene that lasted about half a paragraph. Big deal. I _ate_ my parents, then stole the keys to the BMW and drove to LA for a party with Michael Jackson. **(Bless his soul…)**

**Aro:** Anyway….toodles!

(Meanwhile…)

**Jane:** Pfff, no, Final Fantasy is WAY better than Kingdom Hearts.

**MJMD:** The main character of Kingdom Hearts is sexier.

**Jane:** Is not!

**MJMD:** Is too! He's much more bangable.

**Jane:** Bangable…?

**MJMD:** Yeah. You know, like Shia Laboeuf, Daniel Radcliffe, Mr Darcy, Hugh Jackman…

**Jane:** I still have no idea what you're talking about.

**MJMD:** Oh, go rape yourself.

**Jane:** Will do.

**Caius:** -walks in- So, you two having an interesting conversation?

**MJMD:** Not really.

**Caius:** Why is it that no one around here ever has anything to say that's worth listening to?

**Jane:** Because everyone here's a dipshit.

**MJMD:** I resent that.

**Jane:** I resent YOUR FACE!

**Alexa:** I resent that this stopped being funny a long time ago.

**Jane:** When did you get here? I thought Aro banished me.

**Alexa:** No silly banishment threat can bamboozle or confuzzle me! Unless it's a Banishment Charm…but of course, all the wizards are locked in Aro's dresser and I know for sure he doesn't let them out.

**Jane:** What wizards?

**Alexa:** Precisely.

**Jane:** You make no sense.

**MJMD:** ANY!

**Jane:** You make any sense…?

**Alexa:** Exactly what I said!

**Dimitri:** Yo! What's up?

**Caius:** Our ability to be humorous has gone horribly wrong!

**Dimitri:** -stares-

**Caius:** What?

**Dimitri:** I didn't know you were capable of using such big words.

**Alec:** GIANT KAFOOFLES ARE ATTACKING THE CASTLE!

**Everyone:** -gasps-

**Alec:** WAIT!

**Everyone:** -waits-

**Alec:** Okay, they've passed. Just don't let them get anywhere near your face. They will eat your mind. THEY WILL EAT YOUR SOUL…..

**Dimitri:** Oh, that's a relief, I thought they'd do something BAD.

**Jane:** What are Kafoofles?

**Alexa:** Instruments of magical joy and wonder that were horribly malformed after a terrible accident and are now bent on world domination and DOOM.

**Jane:** Of course they are.

**Dimitri:** Well at least we know what they're after.

**Caius:** What do you mean? No one knows what the Kafoofles _want_.

**Dimitri:** But she just said-

**Alexa:** I said they were _bent_ on world domination and DOOM. That's not necessarily what they _want_.

**Jane:** So is not knowing what they want a problem?

**Alec:** You want to know if it's a PROBLEM?

**Caius:** OF COURSE IT'S A FLIPPING PROBLEM! THEY WON'T REST UNTIL THEY GET WHAT THEY WANT!

**Dimitri:** Then how do we find out what they want?

**Alec:** Easy. You ask them.

**Jane:** You ask them. That's all? Why hasn't anyone asked, then?

**Caius:** Oh, they have. They've just never lived to tell us.

**Alec:** Kafoofles eat your mind and soul if they see you.

**Jane:** Excuse me, but how exactly do they eat your mind?

**Alexa:** They suck it out from your eyes.

-silence-

**Dimitri:** …what?

**Alexa:** Everyone knows your mind is behind your eyes!

**Caius:** And your soul is in your bellybutton!

**Alec:** Yeah, they rip that out. Bloody painful.

**Jane:** Okay, so is there anything that can kill a Kafoofle?

**Alec:** Of course there is!

**Brutus:** Squawk!

**Alec:** Oh, Brutus, you're still there! I thought maybe you ran off, since you were so quiet and all…

**Dimitri:** And no one finds the hedgehog that squawks abnormal?!

**Jane:** So…what does kill it?

**Caius:** Wizards.

**Dimitri:** Wizards?

**Alec:** That would be correct.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Jane:** Where the flying monks of Neptune are we supposed to find a wizard?

**Harry From the Dresser** **Heard Faintly From Upstairs:** I KILLED VOLDEMORT! LET ME OUT!

**Alec:** IF YOU KILLED VOLDEMORT THEN WHY IS IT YOU CAN'T MAGIC YOURSELF OUT OF A DRESSER?

**Harry From the Dresser:** I…I don't know…

**Alec:** So, anyone have any clue where to look for wizards?

**Caius:** MEXICO!

**Alexa:** Caius, for the last time, we are not going back to Mexico!

**Alec:** Besides, there are no Mexican wizards! They're all British and Irish and French and Albanian and Bulgarian.

**Caius:** Well, where else are we supposed to look?

**Dimitri:** I think I might know…

* * *

**So, what d'you think? Not my best, I know, but at least I updated, right? No? Shut up.**

**So, anyway, review! Please? I'll love you forever!**


	27. IMPORTANT

**Alright my home boy peeps yo, I got some news for yall and stuffs, and it aint all haps and whatnot, so wesa gunna take it slow, fo sho.**

**Okay, that was sad.**

**ON TO MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS!**

**So…something happened over the last few months. I call it life. Isn't it a bitch? Well, anyway, school started and my courses are all academic (do you call it academic in the US or is it something else? Anyway, if it isn't, academic is the highest education level. There's academic (for the smart kids), applied (for the average kids), and essentials (for the kids who are stupid or don't care or have slight learning disabilities). Anyway, academic courses are like SUPER DUPER hard. I'm struggling to keep my grades as high as they are now (we just got our midterms and I have an 89 average - go me!) and I probably shouldn't be complaining because there are loads of kids in academic that are failing, but I'm a perfectionist and anything less than honour roll is failure for me. Don't question my logic. It just is.**

**So, anyway, I've been really swamped with work. And it's not like I'm taking huge courses either - two of my four classes I never have any homework in (French and Gym - oh, and just a side note, French is the EASIEST class in the world. I'm getting a 98. No joke. That might just be me though…I'm freakishly good at French) but it's the English and Math that gets you. Academic English with Mrs. Coates - not cool. Probably one of the hardest courses for my grade. I'm fairly sure my teacher is a sadist. She wants us to either kill ourselves from stress or drown us in essays in which we can never do quite good enough. The other academic English teacher for the grade teaches only one class during the day, and my bestie Jill has him, and he's WAY easy. They get like barely any homework ever. I get homework pretty much every night. And Math - let me tell you something right now. I am fairly sure that Catholics are evil math-lovers and Catholic school math is harder than public school math. I don't know why. They assume that we have time to do ten-fifteen questions per night. Last year we had like three pages each night. It's insanity. They hate us.**

**ANYWAY, the point I'm trying to make - and by now I'm sure the tension and suspense of knowing what this author's note is all about is killing you - is that I am, indefinitely, busy. And, because I am busy, I am issuing an indefinite hiatus on this story. So if you've been waiting patiently for new chapters, I'm sorry to say they won't come up very often. I'm in the progress of writing another chapter now - a nice big one just for you guys - but given my schedule I can't give a confirmed date at which it will be out. Before Christmas, definitely. And after that I will try to post whenever I have time. I just want you guys to know that I wouldn't abandon you if I had a choice, and I will try to find time to post. I'm just busy, is all. Life is a sonofabitch.**

**Okay, so I'm gonna nag you now about something I'm sure I've nagged about before - reviews. Now, you've heard it over and over again from me that there are crap fics that get more reviews and I deserve more and blah blah blah. Look, I know my ideas are really obscure and not many people read my stories. I get that. But I know I'm a good writer, and writing is the only thing that **_**really**_** matters to me - other than my family and my religion, of course. And, like every ambitious young writer, I have insecurities. When I write my stories and there's practically no response, it makes me feel like my ideas are just too obscure, and if I do publish a book it'll never be written. It makes me feel like I'm a bad writer somehow; if I was any good I'd have lots of readers, right? Anyway, these anxieties are part of what causes my frequent writer's blocks, and that's partially why I never update. But I think if you just put in a couple of words - even if it's just "HEY YOU WITH THE SHIRT - GROW SOME WHY DON'T YA" it might just make me confident enough in myself to get through the day.**

**So, just a quick word. That's all I'm asking.**

**Anyway, hope all ye Americans have a good Thanksgiving. I'm actually leaving tomorrow to go to my great-uncle's for the holiday, because they came over for our Canadian Thanksgiving and my mom had vacation hours and hey, I get to miss Math and Sex Ed, so what's the loss?**

**I'll try to get the chapter out as soon as possible.**

**Thanks all for your patience.**

**Oh, and one more thing - **

**Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?**

**And that's Latin for (Pertaining to a barbeque) **_**Have you ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?**_


	28. Sorry Author's Note

**Okay guys, I promise I'll stop with the author's notes and give you an actual chapter soon.**

**I should probably explain myself.**

**I haven't given up on my stories. Any of them. See, the problem is I just started high school this year (don't laugh at my freshmanness; I'm a very mature and intelligent freshman, thank you.) and it's been a pretty stressful experience adjusting to the new setting. And once I finally adjusted to my schedule and classes, it was getting closer and closer to midterms and teachers were piling on the homework and ISUs (Independent Study Units; really major projects worth a good chunk of the final grade). Then, once midterms were over and I finally had a chance to relax, I didn't want to sit at a computer for hours. I wanted to sleep. (I apologize for this, but I have chronic unexplained fatigue. Also, I have anxiety and stress issues, what with my uncle dying and my dad leaving and having to see my mom go through so much this year – it's kind of been tough for me. I wasn't built to handle other people's problems, only my own, so seeing my mom so sad and frustrated for such a long time took a toll on me. But she recently got a boyfriend who makes her really happy, so I'm hoping that load is lifted now.)**

**Anyway, as soon as my relaxing days were over it was time to get down to business again with exam preparation, which is happening now. Also, I have course selections for grade 10 (which I just submitted today :D I'm taking all academic courses (science, English, math, history) except for my open compulsory courses (careers/civics and religion (catholic school)) and my electives (literacy and French) and my alternates (in case I can't have one of my electives; I picked two tech classes: communication technology (photography, media, animation, etc.) and green industries (horticulture, landscaping, floristry, agriculture). I refused to take hospitality (basically homec)) which are due on Monday. PLUS on Monday I have my Grade 9 EQAO Math Exam (provincial testing in Ontario; you take English/math in grade 3 and 6, then math in 9, then literacy in grade 10). So yeah. A lot. For me, anyway, since I'm only a minor niner and aren't used to so much work. I have an essay on The Merchant of Venice for English on my EXAM which I also have to write an outline for and then try to remember for the exam. Yeah, end of first semester is not pretty. Thankfully I only have geography and science as big classes next semester and then religion and drama, which are open and so can't really be THAT hard. Not any harder than Coates's academic English, anyway. We pretty much just write essays and analysis papers on EVERYTHING.**

**Anyway, to sum it all up, a lot has been going on and that's why I haven't been writing. But I'm hoping that once exams are over and second semester starts, since I'll already be used to school I won't have as much trouble and I'll have time to get some writing done. Just know I'm trying as hard as I can. I would write this weekend, but I'm at my dad's and he doesn't have a computer, which SUCKS because I got a flash drive for Christmas so I could just work on this at his house, but no. He has to not have a computer. That would give me something to do, too. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to chase his cats. I like cats.**

**ANYWAY, I have an EQAO practice exam to finish now that's kind of due tomorrow and it's 9:30 at night, and my mom (for some reason unknown to me, because it was different with my older brother Aaron) thinks that even though I'm almost fifteen I have a bedtime, so she forces me and my other brother Aidan (thirteen) to go to bed at 11. It sucks. And I have other math homework too (reviews for the exam), so I kind of have to go. I started a new chapter and I'll try to work on it right after exams (which, by the way, are January the 27th, 28th, 29th and February the 1st, then a day off, then second semester) I promise.**

**Lots of love to all of you that stuck with me and put up with my crap and REVIEWED,**

**Alexa :)**

**If anyone needs anything, feel free to review or PM me. I'm not deleting this AN because that just screws everyone up.**


	29. A Gay Guy, A British Man and a Brutus

**WASSUP?!?!?!**

**Okay, I finally finished a chapter. How awesome am I? Seriously though, if there's anyone out there who started reading this story when I posted it in 2008 and STILL puts up with my update delays, you totes get the next chapter dedicated to you. As for this one…**

**Chapter dedications go to Jillian, who SHAMROCKED my birthday (which was yesterday, February 20****th****! I'm fifteen now! Wow, I feel so old…lmao I'm such a retard), Miranda who kept getting the hiccups (Lego blocks, by the way!), PMS Mints ("The best mint…Period."), Cats the musical because I never knew it was actually about cats, Taylor for making me feel special every morning at school, writer's block for leaving me for now, birthday money, my autisticat, and SPIRIT BOUND WHICH COMES OUT MAY 18****TH**** AND WILL BE AMAZING BECAUSE ROSE IS BACK AT SCHOOL WITH ADRIAN WHO IS MY LIFE. **

**Oh, and to the person who reviewed and said Christian is the most amazing (I wanted to reply so bad! Damn anonymous review!): Yes. Yes, Christian is amazing. But he belongs with Lissa. I'm talking about the available VA boys. Dimitri is SEXY and technically was never actually dating Rose, so I could still hope, but he was such an asshole in Blood Promise I'm not even bothering anymore. Besides, I only wanted him for his accent, his body and his trenchcoat. But Adrian is HELLA amazing. Not only is he funny but he's got that badass vibe that makes people like me strangely attracted to him, but he's also really sweet to Rose which is cute. Everything sweet he does for her makes me go "AWW!"**

**Yeah, so that's my unnecessarily long justification of why the other two are amazing. But if Christian was available I would so go for him. I mean, he can make fire, man. And he's hilarious. So I totally get why you would go for him.**

**Anyway…ignore me and move on to the chapter.**

* * *

**Chapter Something: A Gay Guy, An English Man and a Brutus Walk Into A Bar...**

**Jeff: **DUDE! SUP MAH HOME SKILLET BISCUIT WITH A SIDE OF BUTTER AND JAM?!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **BRO! Man, I haven't seen you in like FO EVA.

**Jeff:** Yeah, it was like BOGUS with you gone. Like, totally JENK.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Jenk?

**Jeff:** Yeah. That's what we'd say if this was iCarly.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** OMIGOODNESS I totally love that show!

**Jeff:** Isn't it just grand?

**Mr. Kittywhale: **THE GRANDEST!

**Jeff:** YEE AAH! So, anyway, DUDE! The show!

**Mr. Kittywhale: **…What about it?

**Jeff:** Shall we go on?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Do I have a choice?

**Jeff: **Not really.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** ONWARD, then!

(Cuts to Adam Lambert's living room)

**Aro:** So…YOU'RE the gay one?

**Adam Lambert:** Oh totally. I like pretty much banged a guy on national television.

**Aro:** Nervy, nervy.

**Adam Lambert:** So…wanna bang?

**Aro:** I'm good, actually. I passed Britney Spears on the street.

**Adam Lambert:** You'll come around.

**Aro:** Probably.

**Alec:** Why don't you just ask him so we can get this over with?

**Aro:** GAHH!

**Alec:** What?

**Aro:** How the jumbo slushie did you get in my house?!

**Adam Lambert:** Uhh…Actually, this is my house.

**Aro:** Same thing.

**Adam Lambert:** Did I tell you I'm gay?

**Aro:** Did I tell you I'm a pirate?

**Alec:** Why are we here again?

**Aro:** HOW DID ALL THESE PEOPLE GET IN MY HOUSE?!

**Adam Lambert:** I'm gay!

**Dimitri:** You also look like a girl.

**Aro:** DIMITRI!

**Dimitri:** ARO!

**Alexa:** ME!

**Aro:** Go away, you.

**Alexa:** Aww…

**Alec:** ALEXA!

**Alexa:** ALEC!

**Alec:** What's up my home skillet?

**Alexa:** BISCUIT HITLER!

**Alec:** HITLER BISCUITS!

**Alexa:** Obviously I'm loved by somebody.

**Aro:** Well I'm the super macho leader guy, so what I say goes. And I don't like you.

**Alexa:** You're awfully whiny for a 'super macho leader guy'.

**Adam Lambert:** I like whiny. –wink-

**Alec:** I have to say you're creepy. And I'm a teenage vampire transvestite with a porcupine for a child.

**Aro:** Where is Brutus?

**Alec:** I left him with Skittles.

(Back with Skittles)

**Skittles:** Okay kid, here's the deal. I'M the adorable child. You should back off.

**Brutus:** Squawk?

**Skittles:** No I will not play Twister with you!

**Brutus:** Squawk?

**Skittles:** Not Clue either.

**Brutus:** …Squawk?

**Skittles:** Ooh, Monopoly sounds fun!

(Back at Casa Gay)

**Adam Lambert:** I like men!

**Aro:** So, Adam Lambert…

**Adam Lambert:** Yes, I am gay.

**Aro:** That's not what I was going to ask.

**Adam Lambert:** Whatever you're asking, yes. –raises eyebrow suggestively-

**Aro:** So you ARE a leprechaun, then?

**Adam Lambert:** How do you know my secrets?

**Aro:** Wikipedia.

**Adam Lambert:** Aha. I knew it. I should never have trusted Wiki. It's run by unicorns, you know.

**Aro:** They're quite pleasant people, though they are a bit tricky.

**Adam Lambert:** The dwarves at Google are even worse. They bite.

**Aro:** Bet that hurt.

**Adam Lambert:** I kind of enjoyed it, actually.

**Alec:** Have I mentioned I'm afraid of this man?

**Alexa:** Eh, I've seen worse.

**Alec: **What's worse than Adam Lambert?

**Alexa:** The movie version Aro.

**Dimitri:** HE WAS CREEPY.

**Aro:** Chyeah, and SO not like me. Yeah right, like I'd wear an outfit THAT hideous! Get real poser actor whose hair is nowhere near as soft and luxurious as mine.

**Adam Lambert:** He had nothin on you, babe.

**Aro:** Aww, that's so nice! I don't know what you guys are talking about, this guy's a total sweetie.

**Dimitri:** You've obviously never been hit on.

**Aro:** What are you talking about?

**Alec:** Aro, man, this guy's totally trying to get you into his skinny jeans.

**Aro:** Nahh, really?

**Adam Lambert:** It's true. Although it's just such a trouble that you probably won't fit into them. We could try yours, though… -'hey babe' head nod-

**Aro:** Okay, now that I've clued in I'm disturbed.

**Dimitri:** Then why are we still here?

**Aro: **Point. Let us scurry away!

-All scurry-

(Back at Castle Volturi)

**English Man:** OI! QUIT YOUR LOLLYGAGGING AND FETCH ME A BO'LE 'O WHISKEY AND SOME CRISPS!

**Aro:** I don't like your Cockney attitude, my friend.

**English Man:** I DON'T LOIK YOUR BLOODY FACE YOU RAT'S ARSE WANKER!

**Aro:** Wanker? Is that really necessary?

**English Man:** YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME YOU POT O' SQUID SPERM?

**Aro:** Squid sperm…? Now you're just not making any sense.

**English Man:** IT'LL SURE MAKE SENSE WHEN I SHOVE YOUR FACE UP YOUR ARSE-HOLE YOU PANSY-ASS PRAT!

**Aro:** Oh _HELL_ no! Alec, get my ass-kicking pants!

**Alec:** Nah, I'd rather not.

**Aro:** Fine! I guess I'm a lone ranger on this one.

-Tackles English Man-

**Alexa:** Alec, my main man-woman! What's up my home skillet biscuit Hitler?

**Alec:** HITLER BISCUITS?!

**Alexa:** That's why I love you. So, what's going on?

**Alec:** Aro just body slammed some random British guy. I thought you were babysitting Brutus?

**Alexa:** Nah, I gave him to Dimitri.

**Alec:** Oh God.

(Elsewhere…)

**Dimitri:** So, Brutus…what should we do today?

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Dimitri:** No, we can't go water-skiing, there's no boat.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Dimitri:** We can't go to Hot Topic either. Last time I went there these Mexican wannabe-emos chased me out the door with broomsticks. Not whole brooms, just broomsticks.

**Caius:** -Distantly- Did someone mention Mexico?

**Brutus:** Squawk?

**Dimitri:** Well…Yes, we could eat the Jonas Brothers. I prefer white meat anyway.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Dimitri:** No that was not meant in a racist way! That's like saying people who eat white cows are too racist to eat brown cows.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Dimitri:** You're right, they are a bit dry.

**Brutus:** Squawk!

**Dimitri:** -laughs hysterically- Oh my goodness, that's amazing. If I had a penny for every time I heard that, I'd have one cent. That's a once-in-a-lifetime joke, my friend.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Dimitri:** Yes, that does sound like something she would say.

(And in some other part of Castle Volturi…)

**Marcus:** No! It's just not possible!

**Caius:** I'm afraid it is, brother.

**Marcus:** I can't believe it! This will change the course of science forever!

**Caius:** I was surprised by it myself.

**Marcus:** We simply HAVE to tell the others!

-rings bell-

**Marcus:** Everyone! Meeting in the Grand Hall NOW! I have some important announcements to make!

-Everyone gathers-

**Marcus:** I have stumbled upon something greater than any of you could possibly imagine!

**Skittles:** Oh, great. Another one of Sheep Boy's grand revelations.

**Marcus:** Stop calling me Sheep Boy! That was one time and it will never happen again!

**Adam Lambert:** Then why was there a sheep in your closet?

**Caius:** GAHH who are you?

**Aro:** How did he get in here?

**Alec:** Why were you in Marcus's closet?

**Harry From The Dresser From The Last Chapter:** DOES HE KNOW I KILLED LORD VOLDEMORT?!

**Aro:** NOBODY CARES WIZARD MANCHILD!

**Adam Lambert:** Well, I'm your worst nightmare but secret wet dream –winks-, I got in through the door because you forgot to secure the bolts, I was in Marcus's closet because I enjoy being in closets almost as much as I enjoy coming out of them –winks again- and everyone knows you killed Lord Voldemort, but nobody cares.

**Caius:** Well that clears things up.

**Marcus:** Can I get on with my grand announcement?

**Alexa:** Sure thing, Sheep Boy.

**Marcus:** You told _her_?

**Skittles:** Le DUH, she's only like the number one person to tell your enemy's secrets to.

**Everyone:** -various forms of the phrase "oh yes, it's true"-

**Marcus:** ANYWAY, I have come across a piece of information so powerful it will change the course of history. This little tidbit even has the power to alter the fabric of time and space and destroy life as we know it. The information is…

-EPIC SILENCE-

**Marcus:** THE KNEE BONE IS CONNECTED TO THE HIP BONE!

(Cut to White Room)

**Jeff:** VOILA!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** OLAY!

**Jeff:** Olay?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Have I said too much?

**Jeff:** OHMYGOD IT'S A NARWHAL!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** A narwhal or a narwalrus?

**Jeff:** You mean the unicorn of the sea?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Precisely.

**Jeff:** Precisely what?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

**Jeff:** I know what brings them to my yard…

**Mr. Kittywhale:** …What?

**Jeff:** My 100-pack of Crayola crayons, of course!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** FO SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE!

**Jeff:** Well, I guess things are better left there.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Indeed, indeed.

**Jeff:** Farewell, good sirs and ladies.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Adieu!

* * *

**Yeah, my outro was lame. So what? Got a problem with that? Huh? Do ya? Well then YOU can write these chapters and try to entertain today's society. I'd like to see you try to be funny.**

**Anyway, thanks for staying with me guys, I know I suck. OH! I have one more dedication! (As if I didn't have enough…) The last one is the book series Percy Jackson and the Olympians. It's SO. FREAKING. AMAZING. If you like Greek Mythology, or even if you don't, read it. It's really good. But seriously, I want to know if Percy and Annabeth ever hook up, because they're totally meant for each other. And he definitely likes her. Definitely. But I'm only on book three, so they're only…what, fourteen? So they haven't got it on yet. Which sucks. I want them together. And I hope Thalia grows on you, because I just started the third book (birthday present from Jilly :D) and she's already pissing me off. Oh, and I hope Luke gets punched in the testicles. Yes, folks, I said testicles instead of balls.**

**Well, now that my rant is over:**

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW**

**And if you didn't get the message, review.**

**Love you all with all my heart and guts and stuff!**

**-Alexa :)**


	30. Minus Development, Plus Structure

**HEY PEOPLES! Yes, I am back already. Surprised? You should be. I'm surprised too. But it took a lot less time than anticipated to update my other story, and a lot less time that expected to get inspiration for this chapter, so…here it is!**

**SIDE NOTE TO ANYONE WHO ALSO READ MY STORY 'NEVER SAY NEVER': OHMYGOODNESS I was reading the last (I think) 6 chapters and I almost cried! I forgot how amazing that story was. Well, maybe that's just my opinion. But it sure had a lot more fans than this story, so I'm guessing it must have been good…but then again, what do I know? I'm just your typically abnormally confident world-weary sixteen-year-old female protagonist tee hee. (That entire thing, from 'but then again' is quoted from the Twilight Rifftrax, which I totally want to buy because it sounds amazing. I advise everyone to go look up 'Best of Twilight – Rifftrax' on Youtube, and preferably get the one by MST3K86 or the Damar-whatever one. Those are the best.)**

**DEDICATION: This chapter is dedicated to** InsaneGrizzlies **because she's been with me from the beginning (my first ever reviewer, I think) and still supports me even when it sucks. Also to **huss'n'kisses** aka my buffalowash Miranda for always being amazing. Probably because we're both genius ninjas with great hair. And we're champion krumpers. What.**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight, Jackie Chan, Oompa Loompas, Harriet Tubman, Greek Mythology, the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series (though I wish I did…or at least I could have Logan Lerman –sigh- Although I already basically own him…considering we spent the entire WEEK together (take that Miranda, I own.)), 300, the Michael Jackson joke from Family Guy, Barbies, RPGs, and The One Ring To Rule Them All. HOWEVER, I do in fact own Vampire Ninja Waffle, all the OCs in this story and all the personalities of the characters presented, and any plagiarizing the following content violates the copyright law of the website, which states that the following property is mine and mine alone and any attempt to steal will be dealt with most severely. In other words, IMMA WOOP YO ASS. Thank you.

ALSO: There's a comment in there about 'Scott'. That's my science teacher, Mr. Scott, and the comment is about something he said about string. It was somewhere along the lines of "You can never have too much string. Some day you're going to need string, and you won't have any, and you'll be _really_ mad." Because that's the kind of awesome things that he says randomly. He also says that his grandmother's advice to young girls is 'A kiss is an upper persuasion for a lower invasion'. Yes, my grade nine science teacher at my CATHOLIC school said this to a room of fourteen-year-olds. (except me, I'm fifteen :D) God, I love science class. Except Jill's being a douche because of stupid Cassidy. Damn you Cassidy. You know what, I think you'll die this. Yeah. I'm going to make you die a brutal death…

ANYWAY…

ON WITH THE CHAPTER!

* * *

**Chapter I-Forget-How-Many-There-Are-In-This-Damn-Story: We Loose Some Unwanted Plot Development and Gain Some Unwanted Plot Structure**

**Jeff:** Yo, yo, yo, what's up mah ho?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You're trying the gangster angle again?

**Jeff:** Maybe…you gotta problem with that, home boy?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You're sad.

**Jeff:** You know how I do.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Oh yes, I do…

**Jeff:** WOAH! SLASH INNUENDO RIGHT THERE.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Like they haven't heard it before.

**Jeff:** Still…this is a children's show…

**Mr. Kittywhale:** It's rated T, numbnuts.

**Jeff:** So…we can swear?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** We've always been allowed to swear.

**Jeff:** You're shitting me.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** You just swore. Have you been yelled at?

…

**Jeff:** Dammit! This is bullshit! I thought we were supposed to tone down the language for the kids!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Hah, you're such a loser.

**Jeff:** Fuck this. I'll be in my dressing room with a bottle of tequila and my broken heart. –leaves-

**Mr. Kittywhale:** He's so melodramatic. Speaking of dramatic…on to the show!

(Cuts to Castle Volterra)

**Aro:** And then the whale comes out of nowhere and is just like 'Do I know you?' and I'm all like 'Chyeah, we were in How To Take Over The World class together!' and he's all like 'Oh yeah! Bro I remember you! You failed, dude. You failed.' And so now I'm insulted, so I sliced him in half with my nun chucks, 'cause I can do that 'cause I'm ninja, and now he's all dead.

**Dimitri:** Cool. Are you done?

**Aro:** No. So then this actual ninja comes out and is all like 'Dude, you just totally stole my nun chuck move' and I'm like 'Who are you, Jackie Chan?' and he's like 'Well, yeah' and I'm like 'Holy mother of all things ninja, it's Jackie Chan' and he's like 'Give me back my nun chucks' and I'm like 'EAT CHUCK!' and I totally killed him and ate his remains.

**Dimitri:** …You killed Jackie Chan.

**Aro:** It gets better! So this Oompa Loompa pops out of a random vortex in the ground and is like 'Where's your ninja licence?' and I looked in my pocket and I actually had a ninja licence, so I gave it to him but he thought it was fake, so he chased me around the pavilion until I found this secret passageway that I escaped from, where I found Harriet Tubman who apparently didn't actually die, because she's secretly the Greek goddess of famous Americans, and the passageway led to Olympus, so I chilled with the gods for a while and we had some grapes and shit, and then this demon pops out of the ground and he's all 'GAH IMMA EAT CHOO' and we're all like 'WTF?' but then Percy Jackson pops out of the ground all swords and coolness, and he's like 'THIS IS SPARTA' even though it's totally not, but who's going to tell him that, and he chops the demon in half then drops through a trapdoor in the floor, so I follow him and we end up in this magical land where everything is made of cats, but I still had that dog with me from part seven, so everyone starts calling me a traitor and takes me away to burn at the stake, but I'm a vampire ninja so there's no way that shit's gonna stop me, and then when they find out fire doesn't kill me I become their new king, and it's totally rocking and I can have any woman I want and stuff, so RIGHT when I'm about to nail this totally hot Amazonian chick, Michael Jackson bursts into the room and shouts 'I'M NOT COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET! IT'S NICE IN HERE!' and then the dream ended.

**Dimitri:** …Wow, you're an idiot.

**Aro:** So, what was your best dream?

**Dimitri:** The one where you die and I become ruler of the universe.

**Aro:** Oh Dimitri, you make me laugh.

**Alec:** So, what are you all up to?

**Aro:** ALEXANDER WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT INTERRUPTING HEART-TO-HEARTS?

**Alec:** That I'm…not supposed to?

**Aro:** You know, if I had some string right now, I would tie you to the ceiling. Damn, Scott was right. I am angry.

**Alexa:** WHAT'S UP MY HOME SKILLET?

(Aro and Alec speak at the same time)

**Aro:** WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A HEART-TO-HEART!

**Alec:** BISCUIT HITLER?

**Alexa:** HITLER BISCUITS! Sorry, Aro, you were saying?

**Aro:** You people are insufferable. YOU WILL HAVE YOUR COMEUPPANCE! **(A/N: Lmao Miranda, if you're reading this :P)**

**Alec:** Yo, Aro. Chillax.

**Aro:** I WILL NOT CHILLAX!

**Alexa:** Is this going to be another 'Aro speaks in all caps' chapter?

**Aro:** I hate you all.

**Alexa:** Aww, I love you too snookums.

**Aro:** How did she end up in this story, anyway?

**Alec:** Desperate plot development.

**Aro:** That doesn't mean she has to stay in the castle.

**Alexa:** Ouch, Aro. Hurtful. I'm hurt.

**Aro:** Oh, I'll hurt you more if you don't shut up. You're just a mortal, after all.

**Alexa:** God, Aro, we discussed this in earlier chapters. I'm super and I'm human and that makes me superhuman.

**Aro:** You're still not immortal.

**Alexa:** Well. I can tell when I'm not wanted. I guess I'm just not wanted by anybody. I'll leave then.

(Alexa exits Castle Volturi for good)

**Alec:** Now look what you've done, dumbshit. The only decent desperate plot development around here, and you HAVE to send her away.

**Aro: **Who actually liked her, anyway?

**Dimitri:** EVERYONE. You're the one we hate.

**Aro:** Well…there are better desperate plot developments.

**Dimitri:** Like who? You're arsonist daughter?

(Cuts to clip of Skittles standing over a burning pile of Barbies)

**Skittles:** Burn…BURN!

**Marcus:** NOT MY BARBIES! YOU'RE A MONSTER!

(Back to present)

**Alec:** Or the fact that I'm actually a woman?

**Dimitri:** Or the he-she's psychotic squawking hedgehog child?

**Alec:** Hey. Woah. Hold up. I'm a transvestite, not a he-she.

**Dimitri:** Alexa was the only moderately sane one (which isn't saying much) and we'd like her back.

**Aro:** Well, I don't want her back. So now, it's time for a distraction!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Did someone say distraction?

**Alec:** VAMPIRE NINJA WAFFLE!

**Dimitri:** After several months of randomly having disappeared, you've finally returned to us!

**Alec:** Never mind what we said about Alexa being the most sane plot development. We forgot about Vampire Ninja Waffle.

**Aro:** I thought you would feel that way. So, Vampire Ninja Waffle, what happened to your companion?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Vampire Jillybean? She was sucked into Cassidy-land, so now I'm not speaking to her.

**Alec:** Cassidy-land? What's that?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** It's a dark and evil land where people who are total tools think everyone likes them when secretly they're hated and bitches steal other peoples' best friends and try to change them.

**Aro:** Well, how can we rescue her?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** The only way is if we defeat their ruler, Queen Bitch Cassidy Arseface.

**Alec:** Is this going to be a quest? It sounds like a quest to me.

**Aro:** Indeed, it is similar wording to that of a quest.

**Dimitri:** Oh God, don't tell me everything's going to get all RPG again.

**Aro:** Rocket Propelled Grenade?

**Alec:** No, Role Playing Game you fool.

**Aro:** I'm not going to ask how you know that. At any rate, we must assemble a travel team for our adventure. We'll meet in the Conference Room in thirty minutes with the people we've recruited.

(Thirty minutes later…)

**Aro:** Alright, let's see what we've got here…

Adventurers

Aro – self-proclaimed leader

Dimitri – voice of reason

Alec – contradiction to voice of reason

Vampire Ninja Waffle – navigator

Skittles – entertainment

Marcus – village fool

Caius – distraction

Mr. Blue – exclusive on-site therapist

Jane – buffalo

Colonel MJMD – on-site gangster

Supplies

Matches

Bomb apparatus

Parachutes

Shark bait

**String** (because you never know when you'll need it)

Compass

Map

The one ring to rule them all

Caius's leotard

Brutus

A cape

Hand sanitizer

**Aro:** That sounds good to everyone?

**Alec:** There's one thing missing…but since you kicked Alexa out, we can't have our on-site ninja.

**Dimitri:** You slimy bastard.

**Aro:** Oh look! Another distraction!

(Hologram appears of Queen Bitch Cassidy Arseface)

**Bitch:** You foolish mortals think you can steal Jillybean back from _me_?

**Aro:** Actually, Miss Evil Bitch Lady, we're vampires. We're not mortal.

**Bitch:** Oh. Well, you can't steal her anyway! This is the new and _improved_ Jillybean, and you can never have her back! I'm going to corrupt her and make her a bitch for the rest of eternity!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** EPIC NOOOOOO! Jillybean, come back to me my love!

**Bitch:** Mwahaha, it's too late. She's already been sucked into the vortex of Cassidy-land.

**Jillybean:** Like, oh my god, everyone totally loves me even though I'm annoying as hell!

**Alec:** That's not that bad…

**Jillybean:** I'm going to become a new person and completely ignore the people who have been friends with me for years so that I can pay attention to Cassidy, who is super cool and smart and awesome!

**Alec:** …Okay, it's bad.

**Bitch:** Haha! Fools! You will never win!

(Hologram fades)

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** What are we going to do now?

**Alec:** Whatever it takes.

**Aro:** I do not like that woman's tone of voice.

**MJMD:** She's not a woman, she's a man-whore who deserved to be punched in the face multiple times. Preferably by me.

**Dimitri:** Well then you know what we have to do, right?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** What?

**Dimitri:** I can't believe I'm saying this, but…it's time to kick some role-playing ass.

* * *

**Ta-da!**

**Okay, so this starts the in-story series I like to call "Smack a Bitch". I like to think that now there's a point to the plot, it won't take me so long to plan out chapters…meh, we'll see. Sorry if it's not some peoples' style, but I just want to poke fun at the 'Cassidy is a bitch' situation that me and Miranda are currently having a crisis about…so yeah.**

**As you know, several chapters ago I was added into the story as a desperate plot development. (back in my more juvenile days. The stuff now is totally hardcore.) Anyway, the person in the story is almost nothing like my real self – well, obviously partially like my real self, since I created her – but I liked the character that my counterpart became and kept her in the story. Sorry if that annoyed some people. I think of her as a completely different character, not me, but it's too late to change the name, so…yeah. Anyway, I was just taken out of the story. But, little known to the characters of Aro the Arotastic, the plot development being taken out of the story is a plot development in itself, which will lead to another plot development…and basically I like to say 'plot development'. So I think the point of this was to explain the situation to you, because some of the things I do are completely random but some of them, like this, actually have a point.**

**Anyway, I've rambled for too long (I'm such a tool) and I have to go straighten my hair and somehow manage to make myself beautiful.**

**Love Forever,**

**-Alexa**


	31. The Adventure Begins, Got Any Gum?

**Hey guys! Yeah, so…I was going to update this earlier in my March Break (hurray for Canada!) but the beginning of this week I was a lot busier than I am now. And, since it's one in the morning (almost two) and I'm wide awake, I figure the least I can do is write another chapter for you guys. Just because I love you the most. (Don't tell the others, ESPECIALLY Maelstrom readers because then they won't review at all. But I'm mad at them because most of them don't review. Chapter 9 got ZERO. That's bullshit. I deserve better.)**

**ANYWAY! I just finished reading Fang (Maximum Ride 6!) the other day at like 3 in the morning, and now I can't bring myself to get emotionally attached to another book. I mean, Fang was amazing. The end was so sad/romantic that I literally bawled my eyes out. I probably would have been sobbing, but I was trying to restrain myself because it was late and I was trying not to make any noise. But seriously, I've never cried that hard at a book. Not even when Mason died in Frostbite. Although, when Mason dies, it's kind of just like he's alive, and then he's not, and you have no idea what the hell just happened until you go back and read it again. It's like he's in the sunlight, then the second he steps out to save Rose BAM Isaiah has killed him. Damn Isaiah. I would resurrect you repeatedly just to kill you again. I freaking loved Mason. Not in the way I love Adrian…more in the way I love Christian. But anyway, when he died I kind of just sat there with a WTF expression on my face for about seven minutes. Literally. My mouth was open and everything. Then I threw a water bottle at the ground and started yelling. The I kept reading. It was horrible.**

**Yeah, I should try and shut up more often.**

**DEDICATIONS! To all of you peoples, for being great. I'm so totally stunned at how many hits this story has. I mean sure, there's stories out there that get tens of thousands, whereas this only has like 6000, but to me, that's pretty darn amazing. To **harryhermioneforeverandever** who I beta for, for being just as upset as I was when Annabeth and Percy don't kiss in the movie and for ruining volumes 3 and 4 of Vampire Diaries the exact same way I did and making me laugh. To **imp776** for being just as OCD as I am about grammar, and reviewing all the time, which makes me feel good about myself :) To **InsaneGrizzlies** YET AGAIN for being generally awesome all the time and always giving me long reviews with support and stuff. It makes my day. AND FINALLY to **hugss'n'kisses** aka my bestest friend Miranda, for shitting some bricks, spelling COMEUPPANCE with the word Muppets in there somewhere, hating Cassidy just as much as I do and being the only one who totally understands the references I'm making in these chapters, for making Rock Alexa who will totally eat cha, and just for generally being the awesomest person in the world, even when I want to punch you in the face.**

* * *

**Chapter 26: The Adventure Begins…Sort Of. Oh, By the Way…Got Any Gum?**

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Welcome back, folks! I was going to be doing the intro to the show alone today, because Jeff is still distressed about finding out he didn't have to act like a total jackass this entire time and has now replaced his tequila with Russian vodka…but guess who decided to join me!

**Gustaff:** I hate you for this.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** It's Gustaff, the Camera Guy! He very _willingly_-

**Gustaff:** COUGH COUGH

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Agreed to help me host the show.

**Gustaff:** Someone please help me. I didn't want this job.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Then why don't you just quit, since you're so much better than the rest of us?

**Gustaff:** I'm being blackmailed. If I quit, they're going to kill my family.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Hmm…yep, that sounds like our producers. The camera guy we had before you, back when me and Jeff used to host the reality show Real Live Pirates, which was a pain in the ass because I swear all of those pirates were Mexican and none of them spoke English…

**Gustaff:** Can you get to the point?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Anyway, the old camera guy had to walk to plank for trying to call the hospital to talk to his kid, who was dying of lung cancer.

**Gustaff:** That's horrible!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yeah, well, our producers are secretly Nazis. That's why they allow the 'Hitler biscuits' joke. Anyway, on with the show!

(Cuts to the gate to Cassidy-land)

**Aro:** I hate vortexes. They scare the bejeebies out of me.

**Dimitri:** 'Bejeebies'? Is that the best word you can come up with?

**Aro:** What else am I supposed to say? Would you rather I say they scare me shitless? Would that make you happy?

**Dimitri:** Not necessarily, no.

**Aro:** Dammit, Dimitri, you're so needy. Anyway, is everyone clear on the plan?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Sneak in, find our way to the castle, storm said castle, grab Vampire Jillybean, and high-tail the hell out of there.

**MJMD:** And if we have time, kill bitch-face Cassidy.

**Aro:** Right. Well, who wants to go first?

**Marcus:** -grabs Jane and throws her in-

**Aro:** Good work, my brother.

**Caius:** Will there be flowers?

**Alec:** Ummm…I don't think so, buddy.

**Caius:** Good. I'm afraid of flowers. –jumps through vortex-

**Marcus:** I'll go make sure he doesn't get himself killed.

**Aro:** Yeah, like you'd be real help against monsters or anything.

**Marcus:** -jumps in-

**Skittles:** -sighs and jumps in after him-

**Alec:** You know, I didn't realize until now that this is a really big travel group…

**Aro:** We took this many people to Mexico, didn't we?

**Alec:** I guess so…

**Aro:** Then don't contradict my plans!

**Dimitri:** If it means getting away from these two, I'm in. –jumps-

**MJMD:** Time to smack a bitch. –jumps-

**Mr. Blue:** -jumps-

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Well, this should be fun. –jumps-

**Aro:** I guess that just leaves you and me, Alec.

**Alec:** -pushes Aro in then follows after-

(In Cassidy-land)

**Dimitri:** Oh Lord, kill me now.

**Alec:** This place is horrible!

**MJMD:** This is worse than the time I got stuck inside a hat and eaten by a Keetos.

**Jane:** What the hell is a Keetos?

**MJMD:** I actually have no idea.

**Aro:** Well, my waffle-ish friend, where do we begin?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** I would assume the castle would be in the center of Cassidy-land-

**MJMD:** Since the bitch is so self-centered…

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** -so we should head toward the darkness.

**Aro:** But there are evil things lurking in the darkness…

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** That's kind of the point.

**Dimitri:** Wow, you are such a major pansy.

**Caius:** Are pansies flowers? Because I hate flowers.

**Dimitri:** Why did you invite these people?

**Aro:** They all have significant importance in my plan. Caius, for example, is the distraction.

**Caius:** OHEMJEE A BUTTERFLY!

**Aro:** See? Priceless. Not a better distraction in the world.

**Dimitri:** What about Jane?

**Aro:** I was kind of hoping we could use her as bait…and let her get eaten.

**Jane:** Oh, go choke on a catfish.

**Aro:** No time for that now. We have a captive to rescue!

(Meanwhile, in a random desert…)

**Cactus #1: **Hey, is it just me or do I see some water over there?

**Cactus #2:** Nah, that's just one of them mirages.

**Cactus #1:** I swear, if this heat keeps up imma shrivel up and turn into…well, a shriveled up cactus.

**Cactus #2:** I miss the good old days when them cowboys would come on over and be shooting stuff and whatnot.

**Cactus #1:** Yeah, that was the life.

**Cactus #2:** So…got any gum?

(And back in Cassidy-land…)

**Alec:** I think I just saw a bush move.

**Aro:** Probably another butterfly.

**Caius:** BUTTERFLY?

**Aro:** Not right now, darling. Stick to the plan.

**Dimitri:** The plan is useless. This forest goes on forever.

**Alec:** Is it just me, or is it a requirement for every RPG to have a creepy forest?

**Aro:** Well, since you're the only one nerdy enough to have ever played an RPG, and none of the rest of us have any idea what you're talking about, then yes, it is just you.

**Dimitri:** Do you always have to be such an asshole?

**Aro:** Do you always have to be such a prick?

**Alec:** Hey, hey. Settle down ladies. This isn't the time to fight.

**Aro:** I am most certainly not a lady.

**Alec:** Well, you're most certainly not a man!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** What's possessed you all that you find it necessary to be fighting at a time like this?

**Alec:** Puberty.

**Aro:** That explains it.

-a Huge Ugly Dragon-Type Thing suddenly bursts out from bushes-

**HUDTT:** Rawr! Imma eat choo!

**Dimitri:** Oh hell no. I am not dealing with this right now.

**Aro:** Alec, get the laser swords from the pack.

**Jane:** You brought _laser swords_?

**Aro:** You never know what shit will happen, Jane. This isn't our world anymore. It's hers.

**Alec:** Will a bagel work?

**Aro:** Is a bagel a laser sword, Alec? No, I don't think it is.

**MJMD:** Hey guys, I bet this is what Cassidy looks like when she wakes up in the morning.

**Marcus:** I bet that's what YOUR MOM looks like when she wakes up in the morning!

**MJMD:** Actually, it is.

**Aro:** Caius, distraction time! –pushes Caius in front of HUDTT-

**HUDTT:** RAWR! And stuff!

**Caius:** OMG I love your scales! Do you get them buffed?

**Aro:** Feel my wrath! –takes running charge at HUDTT and double slashes with laser swords-

**HUDTT:** -is PWNED-

-Victory music plays-

**Dimitri:** Un-freaking-believable.

**Alec:** WOAH! Double slash! That's, like, double the EXP!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** No it isn't, you idiot. It's the same EXP. It just looks cooler than a single slash.

**Alec:** Nerd.

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Major case of pot calling the kettle black…

**Alec:** I don't get that. Some pots are, like, silver. And now they have those nifty electric kettles that are all multicoloured and whatnot. So that saying is totally obsolete now that technology has set in.

**Dimitri:** Alec, just shut up.

**Aro:** I feel so majorly cool now that I've actually killed something worth killing.

**Jane:** You may feel majorly cool, but seeing as you're still you, the probability of actually becoming cool is a ratio of 1 to sixty-three thousand and twelve.

**Aro:** Random number, much? And jeez, Jane, the least you can do is show some respect. I could have just totally fed you to that monster, but I decided to spare you for this episode.

**Dimitri:** Well, _someone_ got eaten by the monster. We're missing two people.

(In the belly of the whale – I mean Dead Huge Ugly Dragon-Type Thing…)

**Marcus:** Hey, it's dark in here.

**Mr. Blue:** Avada Candelabra!

-everything is light-

**Marcus:** Woah, dude. How'd you do that?

**Mr. Blue:** Actually, I don't know. I just said some random words and waved my arms around a bit.

**Marcus:** So…you think they're going to get us out of here any time soon?

**Mr. Blue:** That's about as likely as Aro actually becoming cool.

**Marcus:** So we have a one in sixty-three thousand and twelve chance?

**Mr. Blue:** Precisely, good sir. But as long as we're going to be stuck here for a while…got any gum?

(And back outside the hideous beast's internal organs…)

**Aro:** Well, whoever we forgot, they must not be that important. I mean, I would notice if someone we actually needed went missing.

-random pterodactyl swoops down, grabs Jane, and flies away-

**Aro:** So, should we continue?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Aro, didn't you just see…

**Aro:** See what?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** …Never mind. We continue into the darkness of the forest.

(Several hours later…)

**Alec:** You know, that Narnia place isn't really that impressive. If I had a nickel for every time I met a talking beaver, I would have twenty-nine cents.

**Dimitri:** You mean thirty?

**Alec:** No. I have to deduct a point from the one beaver because he was a fan of Robert Pattinson.

**Aro:** You mean the guy who never brushes his hair?

**Alec:** Yeah, that one.

**Dimitri:** Hey guys, I think I see a light up ahead.

**Aro:** Seriously? That soon? We've only been traveling for like three quarters of an episode!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** It's not going to be that easy, Aro.

**Aro:** What do you mean?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** I mean, we've still got a long way to go. This is only the beginning.

**Aro:** How could you possibly know that? You don't even have a map.

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** The fruitcake told me.

**Aro:** Well, that explains everything.

(Cuts to White Room)

**Mr. Kittywhale:** What a way to end an episode! A semi-interesting battle, some people eaten, and absolutely no plot development!

**Gustaff:** This is absolutely, beyond a doubt, the _worst_ show that has ever aired on television.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Yes, Gustaff, but it's vampires. Vampires are totally hot right now.

**Gustaff:** Yeah, hot _young_ vampires with killer smiles and dashing charm. These are a bunch of lame wannabe heroes attempting things they would have no possible way of surviving if they weren't immortal.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** _Yes_, Gustaff, we get the point. BUT…they have a talking vampire ninja waffle.

**Gustaff:** And the appeal of that is…

**Mr. Kittywhale:** God, no wonder you have no friends. I can't even stand to be around you anymore. I'm going to steal some of Jeff's vodka. –leaves-

**Gustaff:** If anyone needs me, I'll be out "cliff diving". And Twilight fangirls, keep your pants on. It's just a New Moon reference. That's not even the one with Edward in it.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** -distantly- Ahh, so you DO like sparkly vampires?

**Gustaff:** They don't pay me enough for this job.

**Replacement Camera Guy:** Hey Gustaff, got any gum?

* * *

**SO…you know the drill.**

**What do you think? Big yes? Epic no? Are you wondering if this story will ever have a point to it?**

**If you actually considered the last one, I would recommend you save yourself some trouble and go "cliff diving" with Gustaff.**

**By the way, GUSTAFF! Does anyone remember him from the first chapters? Oh, I missed him. He's the Gary to my Roamin the Paladin.**

**Yeah…don't pretend to have any idea what I'm talking about. But if any of you actually do…I've had the Unforgotten Realms background music (the one they play when people are like explaining stuff to each other or something) stuck in my head while writing about half of this episode.**

**Anyway…review! Please? I'll love you forever!**

…**I need to come up with better bargaining chips.**


	32. Jedi's and Pickup Lines

**So…**

**One day there was a bird. This was a magical bird that sang all day. It had many jolly frolicking happy prancing friends that sang songs of joy and happiness. Whenever they flew by the flowers they became happy too. Then everything died. Now doesn't that just turn you on?**

**That's a pick-up line, if you didn't catch on. Because I didn't. I mean, depressing much? Yet somehow…I think I might be turned on.**

**Nah, I'm just joshin ya.**

**Anyway, thanks to people who reviewed. You guys make my life. And the rest of you…well, thanks for reading anyway. Although I would prefer some reviews…**

**And to **imp776** about the date thing: Honestly, I forgot. But now that you mention it…I have plans in store for that. –cackles-**

**For future reference, only I may cackle.**

**Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to the bitch not being back from March Break yet. I hope she gets swine flu and dies so I can resurrect her and throw her down into a pit with that huge monster thing from the old Star Wars.**

**I made a song about Cassidy's absence, and I would like to serenade you all.**

**Ding, dong, the bitch is gone, I hope she's dead, it'd be more fun. Ding, dong, the wicked bitch is gone!**

**That's all I have so far. But isn't it a great song?**

**Anyway, ON WITH THE CHAPTER AND WHATNOT! (I just wanted to say whatnot.)**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWNETY-SEVEN: SMACK A BITCH SERIES**

**Episode Two: In Which I Wouldn't Recommend Being A Jedi**

**Jeff:** Hey all, it's me again.

**Gustaff:** Don't say that Jeff, you'll scare all the viewers away. All ten of them.

**Jeff:** -chucks shoe at Gustaff-

**Gustaff:** Ow!

**Jeff:** Take it like a bitch, Gustaff.

**Gustaff:** …What?

**Jeff:** Well, if you all noticed, Mr. Kittywhale is not here today.

**Gustaff:** And I can't believe I'm saying this, but right now I wish I were him.

**Jeff:** Can you stop interrupting me?

**Gustaff:** Oh please. Bite me bambi.

**Jeff:** Wow. They told me you were easy, but I didn't know they meant you'd go as far as _begging_.

**Gustaff:** There's no way they're paying me enough for this. I demand a raise!

**Jeff:** Anyway, as I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, Mr. Kittywhale is sick today. He has narwalrus pox. It's like chicken pox, but you get it from narwalruses.

**Gustaff:** What the hell is a narwalrus?

**Jeff:** Watch the episode and you'll find out, young pad wan.

(Cuts to Cassidy-land)

**Alec:** …So the Papa Tomato says to the Baby Tomato, "KETCHUP!"

**Aro:** …I don't get it.

**Alec:** Well, see-

**Dimitri:** Let's not spend three days explaining things to Aro again.

**Aro:** What's that supposed to mean?

**Dimitri:** Look, a distraction!

-giant Narwalrus appears out of thin air-

**Aro:** Okay, these random monsters appearing out of thin air are really pissing me off. I mean, there's no logic to this storyline at all.

**Dimitri:** Wow, I never thought I'd see the day YOU start to care about logic.

**Aro:** I never thought I'd see the day you grew out of puberty. Oh, look! I didn't.

**Dimitri:** You're such a bitch.

**Aro:** You know you love it.

**Alec:** I do…

-silence-

**Narwalrus:** Umm, gay much?

**Alec:** I'm actually a woman.

**Narwalrus:** OHHH dude I totally get it. Everyone totally thinks I'm a manatee, but it's like so totally clear that I'm not.

**Alec:** Yeah…right…

**Narwalrus:** Too bad you're not a dude. You're a total studmuffin.

**Alec:** …Thank you?

**Narwalrus:** Np, np. Anyway, I'm totes sorry for this, but I totally have to eat you now. I've been, like, searching this forest for, like, EVAR, and, like, I couldn't find anything that fit into my low-carb diet. But you would like totally be considered low-carb. So Imma eat you.

**Alec:** Umm…Aro? Help?

**Aro:** Vampire Ninja Waffle – what's my best method of attack?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Well it would help if we had the element of surprise, but since you're about as stealthy as an elephant, that won't work.

**Alec:** Umm…guys…I don't like being digested.

**Narwalrus:** I totally know, like, right? It's, like, so depressing.

**Alec:** Are you by any chance from the Valley?

**Narwalrus:** Does it show? I thought chilling in this forest would get rid of my tan, cuz, like, tans are SO not in right now, and, like, the forest is all dark, but it didn't work, and I look like such a Mexican. **(No offense to any readers)**

**Alec:** Yeah…it was the tan that tipped me off…

**Narwalrus:** Are you being, like, sarcastic? Cuz, like, that's so totally hot right now. OMG you're such a studmuffin hun.

**Alec:** 'Hun'?

**Aro:** So what's my strategy?

**Dimitri:** Well, what was the original plan?

**Aro:** Fight.

**Dimitri:** And Plan B?

**Aro:** Run?

**Dimitri:** That would work.

**Alec:** I DON'T WANT TO BE NARWALRUS LUNCH!

**Narwalrus:** Like, relax. I'm, like, part narwhal, which means, like, I'm totally the Jedi of the sea.

**Alec:** Why should I be relaxed by that?

**Narwalrus:** Haven't you ever wanted to be inside a Jedi?

**Alec:** Oh gods, yes. More than you know.

**Narwalrus:** …ew.

**Aro:** We can't leave Alec. He's my only friend.

**Dimitri:** Ouch.

**Aro:** You only hang around because you're forced to.

**Dimitri:** Still, I thought we had something special.

**Aro:** That doesn't matter now, Dimitri. Nothing matters but Alec. Before Alec, my life was like a moonless night…

**Dimitri:** -sighs- And I can't fight an eclipse.

**Aro:** So we're agreed?

**Dimitri:** I'm still voting Plan B.

**Aro:** Plan B is shit, Dimitri.

**Dimitri:** But-

**Aro:** Do I have to call your mother?

**Dimitri:** -is scared- No. Not mother.

**Aro:** Good. Alec, darling! I will save you! Vampire Ninja Waffle, throw me that backpack!

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** When did I suddenly become a slave? –throws-

**Aro:** Now, what is this backpack useful for?

**Backpack:** Hi there!

**Aro:** OHMYFLIPPINGJESUSTURKEY.

**Backpack:** I'm Backpack!

**Aro:** This reminds me of that dream I had where inanimate objects took over the world. It was HORRIBLE.

**Backpack:** What can I help you with?

**Aro:** I need a weapon. Preferably something that can be used to kill a giant talking narwalrus.

**Backpack:** Should you use a turtle, a toaster, or an Electro Double-Scythe with rotating interchangeable blades?

**Aro:** Hmmm…let me think about it…

**Alec:** -is eaten-

**Dimitri:** Umm…Aro?

**Aro:** Turtle wouldn't work. Turtles have an alliance with narwalruses.

**Turtle:** It's true! Our people have been a peaceful kind since the age of the Snow Fish!

**Alec:** -muffled by Narwalrus stomach- Aro? Help?

**Aro:** Toaster wouldn't be good either. Toasters hate Alec.

**Toaster:** I hate Alec. Almost more than I hate English muffins. Do you have any idea how long those bastards take to get just the right amount crispy? I swear, I've been yelled at by more Tim Hortons workers than any toaster should ever have to meet.

**Aro:** Shut up, Toaster. No one wants to hear angry monologues from household appliances, or else this show would be The Amazing Adventures of Wally the Wal-Mart.

**Toaster:** I would watch that.

**Aro:** I'm gonna go with the scythe.

**Backpack:** Can I also interest you in a lollipop? They're free!

**Dimitri:** Aro, what did your mother tell you about taking candy from strangers?

**Aro:** No thanks, Miss.

**Backpack:** I'm a dude.

**Aro:** Whoops…AWKward…

**Alec:** ARO GET ME OUT OF THIS MANATEE RIGHT NOW OR IMMA COME OUT THERE AND FIND YOU!

**Aro:** Well, that would be a much cleaner way to get you out…

**Alec:** THIS BATTLE SCENE HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH!

**Aro:** Well, I wouldn't really call it a "battle scene"…but okay. I catch your drift.

**Alec:** Will you hold onto it?

**Aro:** I…what?

**Alec:** My drift. Will you hold onto it?

**Dimitri:** Just say yes.

**Aro:** Yes?

**Alec:** I knew I could count on you, my love.

**Aro:** DOUBLE ELECTRIC SCYTHE ATTACK! –slashes Narwalrus in half-

**Narwalrus:** Like, le NOOOO! STUDMUFFIN!!! –dies-

**Alec:** -steps out of Narwalrus- You don't ever want to be in one of those.

**Aro:** I thought you always wanted to be inside a Jedi?

**Alec:** That, my friend, was NOT a Jedi. There were like GREMLINS in there. Lots of them. It was SO violating the Health Code.

**Dimitri:** Hey, am I the only one who's noticed half our group has disappeared?

**Alec:** In role-playing it's called a 'party'.

**Dimitri:** -mumbles-

**Alec:** What was that?

**Dimitri:** I said 'your mom is a party'.

….

**Alec:** Dimitri made a joke.

**Aro:** I thought sense of humour comes _after_ puberty?

**Dimitri:** Shut up. Anyway, where did everyone go?

**Aro:** You mean my peeps?

**Dimitri:** I'm about to punch you in the face.

**Aro:** How am I supposed to know where they went? Probably off to do something useful. You know, some boring shit like "finding a map" or "getting out of the forest".

(Cuts to random forest area)

**Caius:** Are you sure you know where we're going?

**Skittles:** I'm a kid. I know everything.

**MJMD:** I wonder if anyone noticed we left yet.

**Skittles:** They probably wouldn't care anyway. We're the uninteresting characters.

**Caius:** HEY! I am a very interesting portrayal of modern stupidity.

**Skittles:** Yeah, but you're not exactly USEFUL in any sense of the word.

**Caius: **Yeah, well you can just suck my-

-random trapdoor in the ground opens and they all fall in-

**Caius:** FRIED RICE AND CUCUMBERS ON A STICK! Where are we?

**Skittles:** I don't know. A cave, maybe? It's pretty dark.

**MJMD:** This is no cave.

**Skittles:** You're right. It looks more like Limbo. Just continuing nothingness.

**MJMD:** It's worse than that. We're closer to Queen Bitch than we thought.

**Skittles:** What do you mean?

**MJMD:** This is the underground realm Cassidy built for her friends.

**Caius:** Then why is it empty…oh, because she has no FRIENDS…

**Skittles:** You can't make subtle jokes with him around. He ruins everything.

**Caius:** I DO NOT! Only a moderate amount of things.

**Skittles:** God, you are SUCH an idiot.

(Cuts back to Aro and Companions)

**Alec:** So this bear and this giraffe are chillin at the zoo, and the bear turns to the giraffe and says, "So…….why the long neck?" And the giraffe says, "Why the long paws."

**Aro:** …I don't get it.

**Alec:** You know. Paws, PAUSE? It's a play on words.

**Aro:** It's retarded is what it is. Someone needs to buy you a jokebook. Dimitri, what have you got?

**Dimitri:** I just have pick-up lines.

**Aro:** Like what?

**Dimitri:** Well…What has 142 teeth and holds back The Incredible Hulk?

**Aro:** …What?

**Dimitri:** My zipper.

**Alec:** Oh my goodness, that's priceless.

**Aro:** Dimitri, that's just inappropriate.

**Dimitri:** You wanted a pick-up line. I gave you a pick-up line.

**Aro:** Well. I know who not to ask anymore.

**Alec:** Hey Dimitri.

**Dimitri:** Yes?

**Alec:** I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

**Dimitri:** Alec…my love for you burns like a Charizard's tail.

**Alec:** Hey baby, everything I'm going to do to you tonight I learned at Sea World.

**Aro:** Okay, that last one crossed the line.

**Alec: **OH GOD! OH GOD!

**Aro:** What?!

**Alec:** Just practicing.

**Dimitri:** Dude, nice.

**Aro:** You two are ridiculous. Are they not ridiculous, Vampire Ninja Waffle?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** Aro?

**Aro:** Yes?

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** What's long and hard and right behind you?

**Aro:** -turns- I don't see anything – oh. That's nasty.

**Alec:** When did you become such a prude?

**Aro:** I've seen Jane naked. That's enough to make anyone a prude.

**Dimitri:** True dat.

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** LOOK! I FLYING DISTRACTION!

**Flying Killer Whale:** DON'T LISTEN TO WATSON…HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS VISA YET, HE'S JUST AN INFIDEL.

**Aro:** Can this get any weirder?

**Cat:** Hello, Aro.

**Aro:** Oh yeah…I forgot I'm never supposed to ask that question.

**Alec:** Talking cat!

**Cat:** I'm no ordinary talking cat. I'm a werecat.

**Dimitri:** …You're shitting me.

**Cat:** But that's not all…Aro Volturi, you have some explaining to do.

(Cuts to White Room)

**Jeff:** CLIFFHANGER! Seriously, you should see the looks on you guys's faces. It's so majorly priceless.

**Gustaff:** Jeff, you couldn't know that. You can't possibly see through the camera and television into their houses.

**Jeff:** It was a joke, Gustaff. Jeez, I think I like Paul better than you.

**Gustaff:** Who's Paul?

**Camera Guy 2:** I'm Paul!

**Jeff:** He's a Jedi.

**Gustaff:** Oooh…wouldn't want to be you if Alec finds out…

(Cuts back to Volturi)

**Alec:** Someone just said Jedi.

(Back to White Room)

**Gustaff:** I would run if I were you, Paul. Run fast.

**Jeff:** Well, that's all for today, folks! Tune in next time for…yeah, blah, blah, blah.

(Cuts back to Volturi)

**Aro: **Oh...I GET IT! Tomato, KETCHUP? Paws, PAUSE! Alec, you slay me.

(FADE OUT.)

* * *

**Hey guys.**

**How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? –wink-**

**Ahh, I love my vulgar pick-up lines. Don't even ask where I got them, because I don't know. And don't ask WHY I got them, because I don't really know that either…**

**So, what did you think? Not the most exciting chapter, but I'm building up to it. You'll see. And I'm thinking of doing a big chapter too. And actually trying to be funny instead of all this filler stuff. But seriously, how many of you are comedy writers? Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with new material? After a while things start to sound repetitive and you have to somehow make up new stuff to keep people entertained, and it's SO hard. For me, anyway. I'm not the funny kid in class or anything – you know the kid who always makes jokes and when they pass you in the hallway your classmates are all like "YEAH! –INSERT NAME HERE IN YELLING VOICE-" and everyone loves you? I'm not that person. I just make sarcastic jokes from time to time. But I'm told I'm funny…sometimes. I certainly have interesting dreams.**

**And my advice of the day: Don't become a chain smoker. Chain smokers live in the desert with pet cactuses.**

**Love and Hugs,**

**- Alexa**


	33. Have a Splandiferous Day

- Potato

- man-eating donkey

- horseshoe

- cow?

- invisible flamingo squadron

- jujubes

- electric blue

- Hannibal Lector

- Anne Rice

-fried rice

- hat-blade boomerang

- deodorant?

- shoe.

- shoelaces

- flying squid

- two dogs doing it

- orangutan

-ocelot

- octopus

- octuplets

- MICHAEL PHELPS

- Luke is gay

- hugs not drugs

- gopher vs. prairie dog

- Neville Longbottom

- podiatrist

- SPIRIT BOUND OUT IN ONE MONTH AND SEVENTEEN DAYS :O

- Miranda is a total douchebag

- Cassidy should go die in a hole

- narwhals

- narwalruses

- Carlos is my life

- so is Muffins

- pizza waffles

- why do I keep thinking about horses

- BLAZE :)

- what ever happened to Guitar Hero

- how come girls can't make that machine gun noise with their teeth like guys can

- I miss Brian :(

- BRADEN IS A FAGGOT.

- Luke is still gay

- periwinkle

- Perry the Platypus

- Hot Topic

- To Write Love On Her Arms (makes me cry)

- CHILDS GAMES!

- drama class is sometimes gay

- N-WORD PILE! (not meant in a racist way, believe me. Apparently that's what you used to yell when playing keepaway)

- paging Dr. Faggot

- girls chase boys/boys chase girls was a dumb game and I'm ashamed we played it in grade 3

- I once stole a single piece of unflavoured popcorn from a Kernels stand in the mall. It was totally badass.

- don't hate, appreciate

- davedays can actually sing

- FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS IS MY REASON FOR BEING.

- I still have Becca's green action figure guy.

- I have a leprechaun hat.

- Did I mention Luke is a fag?

- where is the game board for The Game of Life?

- it's getting hot in here but I'd prefer to keep my clothes on.

- Miranda is my buffalowash.

- peer pressure is uncool

- grade 8s are all whores (sorry to offend anyone out there, it's a joke)

- cats.

- WALMART!

- Godzilla?

- Adam's Pokemon in Religion made my day today.

- what does the movie Signs have to do with Religion?

- is it recycling day tomorrow?

- I wish I knew someone named Fred

- if I was a guy I'd change my name to Douglass Weinchester

- Braden should stop telling people his name is Chico

- Miranda is on crack

- Jackie thought I was high today and it made me laugh.

- my hair is too short

- why can't octopuses have 9 legs instead of 8

- elves

-turkey

-turquois

- the colour purple

- Deep Purple

- Smoke on the Water

- I MISS MY COUSIN MASON

- I want to visit India

- Geography is pointless

- cats will one day rule the world

- wish I had some string

- camera

- HOOOLMESSSS!!!! (Holmes)

- I've been beta reader for some pretty freaking awesome people. :)

- Italian

- Chinese

- Chinese food

- squid tastes like onion rings

- Dairy Queen has good onion rings

- now I want a blizzard

- I hope mom buys ice cream

- and some cool whip

- I like how Stewie from Family Guy says 'cool whip'

- ruined

- THE BURIED LIFE IS MY FAVOURITE SHOW :)

- why do I keep yelling

- Hallelujah I'm a bum

- what kind of name is Juve for a play about high school

- wtf

- ftw

- wtf backwards is ftw

- paper airplanes

- I fly like paper get high like planes

- that was a good song before it got overplayed

- I want an iPod touch

- my cell phone gets shut off in two weeks :(

- Gregg might get me a cell phone :)

- he's not a total dick but he's still a tool.

- I want an LG Rumour 2

- JONES

- my brother is retarded.

- Spanish who are from South America are insulted if you call them Mexican

- we call Francisco Mexican :D

- he gets mad

- I want some Grey Goose

- scratch that I want some Russian vodka

- I don't know what I'm talking about, I've never had alcohol in my life except a sip of my mom's Smirnoff Twisted Raspberry

- Miranda has because she's a total whore.

- I'm saying 'total whore' with the box for my Bible right next to me

- I'm going to Hell

- PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

- he was bound to love you when he heard you sing

- you will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you

- Gerard Butler is sexy

- I've seen Phantom of the Opera too many times

- HARRY POTTER IS THE SHIT.

- I need to start a new chapter of this

- my thoughts are getting repetitive

- my cat is wheezing in his sleep like the cat from A Mango-Shaped Space, a book that made me cry

- oh, and if you didn't get it yet…

This chapter is an April Fools joke.

Yeah, I got bored and realized I haven't pranked a single person all day and the day is almost over! So, what better victim than my poor, naïve readers? Don't hate me, it's all in the spirit of fun.

Okay, so that whole thing is basically my entire span of thought for the last…fifteen minutes, I'd say. I have issues. And notice, not a single thought was perverted, because I am a good girl.

April Fools.

Nah, I seriously wasn't perverted though. Probably because I'm hyper and I'm never perverted when I'm hyper. Which is weird. I mostly just yell at television sets and sing really loudly.

Did anyone in the Eastern, Atlantic (or whatever it is, I don't remember :S), Newfoundland (that's the other one, right?) or Central time zone watch Vampire Diaries? Do you agree that Jeremy is an idiot? Because I was all like "DON'T DO IT JEREMY! DON'T DO IT! YOU'RE SO DUMB!" I actually yelled that. No one was home, so I can pretty much do whatever I want. Also, the next episode looks TOTALLY kick-ass.

Well…I think I'm done rambling for now.

Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it (I know non-Christian people celebrate Easter, but if there are any who don't, well, have a super awesome weekend and if I knew you I'd give you some chocolate) and, in the words of my drama teacher, stay sober.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Anyway, I hope you all have some splandiferous times this weekend and in the rest of your life, and hope you had some good times on this holy day of pranking.

Hey, it's Maunday (or however you spell it) Thursday - which for those of you who don't know is Holy Thursday, the day Jesus had supper with his disciples and told them someone would betray him and stuff, and did the breaking of the bread thing – and it's also April Fool's Day. On a day that all Christian people should be respectful and praying and stuff, we're also pulling pranks. Some of them are mean pranks too. This guy at my school broke up with his girlfriend as a prank. Also, this one girl is telling her dad she's pregnant. I go to school with some effed-up people. (I refrain from dropping the f-bomb on such a holy day, since I am Protestant and all.)

Anyway…once again, have a splandiferous day, and just keep on being wonderful.

Lots of Love Forever and Ever,

Alexa :)

PS – review and tell me some good pranks people pulled today, because I got a total of 3 pranks pulled on me today, and one of them wasn't really a prank technically. I was told in Science that the test I studied for was cancelled (which it wasn't, and I didn't believe for a second it was), I was told I had a pop quiz in Drama and the last question of the quiz was "Define April Fools", and Braden offered me candy and then took it away at the last minute, but it didn't really count because he gave me some anyway. So, what did you guys do or have done to you? That sounds wrong. See, my hyperness is going away. I'm perverted again.

PPS - I meant to spell it SPLANdiferous. It's copyrighted to Destery from DesandNate on youtube, who makes my life. Why does his boss have a black guy voice? I don't know. But it's pretty freaking awesome.


	34. Vampires Can SO Eat Fruit

**Happy Write Love On Your Arms Day, folks! Yeah, some trampy, airheaded bitch in my friend's dance class today wrote it on her arms, and when the other girls asked her what it was for she apparently replied, "Oh it's to help the sad emo kids not be so emo." How completely **_**ignorant**_** can you be? Personally, I wrote it on my arms because it's a cause I support 100 percent, given that I myself and other people in my family have struggled with depression, and I know how hard it gets and how much easier it would be to escape. Trust me, **_**I know.**_** But from personal experience I know the shattered remains that suicide can leave a family in, and even though it's not suicide in every case, there's always the potential for it. And it's ignorance like that that started the cause in the first place, so that people who don't know can understand and help other people who are suffering.**

**Anyway…on a happier note, I'm updating! Yeah, I don't know how you go from that to a lighter mood, but if it can be done, I'll do it. That's my determination kicking in. And my lack of modesty. See, you might not have caught on yet, but I'm one arrogant bitch, let me tell you. I might not vocalize it, but I'm full of internal self-praise. I don't know if anyone else got this, but I'm kind of the shit, so…it's understandable, right?**

**Pff. Cocky asshole.**

**Anyway, we can stop talking about me now. Though I'm sure you're all **_**thoroughly**_** fascinated.**

**Oh, guess what I did today? (So much for not talking about me.) I was sick and stayed home, so I got to read Destined for an Early Grave. Started this morning, finished this afternoon. BONES IS MY LIFE. But so is Vlad. God, these fictional men will be the death of me. "The shit's gonna splatter, start buggin', yo." The line in itself is funny, but when taken into context, and the fact that MENCHERES was saying it…damn, that made my day. Actually, that made my life. Every time I think about it I laugh. Repeatedly. I died inside in a good way at that line.**

**Oh, and I hope Gregor burns in hell. Just saying**

**But oddly, every time his name is mentioned I just think of the line in City of Bones: "We can't go picking up every pile of dust in the place just in case it turns out to be Gregor in the morning." "Gregor will be fine. I rarely sweep." If only Magnus was real. He pretty much makes up for every bad thing that's ever happened in my whole life.**

**ANYWAY. I'm done ranting now. Jeez, this wouldn't happen if I weren't so lonely, and I wouldn't be lonely if I wasn't freaking exiled in the middle of farm town. And I would probably be okay being trapped in the house all day if I didn't have to hear my mom's idiotic boyfriend repeating himself eight hundred million times a second and making ridiculous jokes that only people with absolutely no sense of humour would find funny. I, having a tremendously good sense of humour, am **_**NOT AMUSED**_**.**

**Okay, ah….on with the chapter?**

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: SMACK A BITCH SERIES**

**Episode Three: Vampires Can **_**SO**_** Eat Fruit**

**Jeff: **Hello everyone!

**Gustaff:** Yeah. Hi. I'm still here.

**Jeff:** Whether that's due to Mr. Kittywhale's continued absence or your sudden raise in paycheck, we have yet to determine.

**Gustaff:** On with the playful banter already? Well, I'll have you know that you couldn't pay me enough money to be here of my free will.

**Jeff:** Or could I?

**Gustaff:** No. You couldn't.

**Jeff:** Ouch. He's a cold bitch. And I host a TV show about _vampires_.

**Gustaff:** I'm not in the mood for your idiocy, so can we please just move on today?

**Jeff:** You're rudeness is testing my patience, young grasshopper.

**Gustaff:** I thought good things come to those who wait?

**Jeff:** Unless those 'good things' involve handsome men in swimsuits, then I don't give a rat's ass about patience.

**Gustaff:** We'll cut to the show now before you further poison the viewer's minds with your foul-mouthing.

(Cuts to wherever the hell Aro is now)

**Alec:** So, Aro, what's this about a date with a werecat, then?

**Aro:** Lies, I tell you.

**Cat:** Bah. I don't lie. I'm a cat.

**Dimitri:** That's like saying I don't trip because I'm a vampire.

**Cat:** Well, you don't.

**Dimitri:** …Point taken.

**Cat:** Aro and I had arranged a date a while back, but he stood me up on the night of and never returned my calls afterward.

**Aro:** I was caught up with business.

**Cat:** Bullshit. I know when you're lying. I'm a cat.

**Dimitri:** So suddenly you not only _never_ lie, but you also can detect a lie when it's spoken.

**Cat:** That's right.

**Alec:** This is confusing.

**Cat:** Life is confusing. Doesn't mean everyone else gets their tails in a bunch.

**Alec:** Tails…?

**Cat:** Shush. Now, Aro, are you planning on apologizing or am I going to have to eat you?

**Dimitri:** Now you eat people too? I've seen some f'ed up shit on this job, but a talking, truth telling, truth-detecting, man-eating werecat is something I have never seen before.

**Cat:** But you know a vampire jellybean and a talking vampire ninja waffle, so how strange can this really be?

**Aro:** Back to the point! We were supposed to date, I got busy, now you're here, I apologize, so can we all move on with our damn lives?

**Cat:** Not quite. I have something that belongs to you, but it's going to cost you.

**Aro:** No matter how many times I hear that line, I never like it. Fine, what do you want?

**Cat:** You. Legs spread.

………………………

**Cat:** Nah, I'm just joshin' ya.

**Aro:** Thank GOD. So, what do you really want?

**Cat:** A toaster, of course.

**Aro:** Of course. You werecats are all alike. I can't stand the lot of you.

**Cat:** Give me the toaster, then I'll let you rethink that sentence.

**Aro:** -gives toaster- Why would I want to rethink the sentence?

**Cat:** Because of what I owe you.

(Magical portal in the sky opens up, and a very werecat-ish Alexa falls out)

**Alexa:** Bloody interdimensional traveling. I'm pretty sure my spleen is now in my head. You owe me, PupCat.

**Alec:** Your name is PupCat?

**PupCat:** I asked her not to call me that, but yes.

**Aro:** You're a…HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

**Alexa:** Well, after you told me to take a hike I decided to hit the Bermuda Triangle. Let me tell you, there are some scary-ass mothertruckers up in that joint. But anyway, PupCat here found me and saved me from this bloody vicious narwalrus, then we got to talking. I found out she was your mystery date from however-many chapters ago, and she found out you hated my guts but I was still technically part of your guard, and we struck up an alliance based on a mutual third-party connection. It was all politics, you see.

**PupCat:** She was talking about how everyone on the team made fun of her for still being human, so I whipped out my cat-fangs and gave her a good nip, and soon enough she was a werecat.

**Alexa:** PupCat knew where to find you guys, but she said she would have to hold me hostage in order to get me back to you and apologized in advance. Anyway, I was trapped in between dimensions while you two had your little chat, and then out of the portal and into the last place on earth I would ever want to be.

**Aro:** That's a great story and everything, but we don't need her slowing us down. You can take her back.

**PupCat:** Too late, you've already made the trade. Say goodbye, Mr. Toaster! –poofs away-

**Alexa:** I hate it when people poof. It was cool when I did it, but now everyone can.

**Alec:** ANYway…that was a completely pointless sidenote.

**Alexa:** But an excellent way to make an entrance, right?

**Aro:** I'm sure it's great to have you back, kitty-cat form of Alexa, but can we please move on? I want to be out of this stupid forest by tea time.

**Alexa:** Tea time? Why, my dear old chap, you sound like the bloody British. **(Not to offend anyone who's British. I love British people. BONES, for example.)**

**Aro:** Why anyone felt the need to introduce you back into the plot I have no idea. You're such a nuisance.

**Alexa:** And you're wasting time. If we could just get a move on, I could let you all know that I have a map.

**Dimitri:** Ah, finally someone with something useful.

**Alec:** So where do we have to go?

**Alexa:** Straight.

**Aro:** …that's it?

**Alexa:** Yep. Just go straight and you'll eventually get there.

**Aro: ** do you know?

**Alexa:** I practically created alternate realms, so I know how they work. If the map says go straight, then go straight. Maps never lie.

**Dimitri:** Except the map to your heart.

………………….

**Alec:** Jeez, depressing much?

**Alexa:** Someone get him some black clothes and eye makeup.

**Dimitri:** I would never wear makeup!

**Alexa:** Really? I could picture you in some guyliner.

**Dimitri:** I can picture you getting laid, but that doesn't mean that will ever happen.

**Alexa:** Touché, good sir. But your insult won't go unchallenged. You can't fight me in a battle of words.

**Dimitri:** Why not?

**Alexa:** I'm a cat.

**Aro:** For Superman's sake, let's just go.

(After walking straight for several hours)

**Aro:** We've been walking straight, and we're not there. Mind if I challenge your logic?

**Alexa:** Just wait.

(Suddenly, the forest is gone and replaced with nothingness)

**Alexa:** See? Told you we'd get out.

**Aro:** I see that, but where are we?

**Alexa:** Protective force field. You can only get out by guessing the secret password, which changes every day. It's the best possible defense. Every creepy evil person has it.

**Alec:** Does that include the Canadian government?

**Alexa:** Yes. Yes it does.

**Dimitri:** So we have to guess our way out?

**Alexa:** Didn't I just say that?

**Aro:** Well then, start guessing words.

**Alexa:** Cat?

**Alec:** Bird?

**Dimitri:** Damn.

**Aro:** Horse?

**Alec:** Porcupine?

**Alexa:** Toaster?

**Dimitri:** Nonsense.

**Alexa:** Badger?

**Alec:** Ocelot?

**Aro:** Confederacy?

**Alexa: **Racist.

**Alec:** Applesauce?

**Dimitri:** Idiocy.

**Aro:** Horseshoe?

**Alec:** Boulder?

**Alexa:** Cantaloupe?

(Door appears out of nowhere)

**Alexa:** Cantaloupe? Really?

**Alec:** How did you know?

**Alexa:** I didn't. I was just hungry.

**Aro:** Right then. Let's move on.

(Just when they walk in a secret passageway in the floor pops up and Caius, Skittles and MJMD pop out)

**Alexa:** DUDES! WASSUP?!

**MJMD:** You're a cat now?

**Alexa: **Hell no. I'm a werecat.

**Caius:** Ah. I see the difference.

**Skittles:** Where have you guys been?

**Aro:** Around. Where have you been?

**Skittles:** In an underground tunnel. Got stopped at the force fields though. Wouldn't have made it out if it weren't for Caius.

**Caius:** The password was cantaloupe.

**Alec:** How did you know?

**Caius:** I was hungry.

**Alexa:** No shit, me too!

**Caius:** Seriously? I swear we're twins that were separated at birth.

**Alexa:** Damn straight! –high fives-

**Aro:** Well, if we're done with our reunion…Vampire Ninja Waffle, you haven't said anything lately.

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** I'm depressed.

**Alec:** Wow, that's two people on Depression Watch in one chapter.

**Alexa:** Aww, don't be so sad. Vampire Jillybean won't be trapped under Queen Bitch's spell much longer.

**Vampire Ninja Waffle:** It's not just that. I broke a nail.

**All:** -collective gasp-

**Alec:** You poor thing. We won't let the Bitch get away with this.

**Aro:** Well, we're inside the castle now, so it's only a matter of time before we get to her.

**Alexa:** And when we get to her, it's showtime. All hell breaks loose, do I make myself clear?

**Aro:** Who's in charge here?

**Alexa:** Right now, unless you want to be my bitch for the rest of our immortal lives, I'd suggest you let me lead this one time.

**Aro:** I am no bitch.

**Alexa:** Then I'm in charge. Time to storm the castle.

**Caius:** Can we eat first? That password made me hungry.

**Aro:** For the last time, Caius, you're a vampire. You don't eat fruit.

**Caius:** Nonsense, I've eaten plenty of fruits. Just ask Alec. They were _his_ friends.

**Alec:** Hey! I resent that.

**Caius:** I resent YOUR MOM!

**Aro:** Can this be more frustrating?

**Alexa:** Aro! You're never supposed to ask that question!

**Aro:** Why not?

**Alexa:** Because then the annoying-ass people come to spoil our day!

**Mystery Voice:** You mean like me?

**All:** GASP!

(Cuts to White Room)

**Jeff:** CLIFFHANGER AGAIN! God, this Authoress must REALLY not like you viewer/readers.

**Gustaff:** At least this time you didn't try to tell them you had some sort of psychic power enabling you to see them through the television.

**Jeff:** God, Gustaff, it was a JOKE! I'm not bluffing when I say I'm about to rip your head off and bring it to the producers on a silver platter.

**Gustaff:** Is that supposed to be some crude, disrespectful reference to the Bible?

**Jeff:** There won't be any Bible references for you in Hell, demon-hair.

**Gustaff:** For the last time, MY HAIR IS NOT DEMONIC.

**Jeff:** Are you sure? I saw some gremlins climb out of there the other day. I'm pretty sure that's against the Health Code.

**Gustaff:** Screw this, I'm going to kill myself.

**Jeff:** I don't think that's entirely appropriate, given that this chapter is dedicated to a cause _against_ suicide.

**Gustaff:** Can I at least run like a bat out of Hell?

**Jeff:** I think that's acceptable, yes.

**Gustaff:** Right. Bye, then. –leaves-

**Jeff:** And with that, not only am I a solo host once more, but I bid the viewers adieu. Until next time, when this show may or may not get any viewings due to it just not making sense anymore.

* * *

**So…Good? Bad? I was kind of in a hurry to get it done, so it might not be that great. Two reasons I was in a hurry: One, I felt bad about not updating since my gag April Fool's chapter; Two, I really, **_**really**_** want to update Maelstrom. It just got to the good part. That's a bit more of a selfish reason, so I'm going to say the first one is my main reason. I really did feel bad about not updating. I had a HECKLOAD of work to do lately, plus I've been working on something outside of my fanfics, plus I've been reading RIDICULOUSLY good books, plus every other weekend when I go to my dad's there's no computer so I have no way to write unless I do it by hand, but as most of you probably know that's a pain because it's slower and tends to lead to wrist cramps. PLUS I've been sick the last couple of days. In fact, right now I feel like someone ran a train over my head. I'm pretty sure it's a sinus infection. Pressure in my face in the nose area that becomes unbearable if I bend over, massive headache lurking in the background of my mind, dizziness, fatigue, my head feels like it weighs a hundred times more than the rest of my body…yep, I'd say that's pretty sick. I haven't been at school for the last few days, not for lack of trying, since I have a really huge project that I needed to do in my Geography class that I now can't finish and will definitely fail, plus if I go to school tomorrow I have a test I haven't been able to study for because I have no books, plus I have lots of work to do with my group in Drama class, plus I'm writing a report for Religion that I don't have my work for…yeah, I actually wanted to go to school this week. Go figure, the one time I actually want to be there, I can't be.**

**I AM GOING TO STOP RANTING THIS INSTANT. THIS. INSTANT.**

**Oh, but one last thing. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I made a website. Kind of lame, I know, since I'm not even hugely popular in the writing world or anything. But one day about a month ago I got bored, so I made one. It has all kinds of stuff for Aro, including an extended summary, character descriptions for all the main characters, and some VERY interesting pictures consisting of cast drawings I made of all the MAIN main characters. I have Aro, Alec, Dimitri, Jane, Marcus, Caius, Alexa, Skittles, Mr. Blue, Vampire Ninja Waffle, MJMD, and Vampire Jillybean. I especially like the drawing of Caius. My artistic skills are mad, and not to be reckoned with. If you see the pictures, I hope they make your day :) I have similar things for Maelstrom and Never Say Never, but I didn't include my other stories on there because one is a oneshot and the other is on permanent hiatus, much to my chagrin. Also, there's a News section that's kind of like a blog-type thing where I let everyone know about updates or writer's block or anything like that. Or I might just post random things that have absolutely no meaning but are entertaining. We'll see. But anyway, it's kind of awesome, and I hope some people check it out. I have the link on my profile page, and since I can't directly link I'll just write it out here:**

**creativeinsanityy (dot) weebly (dot) com**

**Well, anyway, I've talked your ear off enough as it is. I should probably go do something useful. Like die.**

**That was a joke, just for the record. Well…Maybe.**

**Love forever,**

**Alexa (less than three)**

**PS – Once you go dead, no one's better in bed!**


	35. Blubbery

**Okay, I know I'm a horrible person and everything for not updating in over a month, but I can explain. Well, I can, it's just that it would take way too long and I don't think it's very relevant anyway. If you **_**really**_** want to know, you could just review. But you should be doing that already. Not that anyone does…**

**Also, in the time since I last updated, Spirit Bound (book five of the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead) came out, so of course I went out to get that on May 18th**** on the dot, and stayed up until quarter to four in the morning reading it so that I could finish it before Miranda…and it was intense. I don't like Dimitri. AT ALL. Actually, I kind of wish I could punch him in the face. But I've thought that since Blood Promise, and that was back when he was actually evil. Now he's just…meh. But I love Adrian. Ohmyword, do I love him. But anyway…I also bought and reread The Host…twice. And I laughed every time Kyle got hit in the face. Which had to be…what, four times? Five? Who knows. It's Kyle. And I don't like Jared. Never have. I know someone who likes Jared better than Ian, but I say they're crazy, because Ian is my life. Probably tied to be my absolute favourite male character in a book. Tied, of course, with Bones, because Bones is life. (The funny thing is, I'm re-reading the Night Huntress series right now. I'm on At Grave's End. That entire book went right over my head the first time. All I got was Max dies, Tate and Juan are vamps, Patra is a major bitch, and Vlad is amazing. But I could have guessed all that if I had skipped it and gone directly to Destined For An Early Grave. That wouldn't have been as cool, though. ANYway…)**

**Okay, well, I'm being an idiot and writing this AN before I actually write the chapter, because I'm bored, so I don't know when this will actually be out. I have a Science test tomorrow (on some kind of environmental nonsense. It's tedious. But I love my science teacher :) he let me sit on the floor for an entire period and he makes Star Wars references that only I understand. And he drinks water from a Star Trek glass. And he uses words like "tool" and "douchebag". And he's just generally awesome.), a Religion project that I'm almost done due Monday, a Geography ISU due Monday, and a Drama ISU due next Friday. AND I have Jill's birthday gathering on Sunday, and….FTSK CONCERT THURSDAY! Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. I think I might die. AHHHHH. Forever The Sickest Kids is MY LIFE. I have their first CD and I know every word to all of their songs, and they're pretty much my favourite band in the whole world. Well, when I'm not listening to emo music, that is, because I listen to The Used and Rise Against and Sick Puppies and Breaking Benjamin and Hawthorne Heights and Three Days Grace and the old songs from The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and now I'm just naming bands and I'll stop now. Gosh, I was tired a minute ago and now I'm all hyper. But ANYWAY, my point is that I don't know how long it'll take to write and get this chapter out.**

**Okay, I've babbled enough now. I think I can shut up. I just have to warn you, anything I might write that's offensive or strange, it's just because I don't think before I talk. I had to carry this giant tiki thing in Drama today, and it had nails for teeth, and I turned it so that the face was away from me, and REALLY loudly I said "I turned the face away because it felt like the nail teeth were eating my vagina." IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF GUYS. They all looked at me weird…yeah…**

**ANYWAY…On with the show, I say!**

* * *

**FOR SOME REASON, STILL THE SMACK A BITCH SERIES**

**Episode Four: Blubbery**

**Jeffrey:** Why good day, my young sirs and madams.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Good day, indeed.

**Jeffrey:** If you are perplexed as to why we are dialoguing in such a manner as this, you are as befuddled as we.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Indeed.

**Jeffrey:** However, since to my keen eye there appears to be no prominent solution, we shall continue to speak in this fashion for the present.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Indeed.

**Jeffrey:** I'm not comprehensive as to whether it is supposed to be comical or annoying, but there is no foreseeable solution.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Indeed.

**Jeffrey:** I daresay, Sir Kittywhale, we have only been reunited in acquaintance for a mere fortnight, and yet you have already displayed traits to try my patience.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Thou art not a golden apple either, good sir. A Daniel, I say!

**Jeffrey:** Normally I would question the logic of this sentence structure, but I am aware that the references to apples and Daniel are from Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice", and this is the attempt of your unsatisfactory intelligence to appear witty and knowledged.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Indeed.

**Jeffrey:** I daresay again, you are trying my patience, fiend. If this behaviour continues, I may demand a pound of flesh from you as well.

**Sir Kittywhale:** And I daresay, in the respectable words of an English gentleman, you are a bawdy whore.

**Jeffrey:** Indeed.

**Sir Kittywhale:** And so, commence the show!

PREVIOUSLY IN CASSIDYLAND:

_**Aro:**__ Can this be more frustrating?_

_**Alexa:**__ Aro! You're never supposed to ask that question!_

_**Aro: **__Why not?_

_**Alexa:**__ Because then the annoying-ass people come to spoil our day!_

_**Mystery Voice:**__ You mean like me?_

_**All:**__ GASP!_

AND PRESENTLY:

**Edward:** Mwahaha, I have come to ruin everything like I usually do!

**Caius:** AH! POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

**Edward:** I resent that.

**Aro:** What is the meaning of this?

**Edward:** You said the line. You're never supposed to say the line.

**Dimitri:** Jesus, Aro, I can barely stand the people we hang around as it is, and now you bring in _him?_

**Alexa:** Eddie, I'm a cat!

**Edward:** Good for you, pumpkin.

**Alexa:** I am no pumpkin.

**Edward:** Oh really? What are you, then?

**Alexa:** I'm a manatee.

**Alec:** Eww, they're all blubbery.

**Aro:** I like manatees.

**Alexa:** You finally like me, then?

**Aro:** No. You're blubbery.

**Dimitri:** I thought she was a cat…

**Skittles:** Can we stick to the task at hand?

**Aro:** Which was…?

**Alec:** Follow the yellow brick road!

-Yellow brick road appears-

(They follow along for a while, when all of a sudden a giant polar bear falls out of the sky and lands on MJMD)

**Alec:** POLAR BEAR!

**Aro:** Are you from Alaska?

**Polar Bear:** No, I'm Canadian.

**All:** Ew.

**Alexa:** I CLAIM YOU, BEAR! I AM YOUR MASTER!

**Polar Bear:** I don't have to listen to you. You're a manatee.

**Dimitri:** I thought she was a werecat!

**Alexa:** I am, silly. My power is that I can turn into a manatee.

**Polar Bear:** I don't like you. You have blubber.

**Aro:** Exactly what I said.

**Polar Bear:** So…want me to lead you to the Queen?

**Skittles:** You know the way?

**MJMD:** Can you get your ass off my face, please?

**Caius:** Hah, that's what she said.

**Alec:** DUDE, nice one.

**Polar Bear:** Here is the way…

-points left-

**Aro:** …that's it?

**Polar Bear:** Yep. Left.

**Skittles:** Are you sure you can't actually lead us?

**Polar Bear:** Nah, I'm just an optical illusion. -fades away-

**Aro:** I'm getting tired of this bullshit. Bullshit's only cool when it's used to power rockets.

**Skittles:** Umm…why?

**Aro:** 'Cause rockets are cool, that's why!

(They wander left for a while, then a random door appears)

**Aro:** Cool, a door!

**Skittles:** Dad, I wouldn't-

(Aro opens a door and a mass of kittens pours out)

**Alexa:** Brethren! -transforms into cat self-

**Aro:** SO…MANY…CATS….

**Dimitri:** This is probably the highlight of my day.

**Aro:** Really? Because your mom's the highlight of my day. ZING!

**Dimitri:** Even covered in a roiling mass of kittens, you still find something witty to say.

**Aro:** It's part of my job description.

**Alec:** Hello kittens!

**Kittens (in unison):** Hello!

**Alec:** AH!

**MJMD:** So…I say we just leave…

**Aro:** -starts eating kittens-

**Alec:** Aro, no! Bad! NO! Stop right now!

**Dimitri:** THAT ONE'S ALEXA!

**Alexa:** I'd appreciate not to be eaten today. Well, not in this way…

**Aro:** God, you're such a pervert all the time.

**Alexa:** And you're a prude. At least perverts get action.

**Aro:** I'd call you easy but it's not a scathing enough word.

**Skittles:** God, I have to do everything around here.

(Skittles pulls Aro out and they slam the door on the kittens)

**Aro:** Okay. Next door. -pulls door open-

**Pterodactyl:** -pops out and eats VampireNinjaWaffle-

**Aro:** NOOO!

**Alexa:** It's okay, he'll be back. All the eaten people come back.

**Aro:** Well, now that you mention it…yes, that's true. -slams door-

**Skittles:** Actually, I'm pretty sure both Marcus and Mr. Blue were eaten by something, and they haven't come back.

**Alexa:** YET. You never come back at inopportune moments. Obviously you know nothing about being eaten.

**Aro:** I'm tired of these doors.

**Dimitri:** You've only opened two.

**Aro:** Fine. -opens door and finally finds the throne room-

**Dimitri:** Great, we're here. Can we get this over with? I'm getting tired of this side plot.

**Cassidy:** Ah! How did you find my lair?

**Aro:** We walked straight, and then we walked left, and then we opened this door. Seriously, chick, you need a better hiding place.

**MJMD:** Okay, bitch. We want our friend back.

**Dimitri:** PLEASE. I'm tired of this place.

**Cassidy:** Umm…no.

**Aro:** No? Just 'no'?

**Cassidy:** Yeah. I mean no.

**Aro:** Yeah, that doesn't work for me.

**Cassidy:** What does work for you?

**Aro:** You. Legs spread.

**MJMD:** Woah. Not to be rude…wait, fuck that. If I were you, I wouldn't touch her. She probably has diseases. Like Arrogant Bitch Disorder.

**Aro:** Oh, so she's related to Dimitri, then?

**Dimitri:** You know, you'll be laughing in your grave about that one.

**Aro:** Here's a news flash, Mr. I'm-too-cool-for-all-the-somewhat-funny-jokes: I'm already dead. So hah.

**Dimitri:** "Hah"?

**Aro:** You know what-

**Alexa:** Just shut up and let me kill her already! -rips off Cassidy's head and tosses it to MJMD- There. Problem solved.

**Skittles:** Well that was anticlimactic.

**Aro:** We wasted a whole four episodes on that?

**Alexa:** Trust me, it was worth it.

**Aro:** HOW?

**Alexa:** I don't know. I'm a cat.

**Aro:** I AM TIRED OF YOUR BLOODY CAT EXCUSES!

**Alexa:** Well excuuuuse me Princess. Sorry I don't live up to your catless standards.

**Aro:** I think it's time we banish the OC's again.

**Alec:** But my Hitler Biscuits-

**Aro:** Hitler is dead, Alec. There are no Hitler Biscuits.

**Alec:** Oh. -bursts into tears-

**Dimitri:** For God's sake, Aro, why did you do that? He'll never stop crying?

**Aro:** Well he'll never stop being ugly, either. Maybe he should just leave.

**Skittles:** Maybe we should all leave.

**Caius:** Yeah. Aro can stay alone with his meanness.

**Dimitri:** Okay, Aro. We're leaving.

(They leave)

**Aro:** Well…what in the name of a sick Eskimo kitten am I supposed to do now?

(Cuts to White Room)

**Jeff:** And that, ladies and gentleman, concludes our episode of this eve.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Indeed.

**Jeff:** Please return for more entertainment next week.

**Sir Kittywhale:** Indeed…eth.

**Jeff:** You are such a guttersnipe.

* * *

**And...scene.**

**So, what do you think? (I ask that every single week, and no one ever tells me…) I know it's not as funny as some of my earlier stuff. I'm trying. I've just been having a hard time finding inspiration for this story. I've been told I'm funny, and I make several people laugh in a day usually (or the same people laugh several times, either or), but I have a hard time setting up a situation where I can make a joke.**

**Anyway…I just ate a creamsicle! The last time I had an orange creamsicle was at Alex's house, and they were freezer burnt and we both got our tongues stuck to them and had to use hot water to get them off, and I peeled a layer of skin off my tongue and was spitting out blood. And I was singing about how much my tongue hurt to the tune of a Paramore song. Yeah, those were the days…**

**ANYWAY…review? If you dare. I hope everyone dares. Daring is good. Don't be afraid of everything, like me. I'm afraid of myself, even. But that's understandable. I'm frightening.**

**So…yeah. Oh! Me and my friend Sam are making a you tube channel, and we've decided we're going to be the female DesandNate. I'll tell you what the channel is once we actually have a video up, but I assure you, it will be awesome. Any time me and Sam are together it's awesome. Wow, that sounded bad. Don't take that the wrong way. The only girl I have those kinds of feelings for are Miranda ;)**

**Well…I should probably stop harassing you now…I'LL HARASS YOUR CAVE OF WONDERS WITH MY MAGICAL LAMP! Wow I'm psychotic. Ignore me. I have mental issues.**

**So, um, yeah. Bye?**

**REVIEW. OR I'LL FIND YOU. AND STEAL YOUR PANTS.**

**Or I'll peel your skin like an orange.**

**Or I'll make you spontaneously combust.**

**Or I'll shove you into a pit of ravenous vipers.**

**Or Canadian geese.**

**Or the Canadian government.**

**Or I'll tie you to a chair and make you watch Heidi Montag's music video on an infinite loop.**

**Yeah, that last one has got to be the worst :)**

**LOVE YOUUS!**

**- Alexa (less than two, because it's better than less than three)**

**PS - Bones is sexy. Just had to say it again.**


	36. Fruitcake?

**Hello good people of earth! Yeah, I'm back. Bummer, huh? If you replied yes to that, I'm deeply insulted. Anyway, I know it's been a while, but I've been really, REALLY busy. I had exams at the end of June (ew), and now school's over, but I've had some very stressing things happening in my life over the past week that made me not quite cheery enough to update Aro the Arotastic. But I'm on the road to recovery, and I'm partially in a good mood today, so I figured I would grace you all with my presence before I leave for a week to go to Thunder Bay for my cousin's wedding. I'm leaving Wednesday, and I'll be back on the 16****th****, but I most likely won't be at a computer updating again until some time after that. But as far as summer vacation goes, this is pretty much it, so I'll probably have lots of time to write, and hopefully I'll be able to update more often. And I know I say that practically every AN, but I mean it this time.**

**Okay, how's this: I'm saying that I'll update more often, but given my habit of being a lazy ass who never does anything that I'm supposed to at the given time that I'm supposed to do it, the odds of me updating as often as everyone would like, or even updating on a regular basis, are about as likely as me suddenly liking Justin Bieber. (No offence to Bieber fans, but I can't stand it when he sings. I have to physically leave the room if I hear him. And when I see him on TV or something, I usually cover my eyes until he goes away. And I'm ashamed that Canada, which is a country full of goodness and talent, would choose **_**him**_** to show to the world and make famous. I'm rooting for Marianas Trench and Lights. Although I also think that money should become obsolete and people should just barter again…so when you put it into perspective, I'm not the best person to be taking opinions from. But Marianas Trench is AMAZING, and Lights is incredibly talented and the only pop music I will actually put on my iPod. Oh, and as far as Justin Bieber, I think that him and Dakota Fanning should find a hole somewhere in the desert and live there and never come back into the world ever ever EVER again. But mostly Dakota Fanning. I HATE her. Don't ask me for a logical reason why, because there is none. I just naturally hate her. The only movie I watch where I don't go "EWWW DAKOTA FANNING, THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES THIS MOVIE ABOUT TEN PERCENT MORE TERRIBLE" is Push, because I love that movie and I kind of like her in it. And although I object to her being Jane, because I think she's horrible in that part, she didn't completely ruin the Twilight movies.**

**Speaking of Twilight…WHO SAW ECLIPSE? I DID! IT WAS REALLY REALLY GOOD! I liked it. It surpassed my expectations. Yes, I admit, I caved and saw it on the release day with my friend Alex, and just like Twilight, I laughed at parts that I probably shouldn't be laughing at. Like….pretty much every time Riley came on screen I started to giggle. And he's not even funny, or funny looking…actually he's pretty attractive…but for some reason, he made me laugh. And of course I laughed at Billy Burke, because he is amazing. I am in love with that man. He makes my life. And of course, at the times when I didn't want to knock some sense into him (you should have seen me reading the book. Pretty much every time he was there, I was like "IDIOT! LOVE ME INSTEAD!" and got all agitated. His stupidity in Eclipse upsets me.), Jacob pretty much made my day. "We both know I'm hotter than you." / "I kissed Bella. ... And she broke her hand. ... Punching me in the face." LMAO, I love him. But we've already established that I'm Team Jacob, and all the Edward-lovers are whispering mean things about me now, but oh well. When he's not being a lovestruck fool, he's amazing. Up until Breaking Dawn. Then it's just ruined. But then again, Breaking Dawn ruined everything. There's a dark spot in my life that was created by reading that book. It shouldn't exist. And everyone who's wondering how they plan to top Eclipse with the Breaking Dawn movie doesn't have to wonder, because I can tell you right now it will be horrible, because Breaking Dawn was the second most horrible book I've ever read. After Hatchet, because that book was AWFUL.**

**THE SECRET.**

**THE SECRET.**

**THE DIVORCE.**

**THE SECRET.**

**THE MAN IN THE WHITE STATION WAGON.**

**Okay, so…now that I've written you a page-long author's note…I think we can get on to the story. So…on with it, then!**

**Disclaimer - I do not own the Twilight series, nor do I want to, because that would mean owning BD, which would make me a lesser person than I am now. I don't even own my own copies of the books. I have a Team Jacob pin…and a bookmark with Taylor Lautner on it from New Moon…and a ticket to Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse…but that pretty much sums it up for me.**

**Besides, who needs to own Twilight when you could own The Host? Which I don't own either. But I'm working on it. I want Ian. He's MINE. And I really want Ian Somerhalder to play him, because I think if they made him look less evil, he would be PERFECT. His name is even Ian!**

**Alrighty then. I will carry on.****Chapter…Umm….: Fruit Cake?**

* * *

_**Since we last left the cast of The Amazing Adventures of Aro the Arotastic, the characters of the show were tired of Aro's PMSing and have left on strike. Even the hosts of the show have left to vacation in Miami. (They were hoping to meet the cast of Jersey Shore, but quickly realized that season 2 was filmed in the winter, and it is currently July.) However, since the star of the show is still here, the show must go on. So, without further ado, here are the adventures of Aro the Alone and Arotastic.**_

**Aro:** So…I'm alone…Why on earth would they leave me alone? I'm not funny when I'm alone!

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Aro:** BRUTUS! Wait…Alec wouldn't leave without Brutus…

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Aro:** Oh. You're an optical illusion. That's great.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Aro:** What do you mean these jeans make my ass look big?

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Aro:** Now that's a lie. No one has a bigger ass than a buffalo.

**Brutus:** Squawk!

**Aro:** Oh…I never thought of Mr. Blue…

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Aro:** You're right. Why _am_ I having a seemingly one-sided conversation with a porcupine?

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Aro:** First of all, no, I'm not a lesbian. And secondly, not all lesbians have one-sided conversations with porcupines. Only the butch ones.

**Brutus:** Squawk.

**Aro:** Fine then. Leave like everyone else has!

(Brutus leaves)

**Aro:** Great. Now what am I supposed to do?

**Voice:** I know what you can do…

**Aro:** God? Is that you?

**Voice:** Close, but no.

**Aro:** Mom?

**Voice:** Nope, now you're colder.

**Aro:** Aunt Jemima?

**Voice:** Almost! It's the fruitcake.

**Aro:** Fruitcake? You mean like the pastry?

**Fruitcake:** No, like your mom.

**Aro:** MOM?

**Fruitcake:** It's called SARCASM. You should try it some time. Maybe then you'll actually be funny.

**Aro:** Oh, as apposed to you, the talking fruitcake that was way overplayed back in the old days. Right.

**Fruitcake:** Well, I'm the fruitcake. What I say is law. And I say you're not funny. So ha.

**Aro:** "Ha"?

**Fruitcake:** SHUT UP YOU NON-FUNNY LESBIAN!

**Aro:** Hey, you're the only "fruity" one around here…

**Fruitcake:** I can understand now why everyone went on strike.

**Aro:** Well I can understand Dutch, but that doesn't mean I just follow all the Dutch people and do whatever they do.

**Fruitcake:** …Okay, I have no idea what that was supposed to mean.

**Aro:** It means I rule the world. "So ha".

**Fruitcake:** You rule the world now, do you?

(Ground shakes, skies get black, the whole shebang)

**Fruitcake:** …shit.

**Aro:** What was that?

**Fruitcake:** Well, since I'm all powerful and that, when I say something, it happens. So now you rule the world.

**Aro:** …No shit?

**Fruitcake:** No shit, dude. Your ass owns earth.

**Aro:** So after all these years, all I actually had to do to rule the world was make a sarcastic joke to you?

**Fruitcake:** Well…umm, yes.

**Aro:** HOLY OBAMA'S LEFT TESTICLE.

**Fruitcake:** Umm…I haven't heard that one…

**Aro:** I hate you. As ruler of the world, I officially banish you to the Mojave desert.

**Fruitcake:** But-

(Fruitcake is poofed away)

**Aro:** Well, I rule the world. What do I do now?

(Meanwhile, somewhere cold…)

**Penguin:** It's colder than Michael Jackson's left armpit up in here.

**Leopard Seal:** It smells pretty much the same too.

**Penguin:** I smell bacon…

**Leopard Seal:** Oh, Leonard's here.

**Leonard the Leopleurodon:** What have I missed?

**Penguin:** WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

**Leopard Seal:** Yeah, you said you were just going out for a snack, and then World War II happened, and we haven't seen you since!

**Leonard:** Sorry, guys. It turns out they don't have bacon in Antarctica…or South America…I had to walk all the way to North America to get some.

**Penguin:** It took you over 60 years to walk to North America?

**Leonard:** I met some friendly Mexicans. We ate some tacos.

**Leopard Seal:** And…?

**Leonard:** I ate a three dollar burrito. I had to poop. REALLY bad.

**Penguin:** Ahhh…

(And at Sesame Street…)

**One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong…**

**Aro:** Oooh! I know what doesn't belong! Timmy. Because he's Canadian. **(A/N: I can make Canadian jokes because I'm a Canadian. Americans making them is just insulting, because a lot of Americans that I know actually have never been to Canada and know nothing about it.)**

**Elmo:** Elmo thinks Aro is a scary woman.

**Aro:** I AM A MAN!

**Elmo:** Uh-oh…Grover, Elmo thinks you might want to get girl some Midol. Dorothy, what do you think?

**Dorothy:** …

**Elmo:** You're right, Dorothy! Let's ask Mr. Noodle! Oh Mr. Noodle…Oh look! It's Mr. Noodle's twin brother Mr. Noodle!

**Mr. Noodle:** -waves-

**Elmo:** Mr. Noodle, what do you think we should do about the yelling girl on our show?

**Mr. Noodle:** Give me her number. -winks at Aro-

**Elmo:** Mr. Noodle! You can talk?

**Mr. Noodle:** Yeah, I can…oh, right, I'm supposed to be silent. Well…

**Aro:** See, I thought it would be interesting to come here, but you all just keep insulting me. I'm cancelling this show.

**Director:** You can't do that!

**Aro:** Sure I can. I rule the world, bitch!

**Director:** Oh, damn. That's right. You do.

**Aro:** Well then, kids, this is the last broadcast of Sesame Street. It started sucking when Cookie Monster became Veggie Monster, anyway.

**Today's show is brought to you by the sound "DUUHHHH"**

_**One week later, after Dora the Explorer became Aro the Explorer and then back to Dora the Explorer, the Berlin Wall was rebuilt, and cat farming was made legal, the rest of the show's cast decided to end their strike out of boredom and curiosity about what exactly Aro was doing.**_

**Aro:** …and that's what happened while you were gone.

**Dimitri:** …The first thing you did after you became ruler of the world was go on Sesame Street?

**Aro:** It's a childhood classic.

**Alec:** -sobs-

**Aro:** Alec, what's wrong?

**Alec:** MR. NOODLE CAN TALK! MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE!

**Aro:** Your life was already a lie, because you're just an OPTICAL ILLUSION…

**Alec:** THAT'S NOT TRUE!

**Aro:** I have spoken, and I rule the world, so it's true.

**Alec:** But I want to exist…

**Aro:** No.

**Dimitri:** So…what are you going to do now?

**Aro:** Well…Uh…I don't know.

(Cuts to White Room)

**Jeff:** And that's the end of that.

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Thank God.

**Jeff:** So…are we done?

**Mr. Kittywhale:** I guess. Tune in next time for more inane things.

**Jeff:** Like flying birds!

**Mr. Kittywhale:** Birds can already…you know what, sure. Flying birds.

* * *

**So…what do you think?**

**Yeah, I know it's short, but I was trying to get it done before I leave for Thunder Bay. Which is at 6 am tomorrow, and it's 8:46 PM as I'm writing this, so…yeah.**

**Okay, well…if anyone wants to suggest something for Aro to do as ruler of the world, and I actually get suggestions, I might make a super chapter including my take on everything.**

**Yes, that is my cheap way of getting other people to come up with ideas for me :P but if we want to get to fifty chapters, then this is necessary. And I do plan on making it to fifty.**

**So…review? If you dare.**

**:O GUESS WHAT!**

**I dunno. I just wanted you to exert yourself thinking.**

**kaybye :D**

**- Alexa (less than three)**


End file.
